The Nature of Depression

Ok, so that last post was a downer.  I warned you.  Sorry.

Want something that will make you smile?  My cat is chasing the letters on my computer screen while I type.  Pretty darn cute, right there. :)  He chases my mouse too.  I made a YouTube video about it. :)

Here are some things that make me smile.

Counting my blessings and the Lord's tender mercies in my life.
Like when my kitten came home after a day and a half being completely gone and I thought I'd never see him again.
Or like a friend who brings me an entire meal plus some when all I asked for was a box of macaroni meat mix stuff that she was getting  rid of.
Or like my family going out for a laugh a couple days after the reunion and how I was able to take off that little bit of work in order to do it.
So when our bank account is low, or when our microwave breaks, our tire goes flat, or our clothes washer starts whining, all I need to do is count my blessings.

Another thing that makes me smile?  Getting a better routine to go by and so I get things done.
"Get things done" means I don't neglect myself, the kids, or my house.  Something in each place gets addressed.
So I started doing just that.  I scheduled a type of exercise for each day of the week: Dancing, biking, yoga, or jogging.  So far so good.  I danced with the kids to Hal Palmer yesterday and today I did yoga.  Sweet.
Other must haves on my schedule: Non electronic game time with the kids (cards, boardgames, strategy and teamwork games, etc.), a focus room for chores (today it was the porch, yesterday was my bedroom, but I ended up focusing more on the basement/toyroom), laundry every other day helps.  Just that kind of organization.
Why does this make me happy?
Because if I don't schedule it, I don't do anything.  I have passed days laying around in my robe doing the bare minimum, which means making sure my kids don't destroy the house or kill each other.
Because I have depression.

Having depression is something I haven't acknowledged as "having depression" for...well, never.  I always want to say I'm in charge of how I feel.  I want to say I choose my feelings.  Because that's what I want to do.  I want to be in charge of my own feelings and be responsible for them.  I don't like blaming my feelings on anything else outside of myself.  But it's just not true.  In spite of everything I try, sometimes I still just feel like crying and have to fake a smile.  That's just how it is.  And I can't often explain it or find any reason for it.  It just is.

I didn't realize this until I was discussing introvert/extrovert tendencies with my family.  They talked about how extroverts feed off the energy of other people and so they get lonely easy and have to go be with people.  Introverts feed off their alone time.  It doesn't mean they don't want to be around people, but they can get overwhelmed because they have to be alone for a while to fill up their buckets, so-to-speak.  During the discussion, I found myself asking the question: But what if you feel alone when you are with a group of people?

No one really answered at first and then my brother told me that was the nature of his depression and why he's sort of become a hermit because he can't handle that kind of loneliness.  At least when he's alone he can explain why he's lonely.  I found that very sad.  But I could understand him completely.

And that was my first step in acknowledging my depression.  I like to take St Johns Wart for it.  I took it when I had the baby blues after my last pregnancy, and when I had my miscarriage it helped too.  So I've started that up again and I will look into using essential oils for it as well.  I'm sort of inching away from medicine (I know there is a place for it, so don't judge me.).

But as I've given myself a schedule and started to try to practice positive thinking, counting my blessings, and finding things to be grateful for every day, I feel like the fog is lifting again.  In a way, I am in control.  I just have to catch myself when I feel like something is bogging me down, before I'm left feeling like the tears are about to spill, or I escape to some form of media distraction to keep my mind off life altogether.

I hate that in the past this is what I've done.  Movies, tv, and for a while internet was my go-to escape route.  But because I did that I missed out on my life.  I missed out on the more important things, like my kids and my days.  Because they are mine.  No one else's.  When I lose myself in media, I'm trying to live in someone elses life and it's a tragic way to live.  It's not living at all.

So this is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to do my best to live, acknowledge the issues at hand but pull myself out of the negative thinking fast.  Today I started to tell myself "It's going to be ok.  Everything is going to be fine.  It will be fine."  I had to say it a few times out loud before I believed it and my breathing got easier.  And then it felt like the sun came out on my troubles.  I still don't know if my troubles are fixed or solved and I know my troubles are far from over, but it feels much better realizing the world will not end because of them.

Escaping My Nevers

Things get so busy during the summer I haven't posted as much, but I had some deep thought lately I thought would be post worthy.

As you may have gathered already, I am prone to self-evaluation and examination on a regular basis.  Sometimes this gets to the point of obsession and some people would probably see it as a bit exhausting.  But it's what I do because it's who I am.  I've seen it in personality types, actually.  So I was once again thinking about the way I think.  Which sounds incredibly dull but it's not, it's pretty deep.

I realized in recent months that I am a dreamer in more then just the sense of the words.  Usually when one says "I am a dreamer." People take it as a positive thing, like someone who has a great imagination or someone who thinks big things and does them.  But I haven't been that kind of dreamer.  I am trying to become that kind of dreamer because I see that kind of dreamer as much more healthy then the way I have been for the majority of my life.  I don't dream about what ifs.  I don't dream about somedays.  I found that throughout my life I've dreamed about alter-realities that I think of as nevers.  Because I have accepted within myself these dreams are nevers, I sort of contented myself with a lesser reality and escaped my reality by dreaming.

I recently read a phrase posted on Facebook that said: Your imagination should be used not to escape reality, but to create it.
True dat.

I looked back on my life as a hopeless dreamer and realized something rather tragic.  Because I dreamed in this way, I gave up on reality ever being at all dreamy.  I gave up the hope of a realistic romance or an amazing life.  I told myself things like that only happened on television or only happened to other people.  So of course they never happened to me.  This mindset made me settle so hard in real life and then I would live in my dreams because that was where I felt happy.  But it wasn't real, and I wasn't really happy.  So my depression grew with my disappointment with the gap between real life and my dreams.  But whoever told me my dreams weren't realistic?  Why didn't I think I was good enough for the dream-boat dark and tall to sweep me off my feet?  I think I saw opportunities sometimes and let them pass by because those things don't happen to me.  This mindset really messed up my dating life back in the day.

Over the last year or so I have been focusing on the real more.  I've escaped the dreaming for a while and it's like my head has been lifted out of the deep water.  I took a stroll down the street this summer and it felt like I was seeing my neighborhood clearly for the first time.  I'd walked down that street multiple times in past years but I always did it in a fog of dreams.  I also wasn't taking advantage of my children realistically either.  Instead of seeing the blessings right before my eyes I was dreaming about the blessings I felt I never realistically could have.

Then I opened my eyes to the reality of my blessings.  I am married to a great guy who not only helps cook and clean when he gets home, but he's incredibly responsible and a hard-worker and he cares deeply about me and our children even if he can't express it sometimes in the way I wish he would.  Men are being shaped into emotional cripples...it's an epidemic that must be stopped.  I could write a whole other post on that, but I'll stop there.  I love my husband.  When I get my head out of the clouds of alter-reality and nevers, I find the nows and the this-is-happenings and realize what I have been SO taking for granted like an idiot.

I am also the mother of some great little boys.  I thought I was investing everything into my children as a good mother should.  I feel guilty all the time as most mothers would because every single day something is not done that should be.  But I've got to learn that the list of to-dos and to-dones will always be lop-sided and priorities must be variable and what I didn't get done today can always be done tomorrow.  And life doesn't end because of my not-done-yet list.  What is most important is that I watch my kids in the now.  I see them today because of course everyone knows the cliche, tomorrow comes too soon.  But the first step is opening my eyes and stop dreaming about nevers because with my kids the possibilities are endless and I know of one never to embrace: I NEVER want my kids to think of their dreams as nevers!

This world I live in is a beautiful place with lots of good.  I'm going to start seeing it for how it truly is, because dreams are founded upon realities.  People really do great things.  Great things really do happen to good people.  Instead of losing myself in my dreams I can work for my dreams to be realities.  I'm going to create and stop escaping.  Because honestly what's real is too good to try to escape.

The Greatest Gift to My Family Is to Be Present

Recently I realized something about the way my mind works.  It's been this way for as long as I remember and maybe I sound like a crazy person.  Putting it into words is difficult because it is so hard to explain, and so it makes me feel kind of insane, but I'll do the best I can to describe it.

I live in a dreamland.  My mind is constantly dreaming.  It is not necessarily what-ifs, but what-won't-bes and fantasies that are completely fictional in nature.  But then there are even times when I am in a moment but I am dreaming about how it would be to be in the moment.  I'm not really embracing the fact that I am in actuality IN that moment.

The other day I was thinking to myself "This is happening to me right now." and repeating it in my mind.  "This is actually happening right now."  I remembered something my sister had told me and focused on my senses.  It brought everything in that real moment to life and I was finally about to embrace it completely!  It felt SO GOOD!

I've been told before about how we live in different mind-sets.  There's the "logical mind", the "emotional mind", and the "wise mind'.  The "logical mind" is when you are thinking about something technical, like when you're doing your budget or something.  The "emotional mind" is when you are completely taken by emotion, like when riding a roller coaster or sky diving.  Your entire mind is focused on emotion.  The "wise mind" is when you are using BOTH.  It was hard for me to think of an example of this at first but when I did, I realized...when you are in the "wise mind" you are present.

My first example is easy for a musician to understand.  I play the piano and I feel a release of tension and a solace whenever I do that.  If I let go to make music it's being in my "wise mind" because I am logically thinking about the technical aspect of making music, but then I am letting my emotions also overtake my mind at the same time.  I am in the moment, completely focused on the present.

My sister gave another example of times when she is doing something routine or normal with her family and she seems to step outside of herself and look at her and her family.  She thinks "Look at where we are right now.  Look at the the stage my children are in right now.  This is where we are."  She savors the moment and feels immense gratitude for it.  Feeling gratitude is a wonderful way to be present.

Another sister told me a little trick on how to be in the "wise mind", which was to focus on the senses in any given moment.  Think about how my skin feels, how the air feels, what I can hear and see, what I can smell in the air and how my mouth tastes.  Touching the surface of something and focusing on the roughness or the smoothness of the object.  It enhances the present when you do this.

It helps to put down your cell phone too. ;)

Feeling My Imperfections

I read D&C 50:40-42 lately and rewrote it to personalize it to myself.

"I am a little child and I can't bear all things now; I must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth...Fear not, little child, for I am His and He has overcome the world...and none of us, that the Father hath given to Christ, shall be lost."

I can find strength in this scripture because when I am discouraged I must remember NOT to try to bear everything all at once.  I must give myself the time and patience I deserve to grow.


I keep having to learn the same lessons over and over again and I get tired.
I'm tired!

I want to be able to live joyfully from day to day, doing my mediocre tasks happily and spending worthwhile time with my children.  Far too often my kids seem to be wasting away their time while I am elsewhere wasting away mine.  I want to be the kind of mom that cherishes every moment and takes advantage of it because I know it passes far too quickly.  But I'm tired.  Moments pass and I don't cherish them.  I don't hold my kids close enough.  I can't hold them close enough to stop time.  I can't, and they wouldn't appreciate it if I tried.

I want to be a different kind of mom.  But I'm only me.  And so I must look to God to build up the best of "me" there is and add to it.  Otherwise I truly feel I will fail.  So, Lord, help me.

ReEvaluating My One Little Word

Ok so...I got carried away with the whole Service thing.

I've been thinking about it, and I don't think it was a good choice for my One Little Word this year.  Hey, it's a great idea - and it probably would work for someone else.  But, you see...I sort of have an issue with being prone to...codependency.  Ya know, trying to serve others to the point that I'm not living my own life at all?  Yeah...not really the best idea for me.

During this last General Conference, Stanley G. Ellis, from the seventy I believe, spoke about The Lord's Way.  It was a great talk to listen to, and actually struck a chord with me about what I wrote in my last post.  But reading it now it has even more in it then listening to it.  I really liked the part where he talks about how we must govern ourselves.  "The irony is that even now we have faithful Church members everywhere who would go anywhere the prophet asked them to go.  Do we really expect President Monson to individually tell more then 14 million of us where our family is needed?  The Lord's way is that we hearken to our leaders' teachings, understand correct principles, and govern ourselves."  Awesome. :)

Anyway, there are so many links to scriptures about the Lord's guidance in how we should live our lives.  But the part that pertains to my One Little Word: Service, was the part where he referenced the Lord's way to help.

First scripture referenced was Mosiah 4:21-27, which is all about imparting our substance and stuff...but the part that struck me most was the last verse: "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." (emphasis added)

I'd read this scripture before, and people make reference to it at church all the time, but I hadn't ever read it directly after reading about imparting of your substance.  I'd never put the two together.  But that's the way it is!  I shouldn't leave my kids every day to help someone else get their home in order.  I can't let my own world fall apart while building up someone elses world.

I lost myself in service for a while.

That's all well and good, but I need to get my priorities in order again and start putting other things first - including myself!

I read Alma 7:23 "I would that ye should be humble, be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."

Of all the things in this scripture, I could point to one I could work on most right now.  So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm swapping my One Little Word to:

Diligence

So, I think this is better for me.  The dictionary says diligence is a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body and mind - a degree of care and caution required by circumstances.

I'd never though about how being diligent to the Lord's commandments would also mean to be cautious and careful as well as being constant and persistent.  This is a good thing for me.

So, what can I do to start working on being more diligent?

*Praying Always: I need to remember to fall on my knees out of bed first thing in the morning.  Then pray throughout the day for the guidance in my efforts to serve others while keeping priorities straight.

*Study Scripture and Conference Talks:  I can read a scripture every morning with my little scriptures app.  Then listen to conference talks.  Read scriptures nightly to my kids, and since these are things I'm already trying to do, let's add one more.  See if I can fit one more session of study somewhere in the day where I actually sit and read for me.

*Being diligent in the commandments: honesty, tithing, church callings, etc.  Really dedicate myself to it!

*Lastly, my parenting and homemaking.  More dedication!  Do it more.

I'm Stubborn...What Are the Desires of My Heart?

I was struggling with received criticism lately.  I kept thinking to myself that I hadn't really done anything wrong and the person who had approached me may have been the only one offended and it was her fault.  There is no reason for me to explain why that wasn't sitting well on my conscience and I kept dwelling on it.  That stubborn streak within me has come out a few times lately, actually.

I went to the temple shortly after receiving this criticism.  Which was, actually, really good timing for me, even though it wasn't my own plan and others just happened to push me in that direction.  As I sit in the chapel area waiting for sessions to begin, I've created the habit to read in the scriptures they usually have available.  So I did this.  I knew I wasn't feeling close to the spirit at the moment and needed to make things feel right again somehow.  At times like that, I like to open the book up randomly and let it just speak to me.  So that's what I did.

The word "peace" jumped off the page at me, but I was being stubborn, like I said, so I thought...hm...how about the other page.  I'll begin reading over there.  (Kind of dumb, huh...but *sighs* that's me.)  So I read the next page all the way to the bottom, then went back to the first page and read from the top.  I still hadn't really gotten anything that spoke to my soul until I once again came to the verse containing the word "peace" in it.  I finally conceded.

It was D&C 105:38-41 (I had read section 106 first...)
This is an indirect quote:
Sue for peace, not only to those who've smitten [me] but to all.  Proclaim peace! Propose peace...according to the voice of the spirit and all things shall work together for my good.  Therefore, be faithful and behold and lo, I am with you even unto the end.

I had been wanting to lash out to protect myself in a some sort of fight of flight knee-jerk reaction.  Now in reading this, I decided I needed to just let it go, and so I could return to a good state of mind and acceptance to the person who'd hurt me.  Immediately when I did this, it opened my eyes to the truthfulness in the criticism I'd received!  Now I can take it for what it's worth, learn from it, and move forward productively.

Later, I was studying Alma 7:23
"I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive"

It struck me that these godlike traits and qualities: humility, patience, gentleness are CHOICES first.  I think perhaps all godlike qualities begin that way. Because we are not godly, of course, because naturally we are manlike and the natural man is far from being godlike.  So, if we want to develop qualities like that, we have to begin with the choice to be that way.  It isn't easy because it isn't natural.  It takes practice to develop these things into habit and then hopefully it can become a talent.

Last week, I was being truly harrowed up by things going on in the world right now.

I love people.  I just do.  It's maybe a godlike quality I was blessed with as a talent that just came with me.  I've been blessed and burdened with charity for others, and having that is something I value very much, but sometimes I've found it can handicap my judgement about some things.  I've been hurt, and sometimes I've been very wrong.

Facebook exploded with things about marriage equality lately.  It had been something I'd been contemplating about for over a year.  I struggle with it because my church does not support marriage equality.  I understand why the church doesn't.  I believe in what my church believes in.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, and is a beautiful and sacred thing in the eyes of God.  However, I love my friends and family members who want to be loved and have relationships and cannot do so without leaving the church behind.  It's been a struggle for me from the very beginning.

I know from personal experience that these people are good and God loves them because there would be no way He possibly would not.  I believe they have a place and it's beyond my mortal understanding.  But I know God has a place for them.

I believe in letting others find their place by whatever means they choose.  I am not in charge of other people.  God is.  He knows each person individually and He knows them and can take care of them and guide them to where they need to be.  But it's not up to me.  I also don't believe it's up to any politicians or government officials to decide.  This is why I decided to support marriage equality.

That exploded.

Of course I have many friends who did not see things the same way.  I have friends who did, yes.  But everyone's views are tainted by something and I just felt like I was floating in a bunch of biased articles and information as I continued to research the church's viewpoint as well as what other people said.  Even LDS people.

The more I stuck to what I said, the more horrible I began to feel, the more reading I did...and the further I felt I was pushing something good away.  I hated it.  I didn't want to go back on what I believed in.  I didn't want to betray other beliefs.  I was so conflicted.  Then I had a REALLY BAD day where everything felt upside down and just plane wrong.

I had a visit from a friend that day.  She is not LDS, but she is very devout and believes in true principles.  I expected her to take a side and give me a lecture the same way my Facebook friends had done.  The same way I had been doing to my Facebook friends.  Sadly.

But she didn't.  She stood there listening to me talk about my inner conflict and frustrations and responded with simply saying: It's not between you and your friends or even between you and your church.  It's between you and God, and it looks to me like you need to do some real praying to set things right between you and God.  No one else can tell you that.

I had been afraid to pray.  Actually, sort of avoiding it.  I would say my prayers, and once in a while feel that little push to pray about this subject, but I always would push it away.  Because I was scared of the answers I would receive.  I was afraid that God would tell me I was wrong.  I felt like I had to be right.  My loved ones deserve happiness the same as anyone.

I decided the entire Facebook discussion was driving the spirit away from me.  So I backed down and ended all discussions on the topic on Facebook.  I was not helping anyone by sharing my stubborn spirit with other people.  In fact, I was probably feeding the adversary's plan.  It makes me want to cry to even admit that.

But the truth is, I am right to an extent.  My homosexual friends and family members are indeed children of God and God loves them.  They deserve all happiness.  They deserve to be embraced and loved and fulfilled in life.  But having marriage with someone of the same sex, as much as it may seem to be the answer, will not in fact bring them the happiness they crave.  I wish it were that simple.  I wish they could just find a spouse and get married and live happily ever after.

But that is a fairy tale that doesn't exist.  Even for a straight person!  Marriage was not the happily ever after fairy tale ending for me, and I don't know anyone who would say they had one either when they were married.  It wouldn't be that way for a homosexual either.

I then read this article which helped me see the issue a little clearer from a non-religious perspective.

The entire thing breaks my heart.  Because I truly love these people and I know they are good.  I understand where they are coming from and why they are fighting so hard for the things they want in their lives.  But I honestly feel now that what they are fighting for so hard, while they believe it will bring them happiness, will in fact bring sadness...even at a catastrophic level.

I was being stubborn.  I didn't yield to the spirit.  Now that I have, it feels a lot better.  I'm more at home in my heart.  I will continue to support and love homosexuals.  Because they deserve finding every happiness in their lives.  But sometimes God's plan for that happiness is different then ours.  Sometimes following His will is harder then we can even imagine, because it goes against what we think is the best way.  But He sees all.  HE knows all.  All we have to do is trust in that and stop being stubborn.  Choose humility.  Choose gentleness.  Choose to be patient.  Sue for peace.

Good Intentions

It's been a rocky first month for me this year.  I keep trying and feeling like I'm not doing as much as I want to.  But I've been feeling sick off and on every since Christmas.  That or one of my kids (or more then one) is sick.  I feel like over the last couple days, being incredibly sick again, I've sort of given up.  I'm throwing in the towel.

At least until I feel like I can get my life back from these germs.

Sometimes I wish I could find a friend who's my twin who wouldn't make me feel guilty if they came over and cleaned my house for me or watched my kids for me.  I'd do it for her, ya know.

I've got such a short fuse when I'm sick.  Probably a good thing that I'm so hoarse that I sound like a bird when I try to yell.  Since I'm trying to yell more often and so suddenly without much cause.  Whisper?  Yeah...don't remind me.

Yesterday I woke up kind of hazy.  (Surprising when I have a sinus headache?  No.)  Through the hazy it was a dreamy way to wake up and I found myself having poetic thoughts.  I have to say, I think somewhere in my subconscious the origination of this idea is somewhere linked with this blog post, since it resonated with me so deeply.  Honestly, that post is probably a million times better then mine will be.  Mine is quite weird, actually, but bare with me.  If you don't like it, just go back over to her link and read her post again.  Yeah.  It's that good.

So in my dreamy poetic haziness yesterday morning, I grabbed a pen to write some of it down on my notebook.  Many of my best poems can be born this way.  This one was quite scattered so I've needed to do some organizing from the first segments of that morning.  I don't exactly know what to do with it.  Prose poetry?  Poetry?  I don't know, but I thought I'd record it nonetheless.  Work in progress.



Catching Raindrops, Raining Upward

I'm placed on this space,
bucket in my hands.
Memories gone, purpose unknown,
I begin walking
and the rain begins falling.

The urge bursts inside,
a pitted cherry for a heart,
and I am catching droplets.
Running
I splash into trillions, scattering.
Surrounding impossibility.
The raindrops keep falling
and I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them.

And I am soaked.
Hair damp, clothes
wet, heavy hanging
Rubber legs pull
shoes slosh and slow
down
up

Weight shifts, and my hair hangs high
droplets creeping up my back
up and off my hair's tips above me
My stories climb the back of my throat
as dew collides and
I cry as failures fly
and I find I am coming dry
from the drips but
it hurts
clinging, a painful escape
but I am inadvertently
glad.
Once they are gone, I am
weightless.

All for the drops in my bucket.

They are an anvil
pulling at my arm,
heaviness growing
I drop it to the ground
and they are golden.

Golden droplets rise from within
drop by drop, a translucence yields
to memories:
A hug I gave a child.
A spill I cleaned from the floor.
A smile I gave a stranger.
The cookies I left at her door.
A meal I gave the needy.
A blanket I gave the cold.
A kiss I placed on his cheek.
A friendship to a lonesome old.
An hour I spent to listen.
A dollar I spent to give.
A gift from the heart to another.
A hope for ones will to live.

The drops kept on rising
joy-filled beauty inside
spilling over onto my face
in weightless tears.
And a voice from the light around me stated
"You did the best you could, my child.  Every drop counts."

One Little Word

So I've been thinking a lot about the new year.  Of course, my priorities are getting fixed after the semester of crazy and I'm going to try to focus on the more important things this year.  My family is at the top.  I'm going to try to live it up with Jameson around as much as possible because he'll be starting kindergarten in the fall and then...well...he'll grow up even faster!  So I'm going to treasure the moments right now.

That being said, if I wrote down EVERYTHING in a list of New Year's Resolutions, I would get overwhelmed quickly.  So besides getting my priorities straight, I thought I would do this one little word thing.

I stole this idea from my cousin.

She got it here.

So what's my one little word?

WHISPER

 I've been working on getting my sub-teaching certification for my new job and it is talking a lot about positive reinforcement and such.  This stuff works on your own kids, it says.  Of course it does, if I can keep myself under control in my own home.  People say kids behave the worst for their parents.  Well, you know what the reason for that is, I think?  The parents have to deal with these kids all the time and their patience gets warn out so they reinforce bad behavior by acknowledging the bad more then the good, and frankly acting just as bad themselves!

I am feeling more and more like a little kid throwing a tantrum lately whenever I let my temper get the better of me or I lose patience.  So I'm going to practice taking a deep breath and talking even QUIETER whenever I feel like yelling.

This goal began yesterday morning.

I yelled yesterday.

Let's hope I do better today.  But, really, my goal is for the whole year!  I'm posting this here to remind me that by next New Years, I should be doing pretty well with this word.

WHISPER

And then I can choose a new word.  If I've failed by next New Years, well, I'll have to keep it.  So let's hope I get past it and can move on to something else by then.  Or next year, my post might be kinda boring. :)


ALSO!  Another way this word can be applied is by thinking about spiritual things too.  If I'm quieter, what will I be able to hear more of that I couldn't pay attention to before?

Happy New Year everyone!

Getting Past That Wall

Sometimes when trying to receive inspiration or revelation, whatever you'd like to call it, you might hit a wall. And it's invisible. You don't even know there's a wall there, so you continue to smack into it over and over again until you finally think, "Oh!" and decide walking AROUND might better. Yeah.

This is what I've done lately.

I'm returning to school this fall and have been stressing (morbidly) over daycare arrangements. My two oldest weren't a problem. I was just trying so hard to keep my baby at the campus daycare which could only watch him half the time I needed.

What soon ensued? Hair-raising, scream-inducing, tear-overflowing, maddening stress. Should I also bother mentioning that little thing called postpartum depression that I've been trying to avoid?

I tried finding people I trust who might be on campus at that time. I tried going through the ward, going through friends, and I was about to go through the single's wards down on campus to see if there was someone there (who I didn't know). I had nightmares about baby snatchers.

Finally...I noticed the wall I've been insanely bumping into, causing headaches (which turned out to be self-induced).

Let me tell you a story.

My mom bought a new house when I was a pre-teen. The only thing she didn't like so much was that there was this wall separating the kitchen from the front room. Those two places need to be more unified these days because people eat so much in this world. And because of this, there's always someone stuck in the kitchen to prepare food (usually mom) and why shouldn't this person be involved in the conversations going on too?

Also, this wall used to have a stove attached that had a chimney. It had been removed, leaving an ugly scar on the wall that needed patching. My mom worked and worked for hours and hours on that patch on the wall trying to make it look better. Hours. Days.

Finally she realized - hey! I don't want this wall here anyway! And they tore it out.

Sometimes we get so focused and stubborn about one thing, we go to great lengths to keep it there. It can cause all kinds of complications and make our life so hard. But until we realize it's all for that one little thing and it's ok to let that little thing go, we're stuck behind that wall.

My wall? Not being willing to use a dang bottle for a couple hours.

The thought hadn't even seriously occurred to me. I've never used a bottle. Nothing against those who do, I just never had the need to do so or wanted to for that matter. But would it hurt for me to pump a few hours on only two days a week? No. So now it's all been settled and he can be taken care of. That's what is most important.

So when you're in some kind of stressful predicament, take a step back. You may just be beating against a wall that doesn't need to be there at all.

Where Is My Heart?

Lately I started receiving Us Weekly. (No, I am not linking that!) Stupid that I am, I signed up for it somehow online in a free offer thing for some other motive and I can't even remember what it was. Then a month or so after I'd been getting it a while, we get this high charge on our account from Us... dumb magazine people. I called about it to cancel but all I got was an automated answering service. It asked if I wanted to sign up for more issues for "only" $5 an issue and they would reimburse the gargantuan charge on my account if I did this. I said no to that. Then they asked if I wanted to cancel and I said yes. This leaves me with receiving the issues up until what I've already paid for with that humongo charge they put onto my account, and no reimbursement. I tried the bank blocking route but they wouldn't do it without a fraudulent claim and since I in fact did business with these people there is no way to get my money back.

What I should have done is said yes to the reimbursement and then canceled any further issues. The $5 an issue thing wasn't going to be a contract! Well....I guess maybe they could have made it that way. Stupid automated system.

Ok. If my four-year-old was reading he'd tell me to watch my language. "Stupid is a bad word!"

Anyway, the point of this post, which I am finally getting to (so much for short and sweet, right?) is that today I was given a nice little wake-up call about where my heart truly is. Although I really don't value what it says in Us Weekly, whenever I get it, I am somehow dragged into reading, or at least looking at, every page! I don't really want to receive the thing anymore because all it does is fill my head with a bunch of worthless worldly junk! But nonetheless, I receive a magazine and am plunged back into the curiosity about who wore what, who looks best, who's dating who...blah blah blah. Like it's any of my business in the first place!

Today I received an issues of Us Weekly. But it was also accompanied by another magazine by the name of the Ensign. The Ensign I get also comes with the Friend, which is meant for my kids but I usually read it myself. :) These issues I always look forward to receiving in the mail every month. They testify of eternal things. They make me think with the right perspective and encourage my everyday living to be more Christlike.

So today I have my mail and am looking at the cover of Us Weekly when I realize I'm holding the Ensign in the other hand without even really acknowledging its presence there. It hit me. Which magazine is really better for me to read? Which one will make me feel happier after I'm done reading it?

Which one will I open up first?

Where is my heart really? Am I truly more drawn to and excited about Us Weekly? The magazine I was scammed into receiving and don't really care about in the first place? Or is this some kind of powerful temptation working on me to get my priorities mixed up? Well.

That was my wake-up call. And I hope I don't forget it.