I mentioned before that I have been reading about synchronicities and so I've been looking for those little coincidences in my own life to learn from.
Lately my husband and I have been thinking a lot about plans for the next few years. I've been trying to also follow the Lord's plan. I know there are people out there who rely fully on the Lord's plan when it comes to the timing of their children. Some people never use birth control because they just want to trust the Lord. But if I never used birth control I would constantly be pregnant. And now that I've had a miscarriage it makes me think even harder on the subject. I won't go into details but we were looking at our options and I was struggling with my decisions.
A part of me feels like I might still be mourning my last pregnancy. Perhaps I don't want to do anything big to prevent pregnancy because a piece of me still wants that baby. It's insane because before my miscarriage, we were not trying for children and I did not think it was good timing. This hasn't changed. I know we have more to our family to come, but the timing is logically not right at the moment. But I still felt uneasy as my doctor appointment approached.
There is a careful balance to keep. One must rely on the Lord's guidance, but at the same time, one must make ones own decisions. We have our agency for a reason. So I once was told that I can just make my decisions based on my own knowledge to the best of my ability and then confirm the decision with the Lord. If I feel wrong, after all that, there must be something wrong with the decision. If it is ok, it will remain ok in my mind. But I kept stumbling with this decision. But was it because of a "stupor of thought" as the scriptures say? Or was it my own anxiety, or my own hormonal irrational feelings? I discussed this with my husband the night before my appointment. We talked about how to know if the feelings I have are from me or from the Lord. He said he wasn't feeling anything wrong with the plan, and we went to sleep.
I got up in the morning and when I read my inspirational quote of the day (which includes all subjects- not just spiritual subjects) and it just happened to be exactly what I needed to hear. "God does not work for you, he works with you." Pandurang S. Athavale, who is an Indian philosopher, and Hinduism reformist.
It really made me think about how much I rely on the Lord's assistance in my decisions. I don't often take that leap of faith so perhaps this was to be one. I went to doctor's appointment, then, only to find that the plan we had discussed was going to be too expensive. So there goes that.
Now I think back about this and I realize that sometimes I could be feeling uneasy about something just because I don't have all the information. Yes, we need to make our own decisions. God doesn't work for me. But He was working with me. He won't ever leave me alone. Somehow I knew it wasn't going to work. Something just wasn't right about it. I should trust in my feelings. God works with me every day. I am never left completely alone.
After writing this post, I was just uploading a family video to another blog and looking on YouTube and this video happened to pop up. I thought I would embrace the coincidence and include it here. :) I can't get the embed code to work so, CLICK HERE.