A New Year and My One Little Word for 2014

In 2012, I chose Whisper.  It helped me to focus on speaking softly and listening closer to the spirit.

In 2013, I chose Serve...then swapped it out for Diligent half way through the year because I felt I was losing myself in the service a bit too much... but I think this year just spun off kilter because I've been on the wrong birth control and it made me a different person.  But I do feel like I have learned to be more diligent in my self discipline by the end of this year.  I have renewed my efforts to be a better person and be closer to my Savior then I have been before. (And I got off that stupid stuff.)

Now I'm looking 2014 in the face with a shock because it seemed like yesterday I was just changing 2013's diapers and now he's walking his little hiney out the door and I'm greeted with a new face.  I'm not sure if this face is friendly or not yet.  2014 has some secrets for me that are not going to be revealed right away.  I visualize 2014, not as a newborn baby like 2013 seemed to be.  But as a cloaked stranger, waiting to lower his or her veil to reveal the face of my future.

In 2014, my family will hopefully, fingers-crossed, most likely be starting a new adventure into the unknown land of living with "Law-school Daddy".  Right now, Daddy is sorta the glue that holds Mommy's sanity in check.  So, let's hope "Law-school Daddy" isn't much different.  Or let's hope "Law-school Daddy's Wife" is up to being Full-time-Dedicated-Mom-of-the-Year, because right now she's feeling a little pathetic at the moment.  The trapeze artist needs more balance before she can walk that rope.

2014 may or may not hold a relocation for our family as well.  You see, law school is big fat book laying on my chest with a binding that won't open yet.  Inside this book's pages lies the answer to where we will live during law school.  Whether we will remain here among this loving outstandingly supportive neighborhood... or whether we will move to [somewhere else] where who knows how supportive or unified the neighborhood will be?  This will be somewhere where my oldest will start second grade, and my second child will start kindergarten.  This will be a place we may live for only one year, but nothing is set.  Nothing is planned.  Nothing is made to order.  This to-go box is going to come ready-made, and when it's cooked through we will be given what we're given.  No turning back.  We'll have to eat it.  That's up to 2014.

That's not to say we have no choices to make.  There will be choices.  The hard part is waiting on what those choices will be.  Are we going to have to decide how to get a second vehicle for commuting?  Or will we be deciding how to downsize our belongings to fit into a small apartment?  Will we be installing new carpet and giving our home a new paint job for us to enjoy, or for someone else to enjoy?  Will we be driving across states with a trailer truck that holds everything we own?  Will I be saying goodbye to my small but promising positions with the little local paper, my little piano students, my essential oils friends, and my ward family?  Or will I get to keep it all?  Somehow that seems like too much to expect right now.

So, as I look at 2014's unfamiliar and shadowy face, I am once again asking myself what I will choose as my One Little Word this year?

Outside of all the unknowns, what are the things I really need to work on this year?

I need more patience.
With my kids.  With my life.  With my husband.  With my family members.  With myself.
I need to breathe.
I need to stop myself from speaking, acting, lunging forward, shouting, screaming, interjecting, rescuing...
I just need to stop.
Break.
Breathe.
Pause.


This is my one little word for 2014.
Pause.



In that crazy out-of-my-mind moment when all day I have been picking up emergency messes in my house, when my children just haven't been listening to me and I feel like a broken record.
Don't do that.  Don't do that again.  Don't do that.  D o n ' t .

Pause.

And in that moment when I'm busy, my mind is focused, I'm feeling as though I'll be finished any minute now.  Just a little longer and I will feel accomplished, and my child interrupts me.  Mom.  Just a minute, I'm busy.  Mom!  Just a minute.  Mom, look!  Hold on a second.  MOM!

Pause.
In that moment when I discover another secret naughty act, after the millions from the day.  That moment when my son looks up at my face with that tiny glimmer of hope in his eyes that maybe if he's just honest with me I won't break.  That moment when I feel like my body is  s h a t t e r i n g  into a million pieces just like that precious heirloom that was happily thrown against the wall earlier that day with a squeal and dashing bare feet.  When I can feel my blood pressure rising and my head begins to pound.

Pause.  B r e a t h e.

I can do all things with the Lord who strengthens me.

This too shall pass.

I'm not perfect, Lord.  Take this cup from me.  Carry my cross for a moment.
I need Thee every hour.
I need Thee, Lord.  Oh, I need Thee.

Tomorrow I will be better.  Tomorrow I'm going to Pause.
Tomorrow will be my jumpstart into 2014, and all the surprises that await.
When if my husband says we will pick up our lives and begin again somewhere new.
Before I react in some unknown way that is now hidden in my subconscious mind where I am not allowing myself to go...
I will Pause.

If when I am given a "golden" opportunity to share my experiences with someone who might "need" it,
Before I voice my opinion
Before I post that comment
Before I interject
I will Pause.

When if I wake up in the night to the sound of little feet shuffling into my room and a groan from the tired man next to me,
Before I roll over and let him deal with it
Before I rush that little body out of the room
I will Pause.
and remember this too shall pass. And do I want it to?

If when I am finding myself distracted by unimportant things and my child is trying to remind me to look them in the eyes again.
Before I brush him off
I will Pause.
and I will see him.

When if I find my kitchen drenched in milk and chocolate chips.
Before I scream.
Before I cry.
Before I fall down dead.
I will Pause.
.... and maybe then I'll find something to laugh about.

Happy New Year!
What's your One Little Word?

I'm Stubborn...What Are the Desires of My Heart?

I was struggling with received criticism lately.  I kept thinking to myself that I hadn't really done anything wrong and the person who had approached me may have been the only one offended and it was her fault.  There is no reason for me to explain why that wasn't sitting well on my conscience and I kept dwelling on it.  That stubborn streak within me has come out a few times lately, actually.

I went to the temple shortly after receiving this criticism.  Which was, actually, really good timing for me, even though it wasn't my own plan and others just happened to push me in that direction.  As I sit in the chapel area waiting for sessions to begin, I've created the habit to read in the scriptures they usually have available.  So I did this.  I knew I wasn't feeling close to the spirit at the moment and needed to make things feel right again somehow.  At times like that, I like to open the book up randomly and let it just speak to me.  So that's what I did.

The word "peace" jumped off the page at me, but I was being stubborn, like I said, so I thought...hm...how about the other page.  I'll begin reading over there.  (Kind of dumb, huh...but *sighs* that's me.)  So I read the next page all the way to the bottom, then went back to the first page and read from the top.  I still hadn't really gotten anything that spoke to my soul until I once again came to the verse containing the word "peace" in it.  I finally conceded.

It was D&C 105:38-41 (I had read section 106 first...)
This is an indirect quote:
Sue for peace, not only to those who've smitten [me] but to all.  Proclaim peace! Propose peace...according to the voice of the spirit and all things shall work together for my good.  Therefore, be faithful and behold and lo, I am with you even unto the end.

I had been wanting to lash out to protect myself in a some sort of fight of flight knee-jerk reaction.  Now in reading this, I decided I needed to just let it go, and so I could return to a good state of mind and acceptance to the person who'd hurt me.  Immediately when I did this, it opened my eyes to the truthfulness in the criticism I'd received!  Now I can take it for what it's worth, learn from it, and move forward productively.

Later, I was studying Alma 7:23
"I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive"

It struck me that these godlike traits and qualities: humility, patience, gentleness are CHOICES first.  I think perhaps all godlike qualities begin that way. Because we are not godly, of course, because naturally we are manlike and the natural man is far from being godlike.  So, if we want to develop qualities like that, we have to begin with the choice to be that way.  It isn't easy because it isn't natural.  It takes practice to develop these things into habit and then hopefully it can become a talent.

Last week, I was being truly harrowed up by things going on in the world right now.

I love people.  I just do.  It's maybe a godlike quality I was blessed with as a talent that just came with me.  I've been blessed and burdened with charity for others, and having that is something I value very much, but sometimes I've found it can handicap my judgement about some things.  I've been hurt, and sometimes I've been very wrong.

Facebook exploded with things about marriage equality lately.  It had been something I'd been contemplating about for over a year.  I struggle with it because my church does not support marriage equality.  I understand why the church doesn't.  I believe in what my church believes in.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, and is a beautiful and sacred thing in the eyes of God.  However, I love my friends and family members who want to be loved and have relationships and cannot do so without leaving the church behind.  It's been a struggle for me from the very beginning.

I know from personal experience that these people are good and God loves them because there would be no way He possibly would not.  I believe they have a place and it's beyond my mortal understanding.  But I know God has a place for them.

I believe in letting others find their place by whatever means they choose.  I am not in charge of other people.  God is.  He knows each person individually and He knows them and can take care of them and guide them to where they need to be.  But it's not up to me.  I also don't believe it's up to any politicians or government officials to decide.  This is why I decided to support marriage equality.

That exploded.

Of course I have many friends who did not see things the same way.  I have friends who did, yes.  But everyone's views are tainted by something and I just felt like I was floating in a bunch of biased articles and information as I continued to research the church's viewpoint as well as what other people said.  Even LDS people.

The more I stuck to what I said, the more horrible I began to feel, the more reading I did...and the further I felt I was pushing something good away.  I hated it.  I didn't want to go back on what I believed in.  I didn't want to betray other beliefs.  I was so conflicted.  Then I had a REALLY BAD day where everything felt upside down and just plane wrong.

I had a visit from a friend that day.  She is not LDS, but she is very devout and believes in true principles.  I expected her to take a side and give me a lecture the same way my Facebook friends had done.  The same way I had been doing to my Facebook friends.  Sadly.

But she didn't.  She stood there listening to me talk about my inner conflict and frustrations and responded with simply saying: It's not between you and your friends or even between you and your church.  It's between you and God, and it looks to me like you need to do some real praying to set things right between you and God.  No one else can tell you that.

I had been afraid to pray.  Actually, sort of avoiding it.  I would say my prayers, and once in a while feel that little push to pray about this subject, but I always would push it away.  Because I was scared of the answers I would receive.  I was afraid that God would tell me I was wrong.  I felt like I had to be right.  My loved ones deserve happiness the same as anyone.

I decided the entire Facebook discussion was driving the spirit away from me.  So I backed down and ended all discussions on the topic on Facebook.  I was not helping anyone by sharing my stubborn spirit with other people.  In fact, I was probably feeding the adversary's plan.  It makes me want to cry to even admit that.

But the truth is, I am right to an extent.  My homosexual friends and family members are indeed children of God and God loves them.  They deserve all happiness.  They deserve to be embraced and loved and fulfilled in life.  But having marriage with someone of the same sex, as much as it may seem to be the answer, will not in fact bring them the happiness they crave.  I wish it were that simple.  I wish they could just find a spouse and get married and live happily ever after.

But that is a fairy tale that doesn't exist.  Even for a straight person!  Marriage was not the happily ever after fairy tale ending for me, and I don't know anyone who would say they had one either when they were married.  It wouldn't be that way for a homosexual either.

I then read this article which helped me see the issue a little clearer from a non-religious perspective.

The entire thing breaks my heart.  Because I truly love these people and I know they are good.  I understand where they are coming from and why they are fighting so hard for the things they want in their lives.  But I honestly feel now that what they are fighting for so hard, while they believe it will bring them happiness, will in fact bring sadness...even at a catastrophic level.

I was being stubborn.  I didn't yield to the spirit.  Now that I have, it feels a lot better.  I'm more at home in my heart.  I will continue to support and love homosexuals.  Because they deserve finding every happiness in their lives.  But sometimes God's plan for that happiness is different then ours.  Sometimes following His will is harder then we can even imagine, because it goes against what we think is the best way.  But He sees all.  HE knows all.  All we have to do is trust in that and stop being stubborn.  Choose humility.  Choose gentleness.  Choose to be patient.  Sue for peace.

Keeping the Right Spiritual Feeling

I never applied keeping the spirit in my relationships quite like I have been lately and it's been GRAND!  I've heard it said that when you are married, you should love your spouse emotionally, physically, and SPIRITUALLY.  I couldn't quite understand how one loves spiritually.  But I think I'm beginning to understand it.  Bonding spiritually is a beautiful thing and I'm seeing how it really glues you together as a couple to add that special touch.

Someone asked me how you could find this kind of love.  My answer?  You can't.  This kind of love isn't found at all.  It's something achieved after hard work.  You can begin to love someone emotionally.  You can begin to love someone physically.  Maybe you could begin loving someone spiritually, hey, it's possible.  But to have the kind of love where all three exist and harmonize tremendously, it takes years of being together and working through the rough spots.  It takes patience with each others' faults and each others' weaknesses.  It takes acceptance and love for each other the way the Savior would love.

You wouldn't realize that your spouse could be difficult to love sometimes, but it's true!  No one is perfect.  If you are waiting for that perfect someone, you may never marry!  If you are feeling stuck to someone you don't think is good enough, look again.  People say to look back at the reasons why you married that person in the first place.  Well, in my case that doesn't help because I wasn't drop dead in love when I got married.  It just depresses me to look back and the hard times I had in those first months of marriage when we both struggled with failed expectations and the challenge of change.  So instead, I look at us now and I look at the future.


People say not ever to settle when you get married.  Sometimes people wonder if they DID settle for their spouse.  (I think every married person asks themselves if they did- if you haven't yet, you will at some point.  If you never do, well I congratulate you on defying the odds.)  The thing is, no one settles for a person.  Everyone settles for their idea of what their relationship is going to be like forever.  If you think "This is the way our relationship is and it will always be this way." well, it will always be that way.  I got married and thought this way.  I thought it was good enough.  I wondered at one point if I had settled.  I wondered if I would ever find happiness.  I thought if I left, it would still be impossible to be happy anyway so I might as well stay.  Then someone told me (my bishop, actually) that love is NOT something that is JUST THERE OR IT'S NOT like they say about chemistry in the movies.  Love is something that grows as you work on it and as you give service.

You know why I married my husband?  Because, even though I could see he was not perfect, I could see he was the type of guy who would do whatever it takes to make our relationship work.  He would never give up.  That's all I needed.

Deep Breathes

When my boys are driving me NUTS, it means to take time to play a game.

Not hush them because I'm trying to do something else.
Not get annoyed or angry because they're running around being noisy.

It's time to put down what I'm doing and go outside and take a few minutes playing tag or hide and seek.

Then... it's all better.

Learning Through Patience

I recently had the opportunity to meet a few people I don't know at all and somehow got into some pretty in-depth conversations with this woman I met. I didn't really know anything about her personally, her strengths or beliefs, but I gathered that she was a member of the LDS church. As we chatted, I'm not sure how the subject came up, but I found myself again talking about my point of view on homosexuality. It seems I find myself in this conversation often. I'm not sure if it's because I simply MUST share my views on the issue or if it's a coping mechanism of mine or if I'm actually guided by the spirit to do so, but in any case I do speak to people about this often.

I found myself truly grateful that I have the understanding and knowledge that I have about this subject. So many people do not understand. It is hard for anyone to understand something so personal without having some kind of experience with it. Because I have personal experience with loved ones of mine, I have a different perspective than most, at least most of the people I come across, especially those within the LDS church.

Don't get me wrong, I love the gospel. I have a testimony and will follow church authorities. But that also doesn't mean I haven't struggled with this issue because of the attitudes I've been met with. People simply do not understand.

In my initial struggles on the subject it was as though I hit denial. Because I knew and loved these people so much, there was absolutely no way I could believe they were evil or damned as some people taught. After struggling with this concept initially, I came to a place where I would simply say - it's not my job. I love them anyway. I put my trust in the Lord.

In Relief Society yesterday we discussed patience. There are so many different faucets of this word that I had not applied to myself before. Among the kinds of patience you seek as a parent with your children, or a spouse, or just dealing with other people's personalities, there is the patience you develop while learning gospel principles. It hit me that this is what I had been doing for years and years. I had simply been patient and pondering on the issue I struggled with. It was too heartbreaking to jump to conclusions, so that's what I did. I trusted that the Lord would make things right. No matter what happens, the Lord has an infinite and eternal understanding of things that surpasses me completely. I just need to trust my heart, which tells me the church is true, and love people.

Then the Ensign for June came into my home and I took the time to read much of what was in it. I am so grateful I did! Lately I haven't been devouring the Ensign in the way I used to. I read an article entitled "Defending the Family in a Troubled World" by Elder Bruce D. Porter of the Seventy. The part that really spoke to me was the section under "The Shifting Definition of Tolerance" because of everything, this is where I have been struggling. I felt it was none of anyone's business what someone else in the world does as long as they aren't hurting anyone. This section talked about how the world's view of tolerance is redefining the virtue and distorting it, abandoning all sense of right and wrong. It never pin-pointed homosexuality in this article, however this is where I applied it in my own mind. It goes on to talk about how love is of even more importance and surpasses tolerance. In any case, I felt my mind at peace around this issue for the first time. I hope that more and more we can develop this balance among all the people in the world.

Later in the same issue is the article entitled The True Path to Happiness and I felt it also expanded on where my mind already was. I am so glad we are given the opportunity to find revelation through patience and pondering.