It's been quite the journey for me since I started this blog. I look back and can remind myself of things I've learned. Because then I have to again...relearn, and relearn again. I guess that's where the "Repeat" comes in on the title of this blog. I'm not perfect. Far from it.
It's the reason I need all of this stuff. Because I am not perfect, I have to rely on the Lord so much. I have to really put in the effort every single day, to put Him first and to rely on his guidance. If I don't my day goes to mush.
I'm the type of person who talks about everything I'm going through. I talk it out and it sorts out my thoughts and feelings. But lately it feels like I can't do that as much. Lately, I have been realizing some things I can't just tell people. Some people shouldn't be told things. I'm not usually one to hold it in. I don't like keeping my own secrets. Other people's business is their own and it's not mine to tell, but my own secrets are another matter to me. I'd rather just lay it all out there and be completely honest and open with everyone I meet and if they don't like it, it hurts, but I'd rather they knew me. I'd rather know what they really think of me.
But lately I can't do that. It's not mine to tell, as much, I guess. That's the problem. But I'm so connected with it I want to talk about things. I want to blurt my pains and feelings out to the world and sort things out. I need a friend to talk to. I want to just cry, but I don't want to cry alone.
The only one I can really put my trust in is the Lord. My savior is the only one. The scriptures say I shouldn't rely on the arm of the flesh, and this includes friends, my spouse, my family even;...the world has it wrong.
It seems like every time everything is going wonderfully something has to happen to make it crash down. Balance in trials and blessings I guess.
The point is, I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I have to take care of my own spiritual place. I have to keep praying and studying the scriptures to get through this.
Showing posts with label enduring trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label enduring trials. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Good Intentions
It's been a rocky first month for me this year. I keep trying and feeling like I'm not doing as much as I want to. But I've been feeling sick off and on every since Christmas. That or one of my kids (or more then one) is sick. I feel like over the last couple days, being incredibly sick again, I've sort of given up. I'm throwing in the towel.
At least until I feel like I can get my life back from these germs.
Sometimes I wish I could find a friend who's my twin who wouldn't make me feel guilty if they came over and cleaned my house for me or watched my kids for me. I'd do it for her, ya know.
I've got such a short fuse when I'm sick. Probably a good thing that I'm so hoarse that I sound like a bird when I try to yell. Since I'm trying to yell more often and so suddenly without much cause. Whisper? Yeah...don't remind me.
Yesterday I woke up kind of hazy. (Surprising when I have a sinus headache? No.) Through the hazy it was a dreamy way to wake up and I found myself having poetic thoughts. I have to say, I think somewhere in my subconscious the origination of this idea is somewhere linked with this blog post, since it resonated with me so deeply. Honestly, that post is probably a million times better then mine will be. Mine is quite weird, actually, but bare with me. If you don't like it, just go back over to her link and read her post again. Yeah. It's that good.
So in my dreamy poetic haziness yesterday morning, I grabbed a pen to write some of it down on my notebook. Many of my best poems can be born this way. This one was quite scattered so I've needed to do some organizing from the first segments of that morning. I don't exactly know what to do with it. Prose poetry? Poetry? I don't know, but I thought I'd record it nonetheless. Work in progress.
Catching Raindrops, Raining Upward
I'm placed on this space,
bucket in my hands.
Memories gone, purpose unknown,
I begin walking
and the rain begins falling.
The urge bursts inside,
a pitted cherry for a heart,
and I am catching droplets.
Running
I splash into trillions, scattering.
Surrounding impossibility.
The raindrops keep falling
and I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them.
And I am soaked.
Hair damp, clothes
wet, heavy hanging
Rubber legs pull
shoes slosh and slow
down
up
Weight shifts, and my hair hangs high
droplets creeping up my back
up and off my hair's tips above me
My stories climb the back of my throat
as dew collides and
I cry as failures fly
and I find I am coming dry
from the drips but
it hurts
clinging, a painful escape
but I am inadvertently
glad.
Once they are gone, I am
weightless.
All for the drops in my bucket.
They are an anvil
pulling at my arm,
heaviness growing
I drop it to the ground
and they are golden.
Golden droplets rise from within
drop by drop, a translucence yields
to memories:
A hug I gave a child.
A spill I cleaned from the floor.
A smile I gave a stranger.
The cookies I left at her door.
A meal I gave the needy.
A blanket I gave the cold.
A kiss I placed on his cheek.
A friendship to a lonesome old.
An hour I spent to listen.
A dollar I spent to give.
A gift from the heart to another.
A hope for ones will to live.
The drops kept on rising
joy-filled beauty inside
spilling over onto my face
in weightless tears.
And a voice from the light around me stated
"You did the best you could, my child. Every drop counts."
At least until I feel like I can get my life back from these germs.
Sometimes I wish I could find a friend who's my twin who wouldn't make me feel guilty if they came over and cleaned my house for me or watched my kids for me. I'd do it for her, ya know.
I've got such a short fuse when I'm sick. Probably a good thing that I'm so hoarse that I sound like a bird when I try to yell. Since I'm trying to yell more often and so suddenly without much cause. Whisper? Yeah...don't remind me.
Yesterday I woke up kind of hazy. (Surprising when I have a sinus headache? No.) Through the hazy it was a dreamy way to wake up and I found myself having poetic thoughts. I have to say, I think somewhere in my subconscious the origination of this idea is somewhere linked with this blog post, since it resonated with me so deeply. Honestly, that post is probably a million times better then mine will be. Mine is quite weird, actually, but bare with me. If you don't like it, just go back over to her link and read her post again. Yeah. It's that good.
So in my dreamy poetic haziness yesterday morning, I grabbed a pen to write some of it down on my notebook. Many of my best poems can be born this way. This one was quite scattered so I've needed to do some organizing from the first segments of that morning. I don't exactly know what to do with it. Prose poetry? Poetry? I don't know, but I thought I'd record it nonetheless. Work in progress.
Catching Raindrops, Raining Upward
I'm placed on this space,
bucket in my hands.
Memories gone, purpose unknown,
I begin walking
and the rain begins falling.
The urge bursts inside,
a pitted cherry for a heart,
and I am catching droplets.
Running
I splash into trillions, scattering.
Surrounding impossibility.
The raindrops keep falling
and I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them.
And I am soaked.
Hair damp, clothes
wet, heavy hanging
Rubber legs pull
shoes slosh and slow
down
up
Weight shifts, and my hair hangs high
droplets creeping up my back
up and off my hair's tips above me
My stories climb the back of my throat
as dew collides and
I cry as failures fly
and I find I am coming dry
from the drips but
it hurts
clinging, a painful escape
but I am inadvertently
glad.
Once they are gone, I am
weightless.
All for the drops in my bucket.
They are an anvil
pulling at my arm,
heaviness growing
I drop it to the ground
and they are golden.
Golden droplets rise from within
drop by drop, a translucence yields
to memories:
A hug I gave a child.
A spill I cleaned from the floor.
A smile I gave a stranger.
The cookies I left at her door.
A meal I gave the needy.
A blanket I gave the cold.
A kiss I placed on his cheek.
A friendship to a lonesome old.
An hour I spent to listen.
A dollar I spent to give.
A gift from the heart to another.
A hope for ones will to live.
The drops kept on rising
joy-filled beauty inside
spilling over onto my face
in weightless tears.
And a voice from the light around me stated
"You did the best you could, my child. Every drop counts."
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Stuck in Traffic
Have you ever been stuck at a stand-still on the freeway?
How did you react?
Were you alone and booming the radio, muscles tense for action when nothing is happening? Did you have a car full of sweaty impatient people tapping your shoulder telling you to go when you have no way to obey their orders? Did you have a bunch of whiny thirsty kids repeating the sing-song "Are we there yet?" at the top of their lungs?
Well, let me tell you a story.
We took a long trip recently up through Idaho, Oregon, back through Idaho to Montana, and then back to Utah. It was a long trip and we had three small children the entire time. Guess what happened? We got stuck in traffic in the middle of the desert in southwestern Idaho. Nowhere to go. We sat there wondering what to do and then something happened.
People got out of their cars. They were conversing around us, having a good ol' time, being friendly and making the best of the situation. One of them was a trucker and probably found out through his radio what the hold-up was. The man from the car in front of us came to our window and told us there had been a chemical spill up ahead and the wait would probably be a couple of hours.
What would you do?
He informed us that he knew a back road off the last exit we passed and was going to go back to it and we were welcome to follow him. So we followed him driving along the median against traffic until we could cross over to the opposite side to continue back toward the last exit and then followed him through some small towns to get back to the freeway.
It was so kind of this man. And a positive experience! How often do we have horrible experiences because of traffic? Let me tell you, I can't imagine something like this happening in Utah. Everyone is too bent on where they need to be and how someone else offended them personally because they needed to get into their lane. "How DARE they get right in front of me when I can't go anywhere anyway!"
Come on, people.
Makes me miss the laid back friendly attitude people can have in smaller places. It's why Idaho is that way - most places in Idaho are small. Well, everywhere is small compared to other states. Anyway, it just made me realize how much we freak out about little things. When these little things can actually turn into something fun if we just have a good attitude about them. Try it.
I also was thinking about how this could be a metaphor for all life. Sometimes we want to get somewhere, and get there fast. Sometimes we hit something that gets in our way and then we have a choice. We can just sit there and whine, we can throw a fit, we can stress every muscle in our bodies until we're sore, or we can take a deep breath and look around for something worthwhile. Some things are just beyond our control. Like being stuck in traffic. And when something is beyond your control, there is nothing you can do about it, and pouting never helps anyone. So using these people from my experience as an example: what did they find to do that was worthwhile? They looked around and saw there were other people on the road who were also stuck. Instead of glaring and trying to inch ahead of the next guy (with no real meaning to it anyway) they got out of their cars and took a moment to get to know each other, make friends, and uplift. The man in front of my car even took the time to help us.
So when I'm "stuck in traffic" in my life, instead of getting depressed and self-involved, maybe I should look around at the other people around me and find out that there are opportunities everywhere to help other people. And maybe if I step out of my own world for a moment I will realize how insignificant my problems really are. Maybe I'll step out of my "vehicle" to talk to, uplift, or help another person, and turn around and see that it's just that. A vehicle. Stuck in traffic. For a moment. And that moment is my opportunity. I should take advantage of it.
How did you react?
Were you alone and booming the radio, muscles tense for action when nothing is happening? Did you have a car full of sweaty impatient people tapping your shoulder telling you to go when you have no way to obey their orders? Did you have a bunch of whiny thirsty kids repeating the sing-song "Are we there yet?" at the top of their lungs?
Well, let me tell you a story.
We took a long trip recently up through Idaho, Oregon, back through Idaho to Montana, and then back to Utah. It was a long trip and we had three small children the entire time. Guess what happened? We got stuck in traffic in the middle of the desert in southwestern Idaho. Nowhere to go. We sat there wondering what to do and then something happened.
People got out of their cars. They were conversing around us, having a good ol' time, being friendly and making the best of the situation. One of them was a trucker and probably found out through his radio what the hold-up was. The man from the car in front of us came to our window and told us there had been a chemical spill up ahead and the wait would probably be a couple of hours.
What would you do?
He informed us that he knew a back road off the last exit we passed and was going to go back to it and we were welcome to follow him. So we followed him driving along the median against traffic until we could cross over to the opposite side to continue back toward the last exit and then followed him through some small towns to get back to the freeway.
It was so kind of this man. And a positive experience! How often do we have horrible experiences because of traffic? Let me tell you, I can't imagine something like this happening in Utah. Everyone is too bent on where they need to be and how someone else offended them personally because they needed to get into their lane. "How DARE they get right in front of me when I can't go anywhere anyway!"
Come on, people.
Makes me miss the laid back friendly attitude people can have in smaller places. It's why Idaho is that way - most places in Idaho are small. Well, everywhere is small compared to other states. Anyway, it just made me realize how much we freak out about little things. When these little things can actually turn into something fun if we just have a good attitude about them. Try it.
I also was thinking about how this could be a metaphor for all life. Sometimes we want to get somewhere, and get there fast. Sometimes we hit something that gets in our way and then we have a choice. We can just sit there and whine, we can throw a fit, we can stress every muscle in our bodies until we're sore, or we can take a deep breath and look around for something worthwhile. Some things are just beyond our control. Like being stuck in traffic. And when something is beyond your control, there is nothing you can do about it, and pouting never helps anyone. So using these people from my experience as an example: what did they find to do that was worthwhile? They looked around and saw there were other people on the road who were also stuck. Instead of glaring and trying to inch ahead of the next guy (with no real meaning to it anyway) they got out of their cars and took a moment to get to know each other, make friends, and uplift. The man in front of my car even took the time to help us.
So when I'm "stuck in traffic" in my life, instead of getting depressed and self-involved, maybe I should look around at the other people around me and find out that there are opportunities everywhere to help other people. And maybe if I step out of my own world for a moment I will realize how insignificant my problems really are. Maybe I'll step out of my "vehicle" to talk to, uplift, or help another person, and turn around and see that it's just that. A vehicle. Stuck in traffic. For a moment. And that moment is my opportunity. I should take advantage of it.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
D&C 122:4
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