Every Good Thing

 
I was contemplating how to receive revelation recently and thought about how if I am always gratefully acknowledging the Lord's hand in my life that is one way to keep a prayer in my heart and always have His spirit with me.

Then I expanded upon that, every good thing that I do or say, every good thing that comes from me, really comes from Him.  I am doing His work when I do good in the world.

This thought finally clarified something I was taught as a teenage and never could quite grasp.

We all knew that Christ created the world. It was Jesus Christ who, together with Michael, created everything.  But then a Young Women leader over my stake once told us that we needed to clarify that Heavenly Father indeed created the world through Jesus Christ.  I didn't know what she meant by that.

Now I think it makes sense.

Jesus Christ was doing his Father's will. Heavenly Father created the world through Christ's hands in the same way He shows his mighty works and wonders through His children's hands on earth today. As we do His work, we are His hands.

Suddenly I have Jewel playing in my head..."We are...God's hands...We are...God's hands..."  :)

Anyway!

I receive His guidance when I am willing to submit to His will for me, instead of asking only for what I want.  I must submit and allow Him to guide me in His plan for me.  That is all.

The Broken Plate

I posted about my talk on the atonement in sacrament meeting a while back.

In it, I introduced my metaphor about the broken plate to illustrate repentance.  Just the other night, however, I was awake contemplating how my analogy was incomplete, and I felt strongly that I should further include the thoughts I am having in addition to it now.

To review this analogy, I related sin to breaking a plate.  I'll add more detail to this post to expand it a little more.

I break a plate.  Oops.  The first step to using the atonement is to recognize the sin.  "I did that."  Those three words can sometimes be the hardest words to think, let alone utter aloud.  Sometimes we find ourselves justifying it.  "Well, the soap and water made the plate slippery."  "It isn't my fault."  "It isn't that big of a deal, we have lots more plates."  "I can just buy another plate, so this one doesn't matter."  "Well, if he hadn't pushed my elbow."  Whatever the excuse, it's a lie.  The plate is broken.  The fact remains.  "I broke the plate."  This can be hard to do sometimes because we don't want to acknowledge our guilt because it's painful.  Guilt hurts because often we are trying so hard to do our best in life, and although we know we cannot be perfect, we still don't like to recognize the black spots in our record.  Sometimes it seems easier to just ignore or justify it.  But it's not easier.  It leaves the weight on our shoulders, a weight that can be too much to bear.

So first we must recognize and take responsibility for the sin.  "I broke the plate."  Then we must feel Godly sorrow for the sin.  Usually we feel bad about it, sure enough.  But there is a difference between Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow.  Godly sorrow= "I feel guilty that I broke the plate.  It was a mistake that is mine and I wish I hadn't done it."  Worldly sorrow=  "I am ashamed of myself because I broke the plate, and this means I am no longer worthy to handle any future plates.  I am not worth it because I did this."  Tell the difference?  Godly sorrow is feeling guilty for a sin.  Worldly sorrow if feeling shame for self.  Another version of Worldly sorrow= "I feel ashamed of myself because I broke the plate.  Woe is me.  Others need to feel sorry for me too."  Ok, enough about that.

Let's choose this one.  "I feel guilty because I broke the plate and I wish I hadn't."  Next step?  Forsaking the sin.  "I won't break any more plates.  I promise to be more careful.  I promise to be better."  Sometimes in spite of our efforts to forsake the sin, we still will break another plate, but we must remember Godly sorrow and just work through it again.  Because if we break one plate or a thousand, the atonement still works the same.  But we must continue repenting and trying our best to forsake.

After this, we are to confess.  Sometimes the plate is rather special, and we have to go to the Bishop as well as the Lord to confess the sin and get the help needed for repentance.  Sometimes the plate belonged to someone else and so we have to go to them and confess that we have broken their plate.  Sometimes the plate is our own and we must confess and apologize to ourselves.  "I'm sorry.  I broke your plate.  Please forgive me."  That's the next step.

Forgiveness.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive others.  Put it behind you.  Drop the weight.  Hand it to the Savior.  Then continue to keep the commandments.  Don't break any more plates.

Ok, so this is my analogy.  Seems complete?

Well, there was one more thing I said about when you break the plate.  If you break a plate and then say, "I'm sorry."  Is the plate magically not broken?  No.  It's something I say to my kids, actually.  I tell them, "The plate is still broken." to remind them there is more work to do then simply saying "sorry" and going on as if it didn't happen.  Of course, an apology needs to be heartfelt and real.  After breaking a plate, it does no good to softly whisper "I'm sorry." under our breath and then sweep all the pieces under a rug or into a trash can.  We have to try to make it better.

So I've said "The plate is still broken." as a reminder to do what I can to mend what was broken.  Glue it back together, piece by piece.  It's true, I must do my best to fix things after I've made a mistake.  I need to make reconciliation, make peace, pay someone back, do what I can to fix or pay for what I have done.

But then this is incomplete.  I am left with this question.
What if the plate is just too broken?
What if it can't be fixed?
What if it's been shattered into so many tiny pieces there is no way to glue them together again?
What if it's impossible?


Now THIS is what the atonement is about.

When we cannot do it ourselves, we must pick up the pieces and give them to the Savior.  Because the Savior can make everything right again.  He already has.  He has already paid for, picked up, and mended all of our mistakes.  All we have to do is surrender the pieces and let Him do it for us.

All too often we get caught up in trying...and TRYING to mend it all on our own.  But we simply cannot do it on our own.  But the Savior can!  We just have to give it all to Him and TRUST Him with those fragile pieces, without holding anything back.

I really wish I had included that part in my talk in sacrament meeting, because my analogy simply wasn't complete without it.

Let's break down repentance and the use of the atonement into even smaller baby steps (which helped me a ton!):

First, honestly admit to everything to myself.
Then believe God can help! (Without believing it, we cannot go further.)
Next, trust in that hope by deciding to let Him.
Accept the whole entire truth, about my sins, weaknesses, and faults
Confess these to someone, perhaps proper priesthood authority as necessary, or a friend
Next I must change my heart, in order to truly forsake.
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to help to change my heart, and give it over to Him
Seek forgiveness from myself, and then seek forgiveness from others I have harmed
Then I must hold myself accountable daily, in everything I do and say
With the change of heart, my desires then change, and I seek the Lord's will for my every single day through personal revelation.
And lastly, I share my testimony and lovingly serve other people, because that's what this life is all about.

I got these baby steps through this amazing LDS church program!

I love this program with all of my heart and I recommend anyone from anywhere to work these baby steps to the atonement because they work.  They have strengthened my relationship with the Savior beyond what I ever thought possible.  These steps are not just for a certain kind of sin, they can be used for any kind of sin.  I've seen nothing like it.  So go to that link and read it, and journal about it, and apply it.  You're welcome. :)

Who's Birthday Is It Anyway?

 

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be pretty rocky for some people.  It seems like typically the youngest of a family struggles the most with this.  Maybe it's because we are spoiled, or maybe it's because we never want to stop playing or lose the magic of childhood, but something about being the youngest holds us back from embracing the fact that, yes, I'm over twenty years old now.  In fact, I'm reaching thirty soon.  But I guess the number doesn't matter that much because I don't feel that much different (unless I'm jumping on the trampoline or something) and I still want to play and feel the magic of love inside my heart.  Too often adults get caught up in being serious and responsible and forget about having fun and being curious and looking for the wonder in life.

So keeping this in mind, Christmas this year is once again giving me a struggle because I have been wrestling with the magic.  I miss the days when Christmas was all about the childlike excited anticipation of "what's going to happen?" and the belief in things happening that are not ordinary, but special and magical.  Now I get caught up in the idea that I have to make these things happen and I miss out on the magic because I think...I'm not magical.  How am I supposed to create the magic for my family?  And I lose out on that special Christmas feeling that I used to feel all December long as I gazed at the Christmas lights reflecting off the shining ornaments of the Christmas trees, or when I caught snowflakes on my tongue.

But I am starting to remember what the magic really is all about.

I attended a small Christmas party last night where we drank hot cocoa and gathered around their make-shift fire-lit living room with couches and comfy beanbag chairs by the Christmas tree, and listened to stories.  One of the stories was about a little boy living in a backwards town.  I found the story here!  It tells about how on his birthday everyone did what was unexpected and not what was expected.  This little boy spent his entire birthday watching people give each other gifts instead of giving him gifts.  His mother gave his birthday cake to the mailman, and his grandparents came to visit a neighbors house instead of his.  Finally this little boy gets a megaphone and rides around the neighborhood shouting "Who's birthday is it anyway?"

We need to remember who's birthday it is, anyway.

I was truly touched by this story.  When she began reading it, I had no idea how it was going to relate to Christmas, but in the last line it hit me like a dagger to the heart.

I've had all kinds of goals and plans this Christmas.  I wanted to teach my kids to be more selfless by trying to make home-made gifts this year for each other.  It's been a huge challenge, because since my kids are 6 and under really it's me coming up with these home-made gifts for them to help me make for everybody.  It's become overwhelming but I want to see it through.  I want Christmas to be more then just receiving.

Then today I had a telephone conversation with my mother-in-law that prompted me to post this blog post.  She talked about her desire to convey the message about the true meaning of giving gifts at Christmas.  The gift doesn't have to be expensive.  It doesn't have to be stunningly beautiful in a material way.  Giving at Christmas is more then what's wrapped inside the wrapping paper.  It's what you feel inside, and it's what you sacrifice for each other.  My mother-in-law's definition of Christmas is that Christmas is sacrifice.  Because we make sacrifices for each other to remember the greatest sacrifice given to us, that of the Christ.  I'm going to add to this and say Christmas is finding the joy in making sacrifices for others, no matter how small they are.

At the Christmas party last night, we were given Christmas Jars, following after the book by Jason Wright, where we can make a tradition to save a little in the jar all year round in order to save money for gifts for each other in our own family, or to give to another family for Christmas.  It's a beautiful tradition, and shed some light on the little sacrifices we can make all year to remember the sacrifice given to us by our Savior and our Heavenly Father.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Drawing Parallels

I was reading in 1 Nephi again, and in chapter 18 is when Nephi is building the ship.  It's a story I've heard countless times but this time I somehow read it differently.  It's such a beautiful thing when something you've seen in the scriptures again and again suddenly becomes new to you in a personal way.  I think it's the nature of truth and perception.

The timing of these new revelations are always just right too.  God knows me.

I read Chapter 18 as follows (subbing in the words that were given to me by the spirit.  Go here for the actual scripture.  "And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the [matters of my home].  Now I [Danielle] did not work [my home] after which was learned by men, neither did I build [my home] after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men.  And I [Danielle], did go into the mount [or my private corners] oft, and I did pray unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things.  And it came to pass that after I had finished..., according to the word of the Lord, my brethren beheld that it was good, and that the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine; wherefore, they did humble themselves again before the Lord."

So the words "my home" are vaguely part of the concept I was given while I was reading.  It's strange how language works below the level of the spirit.  The words "my home" don't adequately describe the feeling I was having to represent what it is I am building.  So I thought I would elaborate for the sake of my memory and whoever reads this might get something from it.

Building a home: also, raising my children, living my life, being my best, serving others, changing the future, influencing the world

Yeah...it's a little bigger then just building my home.

The most important part that hit me, however was not this.  It was the council I was getting from this scripture.

"The Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should [continue]."
and
"I did go unto the mount oft, and I did pray unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things."

Now this could mean go into the temple often, as well as praying often every day.  I believe it meant both.  I know that when I pray daily...and multiple times a day, I am helped in everything I do during that day.  I am given the tools I need.  I'm given more patience with my children.  I'm given more joy in my duties.

So the milk spilled all over the carpet this morning isn't that big a deal.  If I pray.

And the temple is something I really want to develop a better habit in.  It's our 8th anniversary today.  Jimmy and I went to the temple on Saturday to celebrate.  It was incredibly busy and we didn't get into the session.  We decided to do sealings instead because we wanted to go to dinner afterward.  I was a bit let down because they have supposedly done a new presentation to show and I was excited to see it.  But we plan to try going again this weekend and I'm excited to try to go more often.  Because I do believe it would help me to be more positive as I've been trying to do.

The Nature of Depression

Ok, so that last post was a downer.  I warned you.  Sorry.

Want something that will make you smile?  My cat is chasing the letters on my computer screen while I type.  Pretty darn cute, right there. :)  He chases my mouse too.  I made a YouTube video about it. :)

Here are some things that make me smile.

Counting my blessings and the Lord's tender mercies in my life.
Like when my kitten came home after a day and a half being completely gone and I thought I'd never see him again.
Or like a friend who brings me an entire meal plus some when all I asked for was a box of macaroni meat mix stuff that she was getting  rid of.
Or like my family going out for a laugh a couple days after the reunion and how I was able to take off that little bit of work in order to do it.
So when our bank account is low, or when our microwave breaks, our tire goes flat, or our clothes washer starts whining, all I need to do is count my blessings.

Another thing that makes me smile?  Getting a better routine to go by and so I get things done.
"Get things done" means I don't neglect myself, the kids, or my house.  Something in each place gets addressed.
So I started doing just that.  I scheduled a type of exercise for each day of the week: Dancing, biking, yoga, or jogging.  So far so good.  I danced with the kids to Hal Palmer yesterday and today I did yoga.  Sweet.
Other must haves on my schedule: Non electronic game time with the kids (cards, boardgames, strategy and teamwork games, etc.), a focus room for chores (today it was the porch, yesterday was my bedroom, but I ended up focusing more on the basement/toyroom), laundry every other day helps.  Just that kind of organization.
Why does this make me happy?
Because if I don't schedule it, I don't do anything.  I have passed days laying around in my robe doing the bare minimum, which means making sure my kids don't destroy the house or kill each other.
Because I have depression.

Having depression is something I haven't acknowledged as "having depression" for...well, never.  I always want to say I'm in charge of how I feel.  I want to say I choose my feelings.  Because that's what I want to do.  I want to be in charge of my own feelings and be responsible for them.  I don't like blaming my feelings on anything else outside of myself.  But it's just not true.  In spite of everything I try, sometimes I still just feel like crying and have to fake a smile.  That's just how it is.  And I can't often explain it or find any reason for it.  It just is.

I didn't realize this until I was discussing introvert/extrovert tendencies with my family.  They talked about how extroverts feed off the energy of other people and so they get lonely easy and have to go be with people.  Introverts feed off their alone time.  It doesn't mean they don't want to be around people, but they can get overwhelmed because they have to be alone for a while to fill up their buckets, so-to-speak.  During the discussion, I found myself asking the question: But what if you feel alone when you are with a group of people?

No one really answered at first and then my brother told me that was the nature of his depression and why he's sort of become a hermit because he can't handle that kind of loneliness.  At least when he's alone he can explain why he's lonely.  I found that very sad.  But I could understand him completely.

And that was my first step in acknowledging my depression.  I like to take St Johns Wart for it.  I took it when I had the baby blues after my last pregnancy, and when I had my miscarriage it helped too.  So I've started that up again and I will look into using essential oils for it as well.  I'm sort of inching away from medicine (I know there is a place for it, so don't judge me.).

But as I've given myself a schedule and started to try to practice positive thinking, counting my blessings, and finding things to be grateful for every day, I feel like the fog is lifting again.  In a way, I am in control.  I just have to catch myself when I feel like something is bogging me down, before I'm left feeling like the tears are about to spill, or I escape to some form of media distraction to keep my mind off life altogether.

I hate that in the past this is what I've done.  Movies, tv, and for a while internet was my go-to escape route.  But because I did that I missed out on my life.  I missed out on the more important things, like my kids and my days.  Because they are mine.  No one else's.  When I lose myself in media, I'm trying to live in someone elses life and it's a tragic way to live.  It's not living at all.

So this is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to do my best to live, acknowledge the issues at hand but pull myself out of the negative thinking fast.  Today I started to tell myself "It's going to be ok.  Everything is going to be fine.  It will be fine."  I had to say it a few times out loud before I believed it and my breathing got easier.  And then it felt like the sun came out on my troubles.  I still don't know if my troubles are fixed or solved and I know my troubles are far from over, but it feels much better realizing the world will not end because of them.

Feeling My Imperfections

I read D&C 50:40-42 lately and rewrote it to personalize it to myself.

"I am a little child and I can't bear all things now; I must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth...Fear not, little child, for I am His and He has overcome the world...and none of us, that the Father hath given to Christ, shall be lost."

I can find strength in this scripture because when I am discouraged I must remember NOT to try to bear everything all at once.  I must give myself the time and patience I deserve to grow.


I keep having to learn the same lessons over and over again and I get tired.
I'm tired!

I want to be able to live joyfully from day to day, doing my mediocre tasks happily and spending worthwhile time with my children.  Far too often my kids seem to be wasting away their time while I am elsewhere wasting away mine.  I want to be the kind of mom that cherishes every moment and takes advantage of it because I know it passes far too quickly.  But I'm tired.  Moments pass and I don't cherish them.  I don't hold my kids close enough.  I can't hold them close enough to stop time.  I can't, and they wouldn't appreciate it if I tried.

I want to be a different kind of mom.  But I'm only me.  And so I must look to God to build up the best of "me" there is and add to it.  Otherwise I truly feel I will fail.  So, Lord, help me.

New Thoughts from the Old Bible

I found this scripture recently and decided to dress it up and now it's in a frame above my computer desk.  It's a friendly reminder to me of what I'm striving for in my home and in my self.

Stress can get the better of me sometimes.  Times are really tough and whenever I sit and look at our finances it is so easy to get caught up in the what-if's and the oh-no's and the I-can't-do-anything's...but then I remember the last part of this.  Rejoice in hope!  Even a little ray of hope is worth rejoicing over.  And I also remember this talk from the last conference by Bruce D. Porter.  It was a great reminder to fear not!

This past weekend we had a local street fair where local businesses set up booths for people to walk along and support one another.  I went partly because my son's dance class had a booth and were planning a dance party/performance that afternoon.  Along the street there was a woman advertising for positive thinking classes and workshops.  Her little reminder about positive thinking bringing positive results and good things coming to those who are optimistic and waiting for good things, well, it was rather timely for me.

Coming back to this little scripture I decorated, well, I didn't even realize my one little word was a part of this either.  Rule with diligence.  Makes me want to smile actually.  How many times have I wanted to give up ruling my household with my three little gremlins running around destroying everything.  Deep breathes.  Be diligent.

Every part of this strikes me as a new way of thinking.  Which is odd, because really...how old is the bible?  But giving simply is such a neat and wonderful idea in our modern world where everything is subject to embellishment and undervalued without the bells and whistles on display.  But really, it's always the most simple gifts that mean the most.

And mercy.  I'd never really thought about how showing mercy could be a cheerful thing.  Sometimes being merciful means being forgiving even when the offender isn't even that sorry.  It can be really hard to be cheerful when showing mercy, I think.  But I think there is something quite godlike and angelic about being merciful with a smile on my face.  It's really kicking out that natural man in a way I had never contemplated before.

To be fervently serving...hm.  Well, fervently.  It makes me think of a bright or hot flame.  The dictionary says fervently means having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm; ardent, passionate.  Wow.  Serving fervently seems pretty neat.  And I didn't even realize how much the yellow color I used for that adds to the meaning.  I love how sometimes it seems like I am guided without even knowing it.  I love it when I am shown in God's synchronicities that He has a plan for me.

Dissimulation means hypocrisy.  So to love without any pretense, feigning nothing.  Just honestly loving.  On the surface, this may seem like an easy thing in the home.  But under the surface I think sometimes everyone struggles with that.  Being genuinely kind and loving to someone.  Showing love without pretending or trying too hard.  Being unconditional and letting go of expectations.

So much from just one little scripture.  Those words are truly from God as a gift to us to help us along the way.  What a powerful thing language is.  Definitions of word expounding on our understanding and knowledge of the truth.  Just utterances that could at one point be meaningless but when paired with ideas and given meaning and then put together in sentences...awe.  Ok I'm letting that grammary-English-passion-of-the-dorks person out again.  (Glimpse into the real me...gheesh.)  I'll leave you to your own thoughts. :)

Just Venting This Time...Well, as Much as I Can

It's been quite the journey for me since I started this blog. I look back and can remind myself of things I've learned.  Because then I have to again...relearn, and relearn again.  I guess that's where the "Repeat" comes in on the title of this blog.  I'm not perfect. Far from it.

It's the reason I need all of this stuff.  Because I am not perfect, I have to rely on the Lord so much.  I have to really put in the effort every single day, to put Him first and to rely on his guidance.  If I don't my day goes to mush.

I'm the type of person who talks about everything I'm going through.  I talk it out and it sorts out my thoughts and feelings.  But lately it feels like I can't do that as much.  Lately, I have been realizing some things I can't just tell people.  Some people shouldn't be told things.  I'm not usually one to hold it in.  I don't like keeping my own secrets.  Other people's business is their own and it's not mine to tell, but my own secrets are another matter to me.  I'd rather just lay it all out there and be completely honest and open with everyone I meet and if they don't like it, it hurts, but I'd rather they knew me.  I'd rather know what they really think of me.

But lately I can't do that.  It's not mine to tell, as much, I guess.  That's the problem.  But I'm so connected with it I want to talk about things.  I want to blurt my pains and feelings out to the world and sort things out.  I need a friend to talk to.  I want to just cry, but I don't want to cry alone.

The only one I can really put my trust in is the Lord.  My savior is the only one.  The scriptures say I shouldn't rely on the arm of the flesh, and this includes friends, my spouse, my family even;...the world has it wrong.

It seems like every time everything is going wonderfully something has to happen to make it crash down.  Balance in trials and blessings I guess.

The point is, I have to keep going.  I have to stay strong.  I have to take care of my own spiritual place.  I have to keep praying and studying the scriptures to get through this.

Putting the Lord First

As I said in the last post, things have been rougher over the last month and I couldn't exactly put my finger one what changed since Christmas.  I know, we have been sick and then better and sick again, but it's been more then that to me.  I've just not been as happy or as focused on good things.

Then this weekend I stayed home from church feeling sick and thought to myself that I would still try to think about spiritual things anyway while my family attended church.  But I didn't do much but watch a TV show that was completely unrelated to spiritual things, and quite worldly actually.  At the time I rationalized, but later in the evening I was feeling guilty and sad because I knew I had given up on something better during that day.

The next day, I was still brooding over the way I felt.  I hadn't really be "in touch" like I was before Christmas and I wasn't sure what it was, but I kept wondering to myself if I needed to eliminate watching TV shows like the one I mentioned above altogether.  I kept questioning whether it was really something I should allow, or if it was bad "enough" which I hate thinking about.

I hate looking at everything in the media and trying to figure out what is really too bad or what isn't that bad or what is good enough or really good.  When something is really good, it's obvious and same with when it's really bad.  But the majority of the fun things to indulge in around me are things that are good and enjoyable, but still worldly.  I want to be uplifted, and sometimes I think I am.  But then why was I feeling like this?

I started talking to my husband about the way I felt while we made dinner together that evening.  Then finally it hit me.  It wasn't about whether or not the show was "good enough" or "wasn't that bad", it is about my priorities.  It's about if I am giving up something way better for something that is only "not that bad".  (Like that conference talk not too long ago...Good, Better, Best?)  I realized that what was bothering me was that I hadn't put the Lord first on the Lord's day.  I had shut Him out, and done everyday things.  Yes, I was sick, but it was still the Sabbath.  And if I don't treat the Sabbath as the Sabbath, when else am I going to give Him that quality time?

I took myself into my bedroom to pray.  Of course, the moment I knelt down there was that little passing thought saying "You don't have to pray, He knows already.  Don't waste your time."  But I prayed anyway, and I said I was sorry.  The results from this prayer brought me back to where I want to be.  The spirit returned into my heart and I felt the love in the Lord's forgiveness.  I also felt His approval for these types of activities as long as they aren't taking the place of greater things: like taking care of my family and enriching my spirituality.  Those things should come first.

At that point, I also realized that I had been slacking off on things that I had previously been feeling so passionate about.  I must return to the habit of praying first thing in the morning.  If I put the Lord first in my day, it's easier for me to remember to put Him first throughout the day.  I find myself putting down the Facebook on my phone to read a book to my kids, or playing a conference talk on my computer before turning on Pandora.

It's in those little things that I feel I either feel enriched and happy and spiritual and right or I start to feel blase and lose focus.  It's a very delicate balance in this busy world we live in.  But I am recommitting myself now to put the Lord first every day.

A New Year Begins

Over the last year, I have learned so much!  I'm so grateful for the people and programs that have come into my life over the past year to make me realize how much I had it wrong and how much I could change things to gain more happiness.

Happiness comes from within.  That was the biggest thing I learned this year.  I always knew it.  People had told me this for years.  It was like a cliche I couldn't get away from.  But I never knew how to do it.  I never knew how to create that happiness from within.  Now I do.  That's quite an accomplishment, I'd say!  Happiness comes from within when you truly learn to accept and love yourself.  Look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful" and believe it!  Then, it's going out and letting others enjoy who you are because you're a loveable person.  Giving that love to other people can really make you love yourself even more!  But instead of giving and trying to feel the love from without, it's loving first and then giving and it all expands from there!

I also learned more about hope this year.  I learned that hoping for something is the thread that keeps life moving forward.  All you need is that hope and the day can end and another begins.  I have learned that my Savior loves me.  He has given me everything and can give me more if I just ask.  He will help me with everything and He has the ability to make me strong.  I just have to turn to Him for the strength.  Sometimes it's the turning that's the hardest part.  Just look up!  You'd think it would be an easy thing.

I also learned this year to love my husband (anyway).  :)  I have really grown in this aspect.  I met my husband and I loved him because I love people.  I just do.  I loved him because I love everyone. (No wonder I was so bad at dating! I loved people and couldn't get the difference with anyone special so I'd say "I love you" and get these guys all excited in spite of myself.)  Then I loved him because I felt it was right to marry him.  Then I loved him because he was my husband and it was what I was supposed to do.  Then I denied within myself that it was real love.  Then I kicked myself for giving up on romance.  Then I "loved" him because I had to.  Then I got mad.  I got mad at myself.  I got mad at him.  I think I even got mad at God.  But this year has changed a lot.  This year, I looked at him and remembered the way I felt when we were dating.  I did love him that way!  I had loved him once, and he was still that same person.  He was still the awkward "NCMO" (non-commital make-out) King from college who hunched over his guitar and swung his keys around from his lanyard.  He was just more mature now.  He'd replaced the girls with politics and he replaced the music with sports.  But it was still him.  And I realized I wasn't giving him any credit.  I'd say this is quite the accomplishment for my year too.  I learned that love is not a noun, it's a verb.  I learned that if I don't LOVE my husband (as in, an action verb), then I won't ever love him.  It was a big change in the way I live, and it has changed my level of happiness as well.  Now I feel like I love my husband, not for any of the reasons I've stated before, but I love him because I feel good loving him.  I love him because it's a fun thing to do.  I love him because he deserves it.  I love him because I'm grateful for everything he does for me.  I love him because he's so handsome!  I love him because he's my children's father!  I love him because I'm going to be with him forever!  And forever doesn't sound so bad, actually.  (Especially because after this life, many of our little annoying habits and weaknesses will be much better!)

This year, I have learned to let go of things I cannot control.  I'm learning more about how to deal with the things I can control and trust God.  I have learned that trusting God is the real key to the atonement.  It has helped me to forgive myself.  It has helped me forgive others.  And I have finally been able to put the past firmly in the past!  I no longer stay up nights thinking about that moment in my sophomore high school year, or that day when I was single in college, or that thing I should have said back in my newly-wed days.  It's gone!  And that's such a relief!

Last New Years, I chose one word as my New Years Resolution.  Do you remember what it was?  If you do, I commend you for following my blogs for so long. :)  I'm loved!  :)  Anyway, go back and read that post if you want.  It's short.  Shorter than this one, for sure.  (And I said I wasn't going to have any long posts on this blog....sighs.)  My word for last year was "Whisper" and I think I've gotten SO MUCH better about keeping my voice down with my kids.  I'm far from perfect about it, of course.  But I'm much better.  I don't think I sat and acted like a three-year-old this year.  Maybe once. :)

But I've also gotten better at listening to that Whisper of the spirit.  It has blessed me so much!  Yet another huge lesson I have learned this year!  How to recognize the voice of the spirit and differentiate it from other voices.  I never realized those other voices were even out there! (Thus, the confusion on my listening to the spirit in the past!)  But they are!  The biggest key to listening to the spirit that I have found is this: It's light.  God is light.  Christ is light.  The spirit wouldn't feel heavy, like a brick on my chest trying to get me to do something.  Oh no.  It feels light and as though a burden is lifted from me.  So I started practicing following that light feeling and every time I felt the heaviness creeping up on me, (for example, when I would feel the impulse to be online to waste time) I would turn from it and do something better.  It has made an amazing difference!  Not only do I feel better because I'm making better choices in my daily life, but I'm finding it easier to follow that spirit because I'm actually listening!  Da-da-da DUM!!!  :)  It's been a wonderful thing.

So a New Year has begun.  2013 is upon us and I'm once again contemplating what to choose as my one little word for this year.

I've chosen "Serve" as my New Years Resolution One Little Word.  At the end of 2012, I had a new neighbor move in nearby and it gave me all kinds of opportunities to service.  I let her borrow my vacuum, I helped her unpack into her kitchen, I helped her decorate her kitchen, I stayed to lock up for her during an emergency, I babysat her little boy, I did her dishes, I took her breakfast, I invited her over for dinner, I helped her unpack her little boy's bedroom, I put him to bed for her when her other child was sick and she was busy with her, I've sat with her, I've chatted with her, I've accepted her completely, I've found we have so much in common, and I'm her friend.  From the very beginning, I was drawn to her spiritually.  I was becoming addicted to the beautiful feeling that overwhelmed me as I served her.  I kept finding more opportunities to do so.  And the fierce loyalty between us now is a wonderful reward.  It also brought that special Christmas spirit into my heart in a way I have never felt before.

So over the next year, I play to focus on this one little word.  I'm going to look for more opportunities for me to serve others.  Whether it is in my own home or elsewhere.  I want to keep this special spirit with me.   I want to remember it all throughout the year.

Another new tradition I decided to start is this thing I saw on Facebook.  So I have a jar on my piano now that is marked "Happy Happenings of 2013" and I plan to fill it with little papers containing happy things that happen throughout the year and so we can read and reminisce during next New Years.  I'm pretty excited about it.  So far I've cheated a little and placed the two movie tickets from New Years Eve inside (technically not 2013 but oh well).  We saw Les Miserable together and it was incredible!  Happy New Year, everyone!

(Yes, I'm finally finishing up this insanely long post!)

I Can Be a Tool in God's Hands

As I was preparing for Sunday, I was getting ready to teach my 11-year-old class and the lesson was on the destruction of the Jaredites in end of the book of Ether.  It's a crazy horrific scene of a bloody war with millions of people getting killed, bodies everywhere, and it all comes down to two guys (Coriantumr and Shiz) fighting each other and fainting because of blood-loss until finally one of them kills the other one.  Ether watches it all from a cave, and isn't sure if the last guy even survived, really.  Pretty crazy rated-R stuff to be talking to 11-year-old girls about.  But Coriantumr lives and happens to be the one that in an earlier chapter remembered the words of Ether, the prophet, and repented but had no power to help the rest of the people stop fighting.  He is mentioned earlier in the Omni, actually, which I thought was interesting.  Omni 1:20-21 says he lived with the people of Zarahemla for the space of "nine moons."

But anyway, the point in the lesson was that Ether had been preaching to these people multiple times, trying to get them to stop it!  He had gone down and told them to repent, to love each other, to follow the commandments of God and be kind again.  But they were too angry.  The spirit of the Lord no longer dwelt with them, as the scriptures said, and so Satan had full power over them.  So the lesson's focus was more on obedience to God's laws.  As I pondered this, I thought about how people often think of God's laws as rules that hold them back.  People want to have freedom, and this is often the case with teenagers - the world these girls are about to enter.  But the truth is, freedom is found in following God's laws.  His laws help us to be happy because as we do what is right, are choices have good consequences that make us happy.  Choices that are bad lead to bad consequences, unhappiness, and bondage.  So, even though a rule may seem like shackles, it is actually what helps us to be free.

As I pondered this lesson, I thought of a kite and found myself writing a poem!  It felt inspired and so I wanted to share it.  I gave the poem to the girls as a hand-out.

The Disobedient Kite

by Danielle Palmer

I once went flying with my master

He took me out on a windy day

He let me grow higher and higher

As the wind pulled me up and away

I pulled on the string he had tethered

Wishing to climb greater heights

I beckoned him softly as to whether

He’d give me my freedom in flight.

He shook his head at my imploring

Stating the string held me up

‘But the string just anchors my exploring!’

So I asked again, I wouldn’t let up.

Finally he said he would show me

The value in rules he had set

And he cut at the string from below me

Exulted, I leaned, the wind swept

But the soaring expected then faulted

And broken, I began the fall

For the connection I’d found as a burden

Was what held me up high after all.

I didn't make many edits to the thing.  It was like it just poured out of me.  It's simple, for one of my poems, but it served the purpose I wanted it to.  Then, while I was giving my lesson, we read this scripture together:

Ether 12:4
"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with ^asurety ^bhope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which ^chope cometh of ^dfaith, maketh an ^eanchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in ^fgood works, being led to ^gglorify God."

The word "anchor" caught my attention here.  Because it is the very word I use negatively in the poem to describe the lack of freedom the kite feels.  But here in the scripture, it is using the word to describe a safety and peace.  If we keep that anchor there, and hold to our faith in it, we will be sure and steadfast, always doing what is right and finding happiness!

This really testified to me that God loves the girls in my class.  Even though I rarely have more then two students at a time!  I have a very small class!  But these girls are so special, and when I really pay attention and try to follow the spirit as I prepare my lessons, the Lord will work through me.  It made me so excited to feel like I was being used as a tool in His hands to bring this message to these beautiful girls.  I learned from it too!

It made me also rededicate myself as a teacher.  I'm going to try to invest myself more in the future in the lessons I teach so I can keep the spirit with me during my lessons and so we can learn and be uplifted by His words.

Getting Clarity of Thought

It's crazy how some inspirations come at the oddest moments where it seem like everything may just be random.  But in truth, it's all part of God's meticulous plan.  I am sitting in a very spiritual meeting when it dawns on me that my book could begin in a different way then I previously had written.  Ding!  Funny.

Next to that, I was thinking about how much praying vocally helps clarify things.  And even more, how much writing things down clarify things even more.  Keeping a journal is not just good advice, it's inspired advice.  It may be hard to begin writing down all the thoughts you have - even things you are ashamed of - but it is freeing and really clarifies things.  I mean, sometimes my thoughts can get all muddled and start going in circles until I sit down and just write it out.  Somehow, writing things down slows down your brain process enough to really give more meaning in the concepts.  And talking helps too.  Something about forming the words into some kind of language, instead of just letting the concepts whirl in your head, can really clarify everything.  Sometimes I am having really deep thoughts and I simply HAVE to call someone and talk about them before I explode.

Maybe I'm just strange that way.  But this makes good, trustworthy, nonjudgmental friends a necessity.  Usually I call my best friend and other times I call my mother.  Lately, I also have the ability to call someone I know strictly on a first name basis to keep anonymity and that really creates a new venue!  But I don't use it as often.  I'm blessed to have a good genuine connection with my best friend and mother, where there is no fear involved in admitting the worst part of myself without any kind of reprehension or repression.  I'm guessing I'm pretty blessed to have that, because the more that I see of the world the more I realize how lonely so many people are because of the people that push them away, or that they have pushed away....

Anyway, this post has too many tangents.  Can you tell I journal?  Haha!  Journalling is all about tangents because it's mainly stream-of-thought type writing.  Really gets those juices flowing so I can really write.

The point I was going to get to about writing things down and praying aloud, though, is this.  Where do you think that extra clarity comes from?  A philosophy teacher of mine would argue that language is everything.  Our words create meaning and we don't have any comprehension of specific concepts until we have the words to describe them.  I think this is in many cases true - as in the studies of the man without a language that was done, it shows this to be accurate (which is completely fascinating!), but I want to think more about the spiritual side of this idea.

Truth with a capital T comes from God.  People way say that truth is epistemic, or created by the knowledge of something.  But I believe in a truth beyond the knowledge of man.  God's knowledge.  Clarity of thought comes from within.  (Wow, this is getting deep!  Let me get to the point already!)  Where do we get God's knowledge to testify within our hearts of the truth of things?  From the Holy Ghost, from the power of the spirit of God.  The Holy Ghost can hear our thoughts and He knows the intents of our hearts, though.  So, why is it that when we write things down or speak them aloud we gain more clarity?

This is where things get a little more grey in the "doctrinal" side of things, and goes more toward my opinion and what I feel spiritually is true, for myself.  I believe that our ancestors, and other angels watching over us, are present when we are writing things down or praying aloud.  They cannot know the thoughts of our hearts.  But they can read our writing and they can hear us speak.

Have you ever felt like there's someone reading over your shoulder as you're writing?  I have.   :)

But they wouldn't be judging you for what you are writing.  They would be helping you feel of their presence and helping you feel that they understand.

Ok, this may seem too weird for some of you to understand or believe, but it's something that I take very seriously.  I know that writing and praying aloud help me find more clarity of thought.  The next time you have muddled thoughts, try writing them down.  Whether the angels are reading it or not, it's been recommended by all kinds of therapists too. :)

Lost Soul

This morning I woke up thinking about a moment years ago again.  I hadn't thought about this particular moment for quite some time now but it has haunted me for years on and off.  It was a moment when I felt I should approach someone and speak to him.  But I didn't.  I watched him ubruptly remove his button-up shirt in frustration, throw it in the back of his truck, and drive away.  I think I might have called to him because I felt the desire to talk to him build at that moment.  But it was too late and I let it slip away.  I never saw him again.

I think about him now and then.  I wonder where he is or what he has done with his life.  I wonder where he has ended up.  I had looked him up online before, but never was able to find anything.  He never was the big social media type I guess.

But this morning he came to my mind again and I thought I would try again to look him up online.  And there he was.  The mug shot made him look harsher and he has facial hair now.  The light has completely left his eyes and I couldn't help but cry.  Now he's a registered sex offender.  I have no idea what the circumstances were in his charges but it still made me so sad because of where he has ended up.

I wonder what kind of change I may have had if I had followed that prompting in that moment when he was leaving the parking lot in his truck. I think back and picture his face and I can imagine him thinking "I'm never coming back here.  Ever."  Maybe I could have given him the hope to return.  Maybe I wouldn't have made a difference at all.  Still, it made me feel so sad that I didn't do it when I had that opportunity.  When I felt that prompting.

But then I remembered a talk I heard or read once a long time ago and I wish I knew who said this, but I can't remember.  He said that God is aware of all of us.  He loves all of His children and would never make it so they had just that one shot.  He would always give them many chances to make good decisions or do what is right.  I was not this guy's one shot to being better.  This missed prompting of mine wasn't his only opportunity.  God is still aware of him.  It made me feel a little better.  I cannot blame myself.  But now I have a new perspective on people.  I don't think I ever have felt compassion for a registered sex offender before in my life!  But I do now.  It goes to show that even people who make dispicable mistakes are God's children.  That boy had a hard home life growing up.  I don't know what he had to go through but I witnessed its effects.  He could have been a good kid.  He could have turned into a good man.  My heart breaks for him and all I can do now is pray and hope that I can listen a little closer to those promptings from here on out.  This is the repentence I must do to let that moment go.

I will never forget the way he looked the last time I saw him.  I hope he gets the lights in his eyes again someday.  I really do.

Inspiration

I mentioned before that I have been reading about synchronicities and so I've been looking for those little coincidences in my own life to learn from.

Lately my husband and I have been thinking a lot about plans for the next few years.  I've been trying to also follow the Lord's plan.  I know there are people out there who rely fully on the Lord's plan when it comes to the timing of their children.  Some people never use birth control because they just want to trust the Lord.  But if I never used birth control I would constantly be pregnant.  And now that I've had a miscarriage it makes me think even harder on the subject.  I won't go into details but we were looking at our options and I was struggling with my decisions.

A part of me feels like I might still be mourning my last pregnancy.  Perhaps I don't want to do anything big to prevent pregnancy because a piece of me still wants that baby.  It's insane because before my miscarriage, we were not trying for children and I did not think it was good timing.  This hasn't changed.  I know we have more to our family to come, but the timing is logically not right at the moment.  But I still felt uneasy as my doctor appointment approached.

There is a careful balance to keep.  One must rely on the Lord's guidance, but at the same time, one must make ones own decisions.  We have our agency for a reason.  So I once was told that I can just make my decisions based on my own knowledge to the best of my ability and then confirm the decision with the Lord.  If I feel wrong, after all that, there must be something wrong with the decision.  If it is ok, it will remain ok in my mind.  But I kept stumbling with this decision.  But was it because of a "stupor of thought" as the scriptures say?  Or was it my own anxiety, or my own hormonal irrational feelings?  I discussed this with my husband the night before my appointment.  We talked about how to know if the feelings I have are from me or from the Lord.  He said he wasn't feeling anything wrong with the plan, and we went to sleep.

I got up in the morning and when I read my inspirational quote of the day (which includes all subjects- not just spiritual subjects) and it just happened to be exactly what I needed to hear.  "God does not work for you, he works with you." Pandurang S. Athavale, who is an Indian philosopher, and Hinduism reformist.

It really made me think about how much I rely on the Lord's assistance in my decisions.  I don't often take that leap of faith so perhaps this was to be one.  I went to doctor's appointment, then, only to find that the plan we had discussed was going to be too expensive.  So there goes that.

Now I think back about this and I realize that sometimes I could be feeling uneasy about something just because I don't have all the information.  Yes, we need to make our own decisions.  God doesn't work for me.  But He was working with me.  He won't ever leave me alone.  Somehow I knew it wasn't going to work.  Something just wasn't right about it.  I should trust in my feelings.  God works with me every day.  I am never left completely alone.

----Update----
After writing this post, I was just uploading a family video to another blog and looking on YouTube and this video happened to pop up.  I thought I would embrace the coincidence and include it here. :)  I can't get the embed code to work so,  CLICK HERE.

Aware That the Lord Is Aware

On Friday, we decided to ride our bikes to school.  Jameson started kindergarten that week and it was the first day all week that didn't have the sun blaring down in scorching heat.  So we got our gear together (the littlies riding in my bike trailer) and rode our bikes to school.  Livin' the dream! :)  He left his little two-wheeler outside with the pile of bicycles from other kids and went in with an excited grin.  I have been so happy with the way he's transitioned to this new way of life.  Actually, yesterday his uncle asked him about how starting kindergarten felt and told him he saw his picture from his first day of school and he replied with, "Oh, that was back when I was little."  :)  A week ago.  Kindergarten really makes you grow up, I guess.

Anyway, in the afternoon, it started drizzling.  I knew it might be a little rainy that day but I would take riding my bike in the rain far over riding my bike in the scorching sun!  So I didn't let it bother me too much.  I left early to be sure I was there on time and rode in a slight drizzle.  But as soon as I got to the school, it came down in buckets.  We took shelter in between the front doors until it let up right before the bell rang for Jameson to get out of school.  (Good thing I left early, right?)  We then headed back for home.  By this time, Jimmy had texted me letting me know he got home early.  I texted back asking if he wanted to rescue us, but he missed the text somehow.  In any case, we didn't need rescuing, we were being watched over.  As soon as we made it home, strapped the younger littlies out of the bike trailer and got in the house, it came down again just as it had before.

Coincidence?

Well, I've been reading this book lately, Embracing Coincidence by Carol Lynn Pearson, in which she relays many small stories of ways the Lord can touch her life or teach her little lessons or give her reminders every day in just little synchronicities or coincidences.  Since I'd been reading her cute little stories, I thought this was one example in my own life of a tender mercy shown to me by the Lord.  I think these things are often taken for granted.  So many things happen every day without our noticing.  I decided to notice more often.  So I began paying attention more carefully after that.

We were leaving for the long holiday weekend to go visit my sister.  So we got everything ready and headed out about 5:30.  On the way out of town we saw a big hawk dive down in front of the car.  It was beautiful and daring.  Simply breathtaking.  I took note of it.  Later as we were nearing the freeway, it happened again!  Another hawk, a little larger then the first, dove down in front of the car in almost the exact fashion.  I thought, wow.  That's quite the synchronicity.  But I wasn't sure what the message behind these hawks might be.  Perhaps they were reminders for me to watch the road and drive carefully.  That thought felt boring to me, so I kept trying to think up some other reason these hawks were putting on their show.  Because then after we were on the freeway, we were stuck in traffic (and of course I didn't stress out about it- remember my last post?) because of an accident up ahead and there it was!  A third hawk was flying along to the left of our car in the stop and go traffic.  It would sore to a great height and just hover there in the air as though it were suspended on a string.  I sat in awe to watch it and was grateful for the moment to be stuck in traffic at a standstill so we could watch the hawk do its tricks.  Still, I wasn't sure what kind of message I could gain from this beautiful synchronicity, so I kept paying attention.

The rest of the trip went on normally.  We stopped to get sandwiches from Arby's for dinner, and continued on.  Before we knew it, the sun had gone down and we were getting off the freeway.  I went to the allotted corner and turned to drive down the little road out into the countryside next to the town.  My sister lived a short way out of town.  There's a little blue building along the way which has longtime memories for me.  My grandparents also live down this road an have for generations.  The little blue building is the electric building where my grandfather worked and I remember always pointing it out in my childhood when we were excited that we were nearly there after the long roadtrip.

As I was approaching the blue building, I suddenly felt a small panicky feeling inside that told me I was driving too fast.  I was still in "freeway mode" and had begun to speed so I looked down at the speedometer and began to slow carefully.  But in the next moment, I looked up and noticed a long trail of lights to my right a short distance away.  I was approaching the intersection where the blue building stood on the corner and a semi truck was coming fast on the road perpendicular to mine.  The feeling increased as I realized this truck was not slowing!  He was approaching his stop sign with as much speed as I was approaching my throughway.  I had already begun to slow, but I had no idea how I would be able to stop.  I know I made some kind of explanation as we neared the intersection but I can't remember what it was.  I only remember coming to a halt just in time to see the semi whip it's way past in front of us, and I still have no idea how I stopped in time.

I was melted to the seat with my heart throbbing in my toes and my throat choking on air.  Somehow, we were still alive and unharmed.  I inched at about 25 to 30 miles per hour the rest of the way, thanking the Lord we were ok.

In the moment, I could only think about the moment.  But afterward I was given more understanding.  In an event like this, every second counts.  If I hadn't noticed I was speeding and slowed down to begin with, it would have been too late.  My entire little family was in that vehicle and any other result...well, the very thought makes me cringe away and I cannot imagine.

I am so grateful for the awareness of the Lord in my life.  I know it wasn't just me.  The story doesn't end here.

Yesterday as we were getting ready to leave my sister's and head home, my youngest littlie and baby boy nudged a 4 by 6 mirror and it felt right on him, shattering to pieces.  I was calm, but my sister felt it necessary to take him in to be checked for glass and I agreed that it would be the best thing to do.  He only ended up with a few superficial scratches on his head, face, and hand.  They appear almost like cat scratches, but finer.  There was one wider mark on his head that they ex-rayed to be sure there was no glass and all was well.  We noticed later that he had been next to the coffee table and must have fell flat down and so the mirror hit the table first and broke there to shower him with bits of glass.  He he had been between the table and the mirror, it would have been much worse.  Again, I am so grateful it was the way it was.

My sister told me stories, and I'm sure anyone reading this has their own, of people who have died in random ways.  Getting caught in just the right way between two solid objects or hit in just the right spot to be fatal.  So it goes both ways.  We talk about how sometimes these sad circumstances that end in deaths are just such flukes it's incredible.  However, we are so fragile in this life!  The fluke isn't that any of us die, it is that we are all still alive!  That's the fluke!  In every day of our lives, in every moment, there are things that could kill us.  We are fragile beings in this world that are faced with close calls at every tern.  That may seem to sound kind of paranoid, but it's not.  Because I know the reason why I am still alive.  I know the reason why we are all kept alive in this world.  And that reason is because there is someone all-knowing and all-loving who is watching over us.  When it is our time to go, it will be our time.

I know my time wasn't yesterday.  I don't know when my time may be.  So for the moment, I am going to live in this fragile life in a way that I know I will be proud of and in a way I won't have regrets.  I'm going to forgive a little quicker.  I'm going to allow a little more.  I'm going to smile longer.  I'm going to hold my children closer.  Because every moment is a blessing.  And I am so grateful for the Lord's protection in these moments.

Painful Blessings

Some things I tried to understand simply cannot be understood until it's been experienced first hand.

About a week ago, I found out I was pregnant.  Again.  Now, for those who don't know, I have three little boys.  They are my life right now, whether I like it (most days I do) or not (which comes and goes).  My boys are ages 5, 3, and 1 at the moment.  My youngest turned one in May.

So, finding out I was pregnant wasn't the jump-for-joy kind of experience.  But, although logically I was thinking "Oh, here we go." and trying to talk myself into the reasons this was a good thing, I couldn't help feeling this little smile inside.  It was like a creeping feeling of happiness that I couldn't suppress even though I logically fought it and didn't want to tell anyone about it.  It just wasn't a good time, I kept telling myself.

Then a week went by of me keeping this little secret to myself and trying to grow used to it.  There was this secret little smile within me about this untimely blessing only I (and my husband) knew about.

I was also feeling mixed feelings of gratitude.  Because a cousin of mine recently had a tragic but beautiful circumstance in her own family where she was told at about 6 months pregnant that her baby had something called Trisomy 13, and her little growing beloved one would not live much past birth and most likely would be premature.  I had followed her story over the last couple weeks, my heart hurting for her.  The baby was born and was healthy enough for her to take this little angel home with her.  Her mother was there and wrote emails to my mother, which were forwarded to me.  I followed the story, holding my breath.  Each moment with that baby was a blessing for her.  I think about if this were me, and I would be afraid to sleep.  The baby, little Elsie Jubie Lee, lived for 10 days.  I couldn't make it to the funeral so I thought hard about how I could possibly show my support.  I ordered a beautiful picture of Christ holding a newborn and planned to frame it.  Then I also ordered a book called "Gone Too Soon" which has scriptural and spiritual comfort for those who have experienced miscarriage, stillborn, or the death of a new baby.  Before sending the book, I decided I would read through it in its entirety since it isn't so long.  I received the book shortly before I found out I was pregnant.  I read it for about a week, packaged it up as a gift, and sent it.

The next day, I miscarried.

And my little smile was gone.

All I can say, is the Lord knows me.  He knows me more then I know myself.

I had suspicious symptoms at a barbeque at a friend's house, but by the next morning it became more clear what was happening to me.  I lay in bed with my mind blank.  I kept asking myself how I felt and couldn't answer myself.  Until my husband asked if he should stay home with me that day and I began to cry.  All I could think is, "Oh.  This is how I feel."  Later that day, I went to the doctor to see on their screen the little sack where the baby should be and there was none.  I was told there was really nothing I did wrong.  99% of the time, it is something that went wrong with the cells and the fetus.  It was just not right.  I understood.

But what I couldn't understand was why I had to go through this.  Why did the Lord give me a pregnancy when I wasn't looking for one, and then take it away?  Why did He give me a blessing I wasn't certain I wanted only to take it away before I could realize how much I in fact wanted it?  I still don't know the answer the this question, but I do know one thing.  I have learned, and I have changed.

Before this, I took everything for granted.  Pregnancy was easy for me.  It was something that just happened.  I rode it like I was in a boat floating over waves without oars, relying on someone else to guide me safely, and being happy that way.  Now I realize what a miracle healthy pregnancy and childbirth really is.  I also have learned so much about sincere service.  So many people can try giving well-meaning advice or words of comfort that just plain ISN'T comforting.

I don't want to hear "They're in a better place." or "It just wasn't the right time."  I don't want to hear "Now you have a reason to try harder for Celestial glory." or "This baby was just an angel, not meant for life in this wicked world." or "One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it's pretty common."

It might be a better place, but it's not with me.  I know it's not the right time, but why this "here you go, or not" thing?  I already was trying, and I didn't need another excuse to feel unworthy.  AND I believe every spirit son and daughter of God gets to live on this earth.   They all get a chance at life.  I don't understand where they are or what they will do, but God does.  And just because miscarriage is common, doesn't mean it's not INCREDIBLY heartbreaking and PAINFUL!  But all this aside, just stop it.

Words don't help anyway.

The week after this happened was like a single day.  Days just passed, and it forever felt like the miscarriage began yesterday.  I tried doing laundry and it lasted all week.  Time just passed.  I knew this was a sign of depression.  I attended a temple session where I slept through it (eyes open or shut).  Then my husband's birthday came and went, we celebrated the next day with dinner and a movie where I felt a little more normal, then it was my birthday and we went to visit family for a reunion.  By the end of that day, I felt outside my own body.  Maybe I didn't drink enough water.  Maybe it was the heat and wind.  Maybe it was just a combination of everything.  But I cried again on the way home.

I'm exhausted.  I'm physically so tired.  But I'm also tired of feeling this way.  I don't know how to feel better.  I want to just pick up and do things.  I try to stay busy, doing what I should, but if I'm honest with myself, all I want to do is lay on the couch all day and watch movies.  But I can't do that with these three small children climbing out, over, and through everything and their mothers.

So I clean.  And I hope to feel better.  And my heart goes out to those other mothers who experience miscarriage later in pregnancy when there are more procedures needed.  And my heart goes out to those other mothers who experience the death of a fully grown baby, whether still in the womb or in their arms.  And my heart aches for their pain.  And my heart aches for their crazy hormonal emotions, which everyone experiences after childbirth anyway - but the upside is that there is a baby there.  So what if there isn't one?

 I love you, women.  All of you.

Natural Man

 I've been especially touched by this scripture lately so I made myself a printable.  Thought I would share. :)

D&C 122:4

I read this in my scriptures this morning and loved it so much I had to make it look cool to share.  Happy Sunday!

Keeping the Right Spiritual Feeling

I never applied keeping the spirit in my relationships quite like I have been lately and it's been GRAND!  I've heard it said that when you are married, you should love your spouse emotionally, physically, and SPIRITUALLY.  I couldn't quite understand how one loves spiritually.  But I think I'm beginning to understand it.  Bonding spiritually is a beautiful thing and I'm seeing how it really glues you together as a couple to add that special touch.

Someone asked me how you could find this kind of love.  My answer?  You can't.  This kind of love isn't found at all.  It's something achieved after hard work.  You can begin to love someone emotionally.  You can begin to love someone physically.  Maybe you could begin loving someone spiritually, hey, it's possible.  But to have the kind of love where all three exist and harmonize tremendously, it takes years of being together and working through the rough spots.  It takes patience with each others' faults and each others' weaknesses.  It takes acceptance and love for each other the way the Savior would love.

You wouldn't realize that your spouse could be difficult to love sometimes, but it's true!  No one is perfect.  If you are waiting for that perfect someone, you may never marry!  If you are feeling stuck to someone you don't think is good enough, look again.  People say to look back at the reasons why you married that person in the first place.  Well, in my case that doesn't help because I wasn't drop dead in love when I got married.  It just depresses me to look back and the hard times I had in those first months of marriage when we both struggled with failed expectations and the challenge of change.  So instead, I look at us now and I look at the future.


People say not ever to settle when you get married.  Sometimes people wonder if they DID settle for their spouse.  (I think every married person asks themselves if they did- if you haven't yet, you will at some point.  If you never do, well I congratulate you on defying the odds.)  The thing is, no one settles for a person.  Everyone settles for their idea of what their relationship is going to be like forever.  If you think "This is the way our relationship is and it will always be this way." well, it will always be that way.  I got married and thought this way.  I thought it was good enough.  I wondered at one point if I had settled.  I wondered if I would ever find happiness.  I thought if I left, it would still be impossible to be happy anyway so I might as well stay.  Then someone told me (my bishop, actually) that love is NOT something that is JUST THERE OR IT'S NOT like they say about chemistry in the movies.  Love is something that grows as you work on it and as you give service.

You know why I married my husband?  Because, even though I could see he was not perfect, I could see he was the type of guy who would do whatever it takes to make our relationship work.  He would never give up.  That's all I needed.

Cleave [kleev]: To adhere closely; stick; cling.

Today I was reading on this page about mainly efforts in some wards to more adequately approach sexuality amongst church members, and I came upon this section (Item #6 Intimacy by President Dean E. Criddle - Young Married Couples) where it talked about intimacy in a marriage.  I wasn't looking for advice on my marriage while reading this stuff - I was interested in the messages on sexuality.  But sometimes the Lord sneaks in those lessons that we need most at times we don't expect.

Anyway, this section talked about the scripture that says one should "cleave" unto our spouse.  While most of the time, we approach this scripture focused on the negative (don't cheat on your spouse), in this reading Criddle (I'm assuming) points to the more positive approach of this subject (what we SHOULD do).  I'll just quote here.

"The promise is not simply to avoid cleaving to someone else. It also includes the affirmative covenant to cleave to the chosen spouse. I believe this is a covenant to be pro active in both giving and receiving emotional and physical intimacy – including a covenant to do our best to receive emotional and physical intimacies offered by our chosen spouse.

This can be a challenge.....sometimes... it [is] difficult or even impossible for husbands to be proactive in sharing emotional and physical intimacy with their wives...Sometimes... it [is] challenging for wives to offer or to be willing to accept intimacies offered by their husbands. This can lead to emotional distance and difficulties in sharing other levels of intimacy between husband and wife as well.

Even when there are no specific or dramatic intervening biological or emotional circumstances, the challenges of daily life can and do create wedges between husbands and wives. Whether these wedges are large or small, they can and do make it difficult for spouses to be affirmative in “cleaving unto” each other. I believe this is an issue grappled with by every single couple who has been married for any period of time. It cuts a broad swath especially through the ranks of recently married couples in this Stake, leaving sadness, disappointment and sometimes bitterness and deep grief. This is an “elephant in the living rooms” of even the most committed, self-sacrificing and generous married couples."

 I was struck by this because I had never applied this scripture to my marriage in quite this way.  I have always known it would be better in my marriage if we were sharing both the emotional and physical side of intimacy to each other, but I never connected it to the commandment to "cleave" unto ones spouse.  It made me think more about how my husband and I could work more on being "pro active" in our "cleaving". :)  I then put it aside in my mind and mostly forgot it.

But just now I was looking at my Dictionary.com app on my phone at the word of the day.  It happened to be "Cleave."  I think God is trying to send me a message today.  I better go downstairs now and share a conversation with my husband. :) Happy cleaving, you married people, you.