Who's Birthday Is It Anyway?

 

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be pretty rocky for some people.  It seems like typically the youngest of a family struggles the most with this.  Maybe it's because we are spoiled, or maybe it's because we never want to stop playing or lose the magic of childhood, but something about being the youngest holds us back from embracing the fact that, yes, I'm over twenty years old now.  In fact, I'm reaching thirty soon.  But I guess the number doesn't matter that much because I don't feel that much different (unless I'm jumping on the trampoline or something) and I still want to play and feel the magic of love inside my heart.  Too often adults get caught up in being serious and responsible and forget about having fun and being curious and looking for the wonder in life.

So keeping this in mind, Christmas this year is once again giving me a struggle because I have been wrestling with the magic.  I miss the days when Christmas was all about the childlike excited anticipation of "what's going to happen?" and the belief in things happening that are not ordinary, but special and magical.  Now I get caught up in the idea that I have to make these things happen and I miss out on the magic because I think...I'm not magical.  How am I supposed to create the magic for my family?  And I lose out on that special Christmas feeling that I used to feel all December long as I gazed at the Christmas lights reflecting off the shining ornaments of the Christmas trees, or when I caught snowflakes on my tongue.

But I am starting to remember what the magic really is all about.

I attended a small Christmas party last night where we drank hot cocoa and gathered around their make-shift fire-lit living room with couches and comfy beanbag chairs by the Christmas tree, and listened to stories.  One of the stories was about a little boy living in a backwards town.  I found the story here!  It tells about how on his birthday everyone did what was unexpected and not what was expected.  This little boy spent his entire birthday watching people give each other gifts instead of giving him gifts.  His mother gave his birthday cake to the mailman, and his grandparents came to visit a neighbors house instead of his.  Finally this little boy gets a megaphone and rides around the neighborhood shouting "Who's birthday is it anyway?"

We need to remember who's birthday it is, anyway.

I was truly touched by this story.  When she began reading it, I had no idea how it was going to relate to Christmas, but in the last line it hit me like a dagger to the heart.

I've had all kinds of goals and plans this Christmas.  I wanted to teach my kids to be more selfless by trying to make home-made gifts this year for each other.  It's been a huge challenge, because since my kids are 6 and under really it's me coming up with these home-made gifts for them to help me make for everybody.  It's become overwhelming but I want to see it through.  I want Christmas to be more then just receiving.

Then today I had a telephone conversation with my mother-in-law that prompted me to post this blog post.  She talked about her desire to convey the message about the true meaning of giving gifts at Christmas.  The gift doesn't have to be expensive.  It doesn't have to be stunningly beautiful in a material way.  Giving at Christmas is more then what's wrapped inside the wrapping paper.  It's what you feel inside, and it's what you sacrifice for each other.  My mother-in-law's definition of Christmas is that Christmas is sacrifice.  Because we make sacrifices for each other to remember the greatest sacrifice given to us, that of the Christ.  I'm going to add to this and say Christmas is finding the joy in making sacrifices for others, no matter how small they are.

At the Christmas party last night, we were given Christmas Jars, following after the book by Jason Wright, where we can make a tradition to save a little in the jar all year round in order to save money for gifts for each other in our own family, or to give to another family for Christmas.  It's a beautiful tradition, and shed some light on the little sacrifices we can make all year to remember the sacrifice given to us by our Savior and our Heavenly Father.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Family Introspection

 Disclaimer:  This post may be a bit of a downer post.  My apologies.

I just drove away from another family reunion with my immediate family this year.
And I cried.
Again.

I started crying at the end of my family reunions for the first time a few years ago and it seems like it's become an annual trend.  At first I just said, well, I missed my family.  That was easy and understandable enough.  But I felt it didn't quite hit the mark on the expanse of my emotions.

I'm the youngest child in a family of 8 kids.  I grew up looking at my older sisters and brother as though they had godlike perfection.  I wanted to be just like them.  All of them.  (Sounds possible right?)  I wasn't aware of their mistakes or flaws until much later in life and it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks at first.  I thought "Oh wait, they aren't perfect?" and then of course the afterthought followed, "No of course they aren't perfect."  But this still didn't stop me from admiring their every trait.

As tears sprung once again as I was driving away from this year's family reunion, I began to honestly dissect the reason for my tears.  Yes, I miss my family.  I don't get to see them near as much as I'd like to especially since I became an adult.  I used to be the last one left living with my parents so everyone would come to my house to visit.  Now that I am married with kids I have to go there to visit and ALSO go simultaneously with other family members in order to visit them.  Or make the effort to connect with them at their homes or mine, but this often doesn't go any further then stating "We really should do something sometime."

So the family reunion comes in the summer and the anticipation to see these godlike creatures again in their glory consumes me.  Then I spend a couple days in their presence and am reminded of how much I don't know them as well as I want to know them, and how much I don't think they know me as well as I want them to.  Then it also hits me that I am now the adult I used to fantasize about being someday sans these fantastic traits I love in my older siblings.

I look at sister number 1 and see strength and contentment.  Sister number 2, and her all-consuming happiness and optimism.  Sister number 3 and her healthy respect, let alone her gardening and mothering skills.  Sister number 4 and her joy and enthusiasm with life.  My brother comes next with his unique humor and style.  Sister number 5 adds on the contentment and confidence.  Then of course sister number 6 has always been perfect beyond my ability to understand.  There are traits and beautiful things about each one of these amazing people that I admire so much.  As a kid I used to dream I'd be just like them.  I expected to be, because I was their family.  So I'd inherit these things, right?  But every year I'm reminded that now I'm adult and I still haven't amounted to those things I thought I would.  The biggest thing that seems to run in my family is everybody's innate contentment and resolution to life.  Somehow I skipped that gene.  It takes a lot of work for me to hunker down and get happy about my place in life.

Then I find myself thinking...each one of my siblings has something that stands out as their best quality.  She's good at organizing.  She's good at being positive.  She's supermom and green thumb.  She's fix-it lady and storyteller.  He's the cool, confident quirky one.  She's the cook and awesome mom.  She's the one that's always right.  So......what about me?

I'm the...messy mom with good intentions?

I think the reason I cry after the family reunion every year is because I'm disappointed.  I get so excited to reconnect and never feel like I have reconnected to the extent that I'd be satisfied.  I'm disappointed with myself for not living up to the expectations of who I wanted to become -my siblings.  I'm disappointed that I don't even know what my niche is.  I'm just the youngest.  The observer.  The silent one in conversations that awkwardly speaks up at the wrong time to try to fit in my own story.

People shouldn't compare themselves to other people.  But growing up in a big family of people I've idolized made that really hard for me not to do.  I have lots of good people to compare myself to, and I fall short.

I'm Stubborn...What Are the Desires of My Heart?

I was struggling with received criticism lately.  I kept thinking to myself that I hadn't really done anything wrong and the person who had approached me may have been the only one offended and it was her fault.  There is no reason for me to explain why that wasn't sitting well on my conscience and I kept dwelling on it.  That stubborn streak within me has come out a few times lately, actually.

I went to the temple shortly after receiving this criticism.  Which was, actually, really good timing for me, even though it wasn't my own plan and others just happened to push me in that direction.  As I sit in the chapel area waiting for sessions to begin, I've created the habit to read in the scriptures they usually have available.  So I did this.  I knew I wasn't feeling close to the spirit at the moment and needed to make things feel right again somehow.  At times like that, I like to open the book up randomly and let it just speak to me.  So that's what I did.

The word "peace" jumped off the page at me, but I was being stubborn, like I said, so I thought...hm...how about the other page.  I'll begin reading over there.  (Kind of dumb, huh...but *sighs* that's me.)  So I read the next page all the way to the bottom, then went back to the first page and read from the top.  I still hadn't really gotten anything that spoke to my soul until I once again came to the verse containing the word "peace" in it.  I finally conceded.

It was D&C 105:38-41 (I had read section 106 first...)
This is an indirect quote:
Sue for peace, not only to those who've smitten [me] but to all.  Proclaim peace! Propose peace...according to the voice of the spirit and all things shall work together for my good.  Therefore, be faithful and behold and lo, I am with you even unto the end.

I had been wanting to lash out to protect myself in a some sort of fight of flight knee-jerk reaction.  Now in reading this, I decided I needed to just let it go, and so I could return to a good state of mind and acceptance to the person who'd hurt me.  Immediately when I did this, it opened my eyes to the truthfulness in the criticism I'd received!  Now I can take it for what it's worth, learn from it, and move forward productively.

Later, I was studying Alma 7:23
"I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive"

It struck me that these godlike traits and qualities: humility, patience, gentleness are CHOICES first.  I think perhaps all godlike qualities begin that way. Because we are not godly, of course, because naturally we are manlike and the natural man is far from being godlike.  So, if we want to develop qualities like that, we have to begin with the choice to be that way.  It isn't easy because it isn't natural.  It takes practice to develop these things into habit and then hopefully it can become a talent.

Last week, I was being truly harrowed up by things going on in the world right now.

I love people.  I just do.  It's maybe a godlike quality I was blessed with as a talent that just came with me.  I've been blessed and burdened with charity for others, and having that is something I value very much, but sometimes I've found it can handicap my judgement about some things.  I've been hurt, and sometimes I've been very wrong.

Facebook exploded with things about marriage equality lately.  It had been something I'd been contemplating about for over a year.  I struggle with it because my church does not support marriage equality.  I understand why the church doesn't.  I believe in what my church believes in.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, and is a beautiful and sacred thing in the eyes of God.  However, I love my friends and family members who want to be loved and have relationships and cannot do so without leaving the church behind.  It's been a struggle for me from the very beginning.

I know from personal experience that these people are good and God loves them because there would be no way He possibly would not.  I believe they have a place and it's beyond my mortal understanding.  But I know God has a place for them.

I believe in letting others find their place by whatever means they choose.  I am not in charge of other people.  God is.  He knows each person individually and He knows them and can take care of them and guide them to where they need to be.  But it's not up to me.  I also don't believe it's up to any politicians or government officials to decide.  This is why I decided to support marriage equality.

That exploded.

Of course I have many friends who did not see things the same way.  I have friends who did, yes.  But everyone's views are tainted by something and I just felt like I was floating in a bunch of biased articles and information as I continued to research the church's viewpoint as well as what other people said.  Even LDS people.

The more I stuck to what I said, the more horrible I began to feel, the more reading I did...and the further I felt I was pushing something good away.  I hated it.  I didn't want to go back on what I believed in.  I didn't want to betray other beliefs.  I was so conflicted.  Then I had a REALLY BAD day where everything felt upside down and just plane wrong.

I had a visit from a friend that day.  She is not LDS, but she is very devout and believes in true principles.  I expected her to take a side and give me a lecture the same way my Facebook friends had done.  The same way I had been doing to my Facebook friends.  Sadly.

But she didn't.  She stood there listening to me talk about my inner conflict and frustrations and responded with simply saying: It's not between you and your friends or even between you and your church.  It's between you and God, and it looks to me like you need to do some real praying to set things right between you and God.  No one else can tell you that.

I had been afraid to pray.  Actually, sort of avoiding it.  I would say my prayers, and once in a while feel that little push to pray about this subject, but I always would push it away.  Because I was scared of the answers I would receive.  I was afraid that God would tell me I was wrong.  I felt like I had to be right.  My loved ones deserve happiness the same as anyone.

I decided the entire Facebook discussion was driving the spirit away from me.  So I backed down and ended all discussions on the topic on Facebook.  I was not helping anyone by sharing my stubborn spirit with other people.  In fact, I was probably feeding the adversary's plan.  It makes me want to cry to even admit that.

But the truth is, I am right to an extent.  My homosexual friends and family members are indeed children of God and God loves them.  They deserve all happiness.  They deserve to be embraced and loved and fulfilled in life.  But having marriage with someone of the same sex, as much as it may seem to be the answer, will not in fact bring them the happiness they crave.  I wish it were that simple.  I wish they could just find a spouse and get married and live happily ever after.

But that is a fairy tale that doesn't exist.  Even for a straight person!  Marriage was not the happily ever after fairy tale ending for me, and I don't know anyone who would say they had one either when they were married.  It wouldn't be that way for a homosexual either.

I then read this article which helped me see the issue a little clearer from a non-religious perspective.

The entire thing breaks my heart.  Because I truly love these people and I know they are good.  I understand where they are coming from and why they are fighting so hard for the things they want in their lives.  But I honestly feel now that what they are fighting for so hard, while they believe it will bring them happiness, will in fact bring sadness...even at a catastrophic level.

I was being stubborn.  I didn't yield to the spirit.  Now that I have, it feels a lot better.  I'm more at home in my heart.  I will continue to support and love homosexuals.  Because they deserve finding every happiness in their lives.  But sometimes God's plan for that happiness is different then ours.  Sometimes following His will is harder then we can even imagine, because it goes against what we think is the best way.  But He sees all.  HE knows all.  All we have to do is trust in that and stop being stubborn.  Choose humility.  Choose gentleness.  Choose to be patient.  Sue for peace.

Stuck in Traffic

Have you ever been stuck at a stand-still on the freeway?

How did you react?

Were you alone and booming the radio, muscles tense for action when nothing is happening?  Did you have a car full of sweaty impatient people tapping your shoulder telling you to go when you have no way to obey their orders?  Did you have a bunch of whiny thirsty kids repeating the sing-song "Are we there yet?" at the top of their lungs?

Well, let me tell you a story.

We took a long trip recently up through Idaho, Oregon, back through Idaho to Montana, and then back to Utah.  It was a long trip and we had three small children the entire time.  Guess what happened?  We got stuck in traffic in the middle of the desert in southwestern Idaho.  Nowhere to go.  We sat there wondering what to do and then something happened.

People got out of their cars.  They were conversing around us, having a good ol' time, being friendly and making the best of the situation.  One of them was a trucker and probably found out through his radio what the hold-up was.  The man from the car in front of us came to our window and told us there had been a chemical spill up ahead and the wait would probably be a couple of hours.

What would you do?

He informed us that he knew a back road off the last exit we passed and was going to go back to it and we were welcome to follow him.  So we followed him driving along the median against traffic until we could cross over to the opposite side to continue back toward the last exit and then followed him through some small towns to get back to the freeway.

It was so kind of this man.  And a positive experience!  How often do we have horrible experiences because of traffic?  Let me tell you, I can't imagine something like this happening in Utah.  Everyone is too bent on where they need to be and how someone else offended them personally because they needed to get into their lane.  "How DARE they get right in front of me when I can't go anywhere anyway!"

Come on, people.

Makes me miss the laid back friendly attitude people can have in smaller places.  It's why Idaho is that way - most places in Idaho are small.  Well, everywhere is small compared to other states.  Anyway, it just made me realize how much we freak out about little things.  When these little things can actually turn into something fun if we just have a good attitude about them.  Try it.

I also was thinking about how this could be a metaphor for all life.  Sometimes we want to get somewhere, and get there fast.  Sometimes we hit something that gets in our way and then we have a choice.  We can just sit there and whine, we can throw a fit, we can stress every muscle in our bodies until we're sore, or we can take a deep breath and look around for something worthwhile.  Some things are just beyond our control.  Like being stuck in traffic.  And when something is beyond your control, there is nothing you can do about it, and pouting never helps anyone.  So using these people from my experience as an example: what did they find to do that was worthwhile?  They looked around and saw there were other people on the road who were also stuck.  Instead of glaring and trying to inch ahead of the next guy (with no real meaning to it anyway) they got out of their cars and took a moment to get to know each other, make friends, and uplift.  The man in front of my car even took the time to help us.

So when I'm "stuck in traffic" in my life, instead of getting depressed and self-involved, maybe I should look around at the other people around me and find out that there are opportunities everywhere to help other people.  And maybe if I step out of my own world for a moment I will realize how insignificant my problems really are.  Maybe I'll step out of my "vehicle" to talk to, uplift, or help another person, and turn around and see that it's just that.  A vehicle.  Stuck in traffic.  For a moment.  And that moment is my opportunity.  I should take advantage of it.

For They Know Not What They Do...and Neither Do I

I just realized something.

If I ever feel critical of someone else or something, I've found it stems from my own issues more then anything to do with them. I have always believed in this statement: If I'm annoyed at something about someone, it's probably because I do the same thing, myself. So every time I find myself annoyed at something, I have to look inward and think about if I do the same thing. Then I can try to do better.

But even though I've believed in that statement a while, it's a lot easier said then done. Sometimes I am completely ignorant of the true meaning behind my negative feelings.

Recently I realized it can be jealousy sometimes. In a backwards sort of way. And I owed someone an apology for my behavior. Because I was jealous and threw all my negative self talk at them! SO unfair!

So then I was thinking about it, and what if it's the other way around?

If someone gets mad at me or critical of me and says something that may hurt my feelings - instead of taking it so personally, maybe I should look at it in the same way. That person has their own issues they are dealing with. Who knows why they are feeling critical of me. It could be because they struggle with the same issue somehow in their own life too. Of course, I wouldn't excuse myself from trying to become better, but I don't need to feel terrible and loath myself either because of their behavior. They have their reasons too.

My sister once talked to me about a statement the savior made on the cross. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." This actually applies in so many ways to all of us. No matter what wrong someone makes against us, I believe everyone is trying to do their best. They maybe doing wrong unintentionally, even if it doesn't seem right to us. They may be completely ignorant of the wrong. They may completely feel justified with their actions. They don't know. They may understand their side, but it's impossible for them to understand ours. So forgiveness is key. It makes it a little easier for me to forgive when I see it this way. No matter what the wrong is - even if they ARE trying to be mean - they really don't know what they are doing. They known not what they do.

Getting Past That Wall

Sometimes when trying to receive inspiration or revelation, whatever you'd like to call it, you might hit a wall. And it's invisible. You don't even know there's a wall there, so you continue to smack into it over and over again until you finally think, "Oh!" and decide walking AROUND might better. Yeah.

This is what I've done lately.

I'm returning to school this fall and have been stressing (morbidly) over daycare arrangements. My two oldest weren't a problem. I was just trying so hard to keep my baby at the campus daycare which could only watch him half the time I needed.

What soon ensued? Hair-raising, scream-inducing, tear-overflowing, maddening stress. Should I also bother mentioning that little thing called postpartum depression that I've been trying to avoid?

I tried finding people I trust who might be on campus at that time. I tried going through the ward, going through friends, and I was about to go through the single's wards down on campus to see if there was someone there (who I didn't know). I had nightmares about baby snatchers.

Finally...I noticed the wall I've been insanely bumping into, causing headaches (which turned out to be self-induced).

Let me tell you a story.

My mom bought a new house when I was a pre-teen. The only thing she didn't like so much was that there was this wall separating the kitchen from the front room. Those two places need to be more unified these days because people eat so much in this world. And because of this, there's always someone stuck in the kitchen to prepare food (usually mom) and why shouldn't this person be involved in the conversations going on too?

Also, this wall used to have a stove attached that had a chimney. It had been removed, leaving an ugly scar on the wall that needed patching. My mom worked and worked for hours and hours on that patch on the wall trying to make it look better. Hours. Days.

Finally she realized - hey! I don't want this wall here anyway! And they tore it out.

Sometimes we get so focused and stubborn about one thing, we go to great lengths to keep it there. It can cause all kinds of complications and make our life so hard. But until we realize it's all for that one little thing and it's ok to let that little thing go, we're stuck behind that wall.

My wall? Not being willing to use a dang bottle for a couple hours.

The thought hadn't even seriously occurred to me. I've never used a bottle. Nothing against those who do, I just never had the need to do so or wanted to for that matter. But would it hurt for me to pump a few hours on only two days a week? No. So now it's all been settled and he can be taken care of. That's what is most important.

So when you're in some kind of stressful predicament, take a step back. You may just be beating against a wall that doesn't need to be there at all.

Graditude

It is so important to be willing to give service to others. Looking for those opportunities is the best way to find them. I know when I am looking for them, it's a lot easier to find needs that I might not have noticed if I wasn't looking.

This past weekend we had a crazy storm with huge raindrops. It was measured to be coming down about 1 1/2 inches per hour! It was insanity! Hail also accompanied it. Water was running down my street and filling our garden. My husband was worried about our plants until we started to receive phone calls from members of my church in our neighborhood. People's basements were flooding!

Jimmy didn't hesitate and went to help suck water out of basements with his shop vac. Today I heard back from someone that he helped people in one home to rip up their carpet because it was ruined from the flooding! I wasn't only impressed by my husband but by many people in the neighborhood who stepped up.

We had more then a few phone calls from people in the ward just checking up on us to make sure we didn't have any flooding. I also had a couple people call me and ask me to call other people in the ward to check on them. I checked on the families I go visiting teaching to. My visiting teaching partner was gone for the day but when she got home she found her neighbors had sucked water out of her window wells and saved her basement from really flooding. She went over to check the window wells of another sister we know who was gone for a couple of the summer months.

I am so grateful to have some wonderful people surrounding me in my neighborhood. We really pull together to help each other - not only in the sudden death and funeral services we had recently - but also with any disasters large or small. I know I could count on my ward for anything and that's a beautiful feeling. Knowing this makes me even more willing and ready to serve them as well with anything. I'm all ears for some way to serve.