I'm Stubborn...What Are the Desires of My Heart?

I was struggling with received criticism lately.  I kept thinking to myself that I hadn't really done anything wrong and the person who had approached me may have been the only one offended and it was her fault.  There is no reason for me to explain why that wasn't sitting well on my conscience and I kept dwelling on it.  That stubborn streak within me has come out a few times lately, actually.

I went to the temple shortly after receiving this criticism.  Which was, actually, really good timing for me, even though it wasn't my own plan and others just happened to push me in that direction.  As I sit in the chapel area waiting for sessions to begin, I've created the habit to read in the scriptures they usually have available.  So I did this.  I knew I wasn't feeling close to the spirit at the moment and needed to make things feel right again somehow.  At times like that, I like to open the book up randomly and let it just speak to me.  So that's what I did.

The word "peace" jumped off the page at me, but I was being stubborn, like I said, so I thought...hm...how about the other page.  I'll begin reading over there.  (Kind of dumb, huh...but *sighs* that's me.)  So I read the next page all the way to the bottom, then went back to the first page and read from the top.  I still hadn't really gotten anything that spoke to my soul until I once again came to the verse containing the word "peace" in it.  I finally conceded.

It was D&C 105:38-41 (I had read section 106 first...)
This is an indirect quote:
Sue for peace, not only to those who've smitten [me] but to all.  Proclaim peace! Propose peace...according to the voice of the spirit and all things shall work together for my good.  Therefore, be faithful and behold and lo, I am with you even unto the end.

I had been wanting to lash out to protect myself in a some sort of fight of flight knee-jerk reaction.  Now in reading this, I decided I needed to just let it go, and so I could return to a good state of mind and acceptance to the person who'd hurt me.  Immediately when I did this, it opened my eyes to the truthfulness in the criticism I'd received!  Now I can take it for what it's worth, learn from it, and move forward productively.

Later, I was studying Alma 7:23
"I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive"

It struck me that these godlike traits and qualities: humility, patience, gentleness are CHOICES first.  I think perhaps all godlike qualities begin that way. Because we are not godly, of course, because naturally we are manlike and the natural man is far from being godlike.  So, if we want to develop qualities like that, we have to begin with the choice to be that way.  It isn't easy because it isn't natural.  It takes practice to develop these things into habit and then hopefully it can become a talent.

Last week, I was being truly harrowed up by things going on in the world right now.

I love people.  I just do.  It's maybe a godlike quality I was blessed with as a talent that just came with me.  I've been blessed and burdened with charity for others, and having that is something I value very much, but sometimes I've found it can handicap my judgement about some things.  I've been hurt, and sometimes I've been very wrong.

Facebook exploded with things about marriage equality lately.  It had been something I'd been contemplating about for over a year.  I struggle with it because my church does not support marriage equality.  I understand why the church doesn't.  I believe in what my church believes in.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, and is a beautiful and sacred thing in the eyes of God.  However, I love my friends and family members who want to be loved and have relationships and cannot do so without leaving the church behind.  It's been a struggle for me from the very beginning.

I know from personal experience that these people are good and God loves them because there would be no way He possibly would not.  I believe they have a place and it's beyond my mortal understanding.  But I know God has a place for them.

I believe in letting others find their place by whatever means they choose.  I am not in charge of other people.  God is.  He knows each person individually and He knows them and can take care of them and guide them to where they need to be.  But it's not up to me.  I also don't believe it's up to any politicians or government officials to decide.  This is why I decided to support marriage equality.

That exploded.

Of course I have many friends who did not see things the same way.  I have friends who did, yes.  But everyone's views are tainted by something and I just felt like I was floating in a bunch of biased articles and information as I continued to research the church's viewpoint as well as what other people said.  Even LDS people.

The more I stuck to what I said, the more horrible I began to feel, the more reading I did...and the further I felt I was pushing something good away.  I hated it.  I didn't want to go back on what I believed in.  I didn't want to betray other beliefs.  I was so conflicted.  Then I had a REALLY BAD day where everything felt upside down and just plane wrong.

I had a visit from a friend that day.  She is not LDS, but she is very devout and believes in true principles.  I expected her to take a side and give me a lecture the same way my Facebook friends had done.  The same way I had been doing to my Facebook friends.  Sadly.

But she didn't.  She stood there listening to me talk about my inner conflict and frustrations and responded with simply saying: It's not between you and your friends or even between you and your church.  It's between you and God, and it looks to me like you need to do some real praying to set things right between you and God.  No one else can tell you that.

I had been afraid to pray.  Actually, sort of avoiding it.  I would say my prayers, and once in a while feel that little push to pray about this subject, but I always would push it away.  Because I was scared of the answers I would receive.  I was afraid that God would tell me I was wrong.  I felt like I had to be right.  My loved ones deserve happiness the same as anyone.

I decided the entire Facebook discussion was driving the spirit away from me.  So I backed down and ended all discussions on the topic on Facebook.  I was not helping anyone by sharing my stubborn spirit with other people.  In fact, I was probably feeding the adversary's plan.  It makes me want to cry to even admit that.

But the truth is, I am right to an extent.  My homosexual friends and family members are indeed children of God and God loves them.  They deserve all happiness.  They deserve to be embraced and loved and fulfilled in life.  But having marriage with someone of the same sex, as much as it may seem to be the answer, will not in fact bring them the happiness they crave.  I wish it were that simple.  I wish they could just find a spouse and get married and live happily ever after.

But that is a fairy tale that doesn't exist.  Even for a straight person!  Marriage was not the happily ever after fairy tale ending for me, and I don't know anyone who would say they had one either when they were married.  It wouldn't be that way for a homosexual either.

I then read this article which helped me see the issue a little clearer from a non-religious perspective.

The entire thing breaks my heart.  Because I truly love these people and I know they are good.  I understand where they are coming from and why they are fighting so hard for the things they want in their lives.  But I honestly feel now that what they are fighting for so hard, while they believe it will bring them happiness, will in fact bring sadness...even at a catastrophic level.

I was being stubborn.  I didn't yield to the spirit.  Now that I have, it feels a lot better.  I'm more at home in my heart.  I will continue to support and love homosexuals.  Because they deserve finding every happiness in their lives.  But sometimes God's plan for that happiness is different then ours.  Sometimes following His will is harder then we can even imagine, because it goes against what we think is the best way.  But He sees all.  HE knows all.  All we have to do is trust in that and stop being stubborn.  Choose humility.  Choose gentleness.  Choose to be patient.  Sue for peace.

Good Intentions

It's been a rocky first month for me this year.  I keep trying and feeling like I'm not doing as much as I want to.  But I've been feeling sick off and on every since Christmas.  That or one of my kids (or more then one) is sick.  I feel like over the last couple days, being incredibly sick again, I've sort of given up.  I'm throwing in the towel.

At least until I feel like I can get my life back from these germs.

Sometimes I wish I could find a friend who's my twin who wouldn't make me feel guilty if they came over and cleaned my house for me or watched my kids for me.  I'd do it for her, ya know.

I've got such a short fuse when I'm sick.  Probably a good thing that I'm so hoarse that I sound like a bird when I try to yell.  Since I'm trying to yell more often and so suddenly without much cause.  Whisper?  Yeah...don't remind me.

Yesterday I woke up kind of hazy.  (Surprising when I have a sinus headache?  No.)  Through the hazy it was a dreamy way to wake up and I found myself having poetic thoughts.  I have to say, I think somewhere in my subconscious the origination of this idea is somewhere linked with this blog post, since it resonated with me so deeply.  Honestly, that post is probably a million times better then mine will be.  Mine is quite weird, actually, but bare with me.  If you don't like it, just go back over to her link and read her post again.  Yeah.  It's that good.

So in my dreamy poetic haziness yesterday morning, I grabbed a pen to write some of it down on my notebook.  Many of my best poems can be born this way.  This one was quite scattered so I've needed to do some organizing from the first segments of that morning.  I don't exactly know what to do with it.  Prose poetry?  Poetry?  I don't know, but I thought I'd record it nonetheless.  Work in progress.



Catching Raindrops, Raining Upward

I'm placed on this space,
bucket in my hands.
Memories gone, purpose unknown,
I begin walking
and the rain begins falling.

The urge bursts inside,
a pitted cherry for a heart,
and I am catching droplets.
Running
I splash into trillions, scattering.
Surrounding impossibility.
The raindrops keep falling
and I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them.

And I am soaked.
Hair damp, clothes
wet, heavy hanging
Rubber legs pull
shoes slosh and slow
down
up

Weight shifts, and my hair hangs high
droplets creeping up my back
up and off my hair's tips above me
My stories climb the back of my throat
as dew collides and
I cry as failures fly
and I find I am coming dry
from the drips but
it hurts
clinging, a painful escape
but I am inadvertently
glad.
Once they are gone, I am
weightless.

All for the drops in my bucket.

They are an anvil
pulling at my arm,
heaviness growing
I drop it to the ground
and they are golden.

Golden droplets rise from within
drop by drop, a translucence yields
to memories:
A hug I gave a child.
A spill I cleaned from the floor.
A smile I gave a stranger.
The cookies I left at her door.
A meal I gave the needy.
A blanket I gave the cold.
A kiss I placed on his cheek.
A friendship to a lonesome old.
An hour I spent to listen.
A dollar I spent to give.
A gift from the heart to another.
A hope for ones will to live.

The drops kept on rising
joy-filled beauty inside
spilling over onto my face
in weightless tears.
And a voice from the light around me stated
"You did the best you could, my child.  Every drop counts."

Loving Me

I had a conversation yesterday that really opened my eyes to the way I look at myself and my life.  I've heard commonly the cliche that (and I'm using quotations very loosely) "If you don't love yourself first, others can't love you and you can't love others." and I knew this was true.  But until yesterday I never really took it in completely.


Here's an example for you (that may sound familiar, because it's not uncommon).  For the sake of ease, let's call this woman Rachel.  Rachel doesn't feel love toward herself.  So she's constantly trying to find love from others outside herself.  She gives to others, trying to be a selfless person, but it never seems like what she does is really appreciated.  She wants to love other people.  She tries to do services for others, but it never makes her happy because it never seems like other people return her services.  It doesn't even seem like what she does is appreciated.  She then tells herself she must just be unlovable.  Rachel goes through life feeling like she can't be loved.  She looks in the mirror and thinks she could be pretty but she can't think that about herself because it would be selfish.  She won't take compliments because there is no way any of the compliments could be true.  People are just saying those things to make her feel better.

Sound familiar?  Maybe Rachel is like someone you know.  Or maybe Rachel is like you.

I really feel bad for Rachel.  I pity her because she is trying so hard!   But she never can REALLY love others and she never can REALLY be loved by others.  She can't.  Because she doesn't love herself.

Yesterday, I was getting ready for the day after this conversation I had, and I looked at myself and thought, It's OK to like myself!  It's OK to LOVE myself!  I CAN think I am beautiful, and I can be proud of the way I look and who I am!  In fact, doing this is BETTER!  Feeling this way about me won't make other people think I'm cocky or mean.  Feeling love for myself doesn't bring others down, but it will lift others up!  It will actually help others to love me!  It will help me to love others!

It felt so freeing to look at myself and think this way.  It feels so good to say "I love me!" and mean it.  Really loving myself, feeling that glow inside for myself, helps me feel that glow inside for others.  It helps me to want to just give to others and love them, no matter what they do in return.  No matter how others feel, I can be happy!  Because I love me!

Getting Clarity of Thought

It's crazy how some inspirations come at the oddest moments where it seem like everything may just be random.  But in truth, it's all part of God's meticulous plan.  I am sitting in a very spiritual meeting when it dawns on me that my book could begin in a different way then I previously had written.  Ding!  Funny.

Next to that, I was thinking about how much praying vocally helps clarify things.  And even more, how much writing things down clarify things even more.  Keeping a journal is not just good advice, it's inspired advice.  It may be hard to begin writing down all the thoughts you have - even things you are ashamed of - but it is freeing and really clarifies things.  I mean, sometimes my thoughts can get all muddled and start going in circles until I sit down and just write it out.  Somehow, writing things down slows down your brain process enough to really give more meaning in the concepts.  And talking helps too.  Something about forming the words into some kind of language, instead of just letting the concepts whirl in your head, can really clarify everything.  Sometimes I am having really deep thoughts and I simply HAVE to call someone and talk about them before I explode.

Maybe I'm just strange that way.  But this makes good, trustworthy, nonjudgmental friends a necessity.  Usually I call my best friend and other times I call my mother.  Lately, I also have the ability to call someone I know strictly on a first name basis to keep anonymity and that really creates a new venue!  But I don't use it as often.  I'm blessed to have a good genuine connection with my best friend and mother, where there is no fear involved in admitting the worst part of myself without any kind of reprehension or repression.  I'm guessing I'm pretty blessed to have that, because the more that I see of the world the more I realize how lonely so many people are because of the people that push them away, or that they have pushed away....

Anyway, this post has too many tangents.  Can you tell I journal?  Haha!  Journalling is all about tangents because it's mainly stream-of-thought type writing.  Really gets those juices flowing so I can really write.

The point I was going to get to about writing things down and praying aloud, though, is this.  Where do you think that extra clarity comes from?  A philosophy teacher of mine would argue that language is everything.  Our words create meaning and we don't have any comprehension of specific concepts until we have the words to describe them.  I think this is in many cases true - as in the studies of the man without a language that was done, it shows this to be accurate (which is completely fascinating!), but I want to think more about the spiritual side of this idea.

Truth with a capital T comes from God.  People way say that truth is epistemic, or created by the knowledge of something.  But I believe in a truth beyond the knowledge of man.  God's knowledge.  Clarity of thought comes from within.  (Wow, this is getting deep!  Let me get to the point already!)  Where do we get God's knowledge to testify within our hearts of the truth of things?  From the Holy Ghost, from the power of the spirit of God.  The Holy Ghost can hear our thoughts and He knows the intents of our hearts, though.  So, why is it that when we write things down or speak them aloud we gain more clarity?

This is where things get a little more grey in the "doctrinal" side of things, and goes more toward my opinion and what I feel spiritually is true, for myself.  I believe that our ancestors, and other angels watching over us, are present when we are writing things down or praying aloud.  They cannot know the thoughts of our hearts.  But they can read our writing and they can hear us speak.

Have you ever felt like there's someone reading over your shoulder as you're writing?  I have.   :)

But they wouldn't be judging you for what you are writing.  They would be helping you feel of their presence and helping you feel that they understand.

Ok, this may seem too weird for some of you to understand or believe, but it's something that I take very seriously.  I know that writing and praying aloud help me find more clarity of thought.  The next time you have muddled thoughts, try writing them down.  Whether the angels are reading it or not, it's been recommended by all kinds of therapists too. :)