I Am Already Amazing

 
For Christmas I got a couple books and so today I began reading a book by Holley Gerth called You're Already Amazing.  It's been quite refreshingly inspiring for me to begin reading a book like this.  I should read more books like this.

Anyway, so far the part that really caught my eye today was a section called "Most People Don't".  She gives examples of the kind of self-talk that can be destructive.  When we sit and think about how most people don't do what we are doing...like sitting in front of a computer screen writing for hours on end.  Then it becomes things like "What's the matter with you?  Why can't you be more like most people?"

"Most people don't...wear themselves out in the kitchen because they believe a meal feeds hearts and fills bellies.  Most people don't...throw off their entire schedule because they take time to listen to the stranger in the grocery store who's having a hard day....
...It's true.  Most people don't do what you do, love what you love, feel the kind of passion you feel about that thing.  I started thinking about this recently and I realized we're in pretty good company if we feel like we're not like most people.  After all:
Most people don't build an ark.
Most people don't lead people through the desert to the Promised Land.
Most people don't die on a cross to save the world.
But aren't we glad one person did each of these things?
If most people don't do what you do, and you're passionately pursuing Jesus with your life, then it's probably not just a human plan.  The heartbeat of God is probably somewhere within it.  We need you, just you, to fulfill that purpose, complete that project, bring that gift to the world in a way no one else can.
Most people don't...but you do."

This really struck me.   Because I am constantly giving myself crap about the way I spend my time.  I try to do what I need to do and not just what I want to do because everybody needs priorities.  But my leisure time is always questioned in my mind.  "Is this important enough?"  or "Does any other mother do this in their spare time?"  What spare time?

My sister said something over Thanksgiving that I keep reminding myself too.
"Don't should'a on yourself."
Meaning, don't ever look back with regrets, but instead, think forward.  I'm trying my best to do just that.  Because what I'm doing is good enough.

I don't have to do more to be good enough.  I don't have to do more to be loved.  I am already.  I really am amazing already.

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but ^aChrist ^bliveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the ^cfaith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Who's Birthday Is It Anyway?

 

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be pretty rocky for some people.  It seems like typically the youngest of a family struggles the most with this.  Maybe it's because we are spoiled, or maybe it's because we never want to stop playing or lose the magic of childhood, but something about being the youngest holds us back from embracing the fact that, yes, I'm over twenty years old now.  In fact, I'm reaching thirty soon.  But I guess the number doesn't matter that much because I don't feel that much different (unless I'm jumping on the trampoline or something) and I still want to play and feel the magic of love inside my heart.  Too often adults get caught up in being serious and responsible and forget about having fun and being curious and looking for the wonder in life.

So keeping this in mind, Christmas this year is once again giving me a struggle because I have been wrestling with the magic.  I miss the days when Christmas was all about the childlike excited anticipation of "what's going to happen?" and the belief in things happening that are not ordinary, but special and magical.  Now I get caught up in the idea that I have to make these things happen and I miss out on the magic because I think...I'm not magical.  How am I supposed to create the magic for my family?  And I lose out on that special Christmas feeling that I used to feel all December long as I gazed at the Christmas lights reflecting off the shining ornaments of the Christmas trees, or when I caught snowflakes on my tongue.

But I am starting to remember what the magic really is all about.

I attended a small Christmas party last night where we drank hot cocoa and gathered around their make-shift fire-lit living room with couches and comfy beanbag chairs by the Christmas tree, and listened to stories.  One of the stories was about a little boy living in a backwards town.  I found the story here!  It tells about how on his birthday everyone did what was unexpected and not what was expected.  This little boy spent his entire birthday watching people give each other gifts instead of giving him gifts.  His mother gave his birthday cake to the mailman, and his grandparents came to visit a neighbors house instead of his.  Finally this little boy gets a megaphone and rides around the neighborhood shouting "Who's birthday is it anyway?"

We need to remember who's birthday it is, anyway.

I was truly touched by this story.  When she began reading it, I had no idea how it was going to relate to Christmas, but in the last line it hit me like a dagger to the heart.

I've had all kinds of goals and plans this Christmas.  I wanted to teach my kids to be more selfless by trying to make home-made gifts this year for each other.  It's been a huge challenge, because since my kids are 6 and under really it's me coming up with these home-made gifts for them to help me make for everybody.  It's become overwhelming but I want to see it through.  I want Christmas to be more then just receiving.

Then today I had a telephone conversation with my mother-in-law that prompted me to post this blog post.  She talked about her desire to convey the message about the true meaning of giving gifts at Christmas.  The gift doesn't have to be expensive.  It doesn't have to be stunningly beautiful in a material way.  Giving at Christmas is more then what's wrapped inside the wrapping paper.  It's what you feel inside, and it's what you sacrifice for each other.  My mother-in-law's definition of Christmas is that Christmas is sacrifice.  Because we make sacrifices for each other to remember the greatest sacrifice given to us, that of the Christ.  I'm going to add to this and say Christmas is finding the joy in making sacrifices for others, no matter how small they are.

At the Christmas party last night, we were given Christmas Jars, following after the book by Jason Wright, where we can make a tradition to save a little in the jar all year round in order to save money for gifts for each other in our own family, or to give to another family for Christmas.  It's a beautiful tradition, and shed some light on the little sacrifices we can make all year to remember the sacrifice given to us by our Savior and our Heavenly Father.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

The Truth about Love

What Is Love ? by ~PARANOIA--7 on deviantART

I have learned so much about love over the years I've been married.  I've been married only 8 years, so I'm sure there is much more to learn.  The more I learn, the less I know! :)  Socrates knew more then me.  The thing that breaks my heart is how love continually gets advertised in this world as a completely different definition then what it is.

For example, we are told love is about feeling giddy and excited.  Love is when you can't live without someone and are only happy when you are with him or her.  Love is when you are miserable without this person.  Love is the rush of seeing this person walk into the room.  Love is either there or it's not and it cannot change because it's a chemical thing.

All lies.

Love is not selfish.  It's not about me or how I feel.  Actually, love isn't a feeling at all.

Let me explain it this way (and I've heard this before so know I don't own this idea!), love is not a noun but a verb.

*For those English and Grammar junkies like me, let's break it down -if you're not a junkie, just read on- I "love" (noun) you. vs I "love" (verb) you.  What's the difference?  Think about it.

Here's a little story to illustrate.  A man walks into a priest/councilor's office and tells the councilor he doesn't love his wife.  The priest/bishop says to him, "Shame on you."  He says it again, "I don't think you understand.  I don't love her."  The priest/bishop again tells him, "Shame on you."  The man feels misunderstood and frustrated now.  "What do you mean?  It's not my fault.  It does make me sad.  I just don't love her."  Again the priest/bishop responds saying, "Shame on you.  Love is not beyond your control.  If you don't love your wife, you're not doing it right."  After a small conversation the priest/bishop told the man as he left, "Now go LOVE (verb) your wife."

Love is action.

Ever wonder why a mother loves her baby?  It's because she has sacrificed for her baby and continues to sacrifice for her baby every single day.  She puts her baby first and nurtures her baby.  This is why she loves her baby.  Unconditionally.  Because she is not thinking about herself.  She doesn't think to herself, "Oh, today my baby didn't make me happy so I must not love my baby after all."  If she did, everybody would tell her she was a selfish mother that didn't deserve her baby.

Love is not a noun as it seems to be portrayed in romantic comedies and fairytales.  It is in actuality a verb.

It's not an object.  It's not a gift you can be given when you begin a relationship, all wrapped beautifully and tied up with a bow, for you to hold and keep for yourself always.  It cannot be contained or held.  It's an action.  Loving someone is not about how you feel all the time, it's about how you act.

Love is service.
Love is sacrifice.
Love is unselfish acts.
Love is diligent commitment.
Love is pure loyalty.

Finding this new (to me!) definition of love has made me realize that I must take responsibility for the way I love my husband!  It's MY responsibility to love him.  Not his.  If I were to say I didn't love him, that's no one's fault but my own.  It takes away the blaming game.  I can no longer blame him for not making me love him.  That's my responsibility!

Loving my husband is not about what he does or does not do, but what I do.  I must actively love (verb) my husband and then that happy giddy feeling will grow inside and I will love him.  That is truth, even though it's not easy.

It would be so much easier if love was an object or noun, a gift-wrapped thing to hold and enjoy.  But it's not.  It's much more difficult and complicated, but that's what makes love so special.


_______________________________
*I do want to add this:
I do not claim to know what everybody's individual situation is in their own relationships.  Commitment goes both ways and divorce happens more often then anyone would ever want.  But I do believe this is one of the reasons behind it.  No matter your situation, try to be the one to actively love others.  Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.  Let others be responsible for theirs.  

The Greatest Gift to My Family Is to Be Present

Recently I realized something about the way my mind works.  It's been this way for as long as I remember and maybe I sound like a crazy person.  Putting it into words is difficult because it is so hard to explain, and so it makes me feel kind of insane, but I'll do the best I can to describe it.

I live in a dreamland.  My mind is constantly dreaming.  It is not necessarily what-ifs, but what-won't-bes and fantasies that are completely fictional in nature.  But then there are even times when I am in a moment but I am dreaming about how it would be to be in the moment.  I'm not really embracing the fact that I am in actuality IN that moment.

The other day I was thinking to myself "This is happening to me right now." and repeating it in my mind.  "This is actually happening right now."  I remembered something my sister had told me and focused on my senses.  It brought everything in that real moment to life and I was finally about to embrace it completely!  It felt SO GOOD!

I've been told before about how we live in different mind-sets.  There's the "logical mind", the "emotional mind", and the "wise mind'.  The "logical mind" is when you are thinking about something technical, like when you're doing your budget or something.  The "emotional mind" is when you are completely taken by emotion, like when riding a roller coaster or sky diving.  Your entire mind is focused on emotion.  The "wise mind" is when you are using BOTH.  It was hard for me to think of an example of this at first but when I did, I realized...when you are in the "wise mind" you are present.

My first example is easy for a musician to understand.  I play the piano and I feel a release of tension and a solace whenever I do that.  If I let go to make music it's being in my "wise mind" because I am logically thinking about the technical aspect of making music, but then I am letting my emotions also overtake my mind at the same time.  I am in the moment, completely focused on the present.

My sister gave another example of times when she is doing something routine or normal with her family and she seems to step outside of herself and look at her and her family.  She thinks "Look at where we are right now.  Look at the the stage my children are in right now.  This is where we are."  She savors the moment and feels immense gratitude for it.  Feeling gratitude is a wonderful way to be present.

Another sister told me a little trick on how to be in the "wise mind", which was to focus on the senses in any given moment.  Think about how my skin feels, how the air feels, what I can hear and see, what I can smell in the air and how my mouth tastes.  Touching the surface of something and focusing on the roughness or the smoothness of the object.  It enhances the present when you do this.

It helps to put down your cell phone too. ;)

New Thoughts from the Old Bible

I found this scripture recently and decided to dress it up and now it's in a frame above my computer desk.  It's a friendly reminder to me of what I'm striving for in my home and in my self.

Stress can get the better of me sometimes.  Times are really tough and whenever I sit and look at our finances it is so easy to get caught up in the what-if's and the oh-no's and the I-can't-do-anything's...but then I remember the last part of this.  Rejoice in hope!  Even a little ray of hope is worth rejoicing over.  And I also remember this talk from the last conference by Bruce D. Porter.  It was a great reminder to fear not!

This past weekend we had a local street fair where local businesses set up booths for people to walk along and support one another.  I went partly because my son's dance class had a booth and were planning a dance party/performance that afternoon.  Along the street there was a woman advertising for positive thinking classes and workshops.  Her little reminder about positive thinking bringing positive results and good things coming to those who are optimistic and waiting for good things, well, it was rather timely for me.

Coming back to this little scripture I decorated, well, I didn't even realize my one little word was a part of this either.  Rule with diligence.  Makes me want to smile actually.  How many times have I wanted to give up ruling my household with my three little gremlins running around destroying everything.  Deep breathes.  Be diligent.

Every part of this strikes me as a new way of thinking.  Which is odd, because really...how old is the bible?  But giving simply is such a neat and wonderful idea in our modern world where everything is subject to embellishment and undervalued without the bells and whistles on display.  But really, it's always the most simple gifts that mean the most.

And mercy.  I'd never really thought about how showing mercy could be a cheerful thing.  Sometimes being merciful means being forgiving even when the offender isn't even that sorry.  It can be really hard to be cheerful when showing mercy, I think.  But I think there is something quite godlike and angelic about being merciful with a smile on my face.  It's really kicking out that natural man in a way I had never contemplated before.

To be fervently serving...hm.  Well, fervently.  It makes me think of a bright or hot flame.  The dictionary says fervently means having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm; ardent, passionate.  Wow.  Serving fervently seems pretty neat.  And I didn't even realize how much the yellow color I used for that adds to the meaning.  I love how sometimes it seems like I am guided without even knowing it.  I love it when I am shown in God's synchronicities that He has a plan for me.

Dissimulation means hypocrisy.  So to love without any pretense, feigning nothing.  Just honestly loving.  On the surface, this may seem like an easy thing in the home.  But under the surface I think sometimes everyone struggles with that.  Being genuinely kind and loving to someone.  Showing love without pretending or trying too hard.  Being unconditional and letting go of expectations.

So much from just one little scripture.  Those words are truly from God as a gift to us to help us along the way.  What a powerful thing language is.  Definitions of word expounding on our understanding and knowledge of the truth.  Just utterances that could at one point be meaningless but when paired with ideas and given meaning and then put together in sentences...awe.  Ok I'm letting that grammary-English-passion-of-the-dorks person out again.  (Glimpse into the real me...gheesh.)  I'll leave you to your own thoughts. :)

I'm Stubborn...What Are the Desires of My Heart?

I was struggling with received criticism lately.  I kept thinking to myself that I hadn't really done anything wrong and the person who had approached me may have been the only one offended and it was her fault.  There is no reason for me to explain why that wasn't sitting well on my conscience and I kept dwelling on it.  That stubborn streak within me has come out a few times lately, actually.

I went to the temple shortly after receiving this criticism.  Which was, actually, really good timing for me, even though it wasn't my own plan and others just happened to push me in that direction.  As I sit in the chapel area waiting for sessions to begin, I've created the habit to read in the scriptures they usually have available.  So I did this.  I knew I wasn't feeling close to the spirit at the moment and needed to make things feel right again somehow.  At times like that, I like to open the book up randomly and let it just speak to me.  So that's what I did.

The word "peace" jumped off the page at me, but I was being stubborn, like I said, so I thought...hm...how about the other page.  I'll begin reading over there.  (Kind of dumb, huh...but *sighs* that's me.)  So I read the next page all the way to the bottom, then went back to the first page and read from the top.  I still hadn't really gotten anything that spoke to my soul until I once again came to the verse containing the word "peace" in it.  I finally conceded.

It was D&C 105:38-41 (I had read section 106 first...)
This is an indirect quote:
Sue for peace, not only to those who've smitten [me] but to all.  Proclaim peace! Propose peace...according to the voice of the spirit and all things shall work together for my good.  Therefore, be faithful and behold and lo, I am with you even unto the end.

I had been wanting to lash out to protect myself in a some sort of fight of flight knee-jerk reaction.  Now in reading this, I decided I needed to just let it go, and so I could return to a good state of mind and acceptance to the person who'd hurt me.  Immediately when I did this, it opened my eyes to the truthfulness in the criticism I'd received!  Now I can take it for what it's worth, learn from it, and move forward productively.

Later, I was studying Alma 7:23
"I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive"

It struck me that these godlike traits and qualities: humility, patience, gentleness are CHOICES first.  I think perhaps all godlike qualities begin that way. Because we are not godly, of course, because naturally we are manlike and the natural man is far from being godlike.  So, if we want to develop qualities like that, we have to begin with the choice to be that way.  It isn't easy because it isn't natural.  It takes practice to develop these things into habit and then hopefully it can become a talent.

Last week, I was being truly harrowed up by things going on in the world right now.

I love people.  I just do.  It's maybe a godlike quality I was blessed with as a talent that just came with me.  I've been blessed and burdened with charity for others, and having that is something I value very much, but sometimes I've found it can handicap my judgement about some things.  I've been hurt, and sometimes I've been very wrong.

Facebook exploded with things about marriage equality lately.  It had been something I'd been contemplating about for over a year.  I struggle with it because my church does not support marriage equality.  I understand why the church doesn't.  I believe in what my church believes in.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, and is a beautiful and sacred thing in the eyes of God.  However, I love my friends and family members who want to be loved and have relationships and cannot do so without leaving the church behind.  It's been a struggle for me from the very beginning.

I know from personal experience that these people are good and God loves them because there would be no way He possibly would not.  I believe they have a place and it's beyond my mortal understanding.  But I know God has a place for them.

I believe in letting others find their place by whatever means they choose.  I am not in charge of other people.  God is.  He knows each person individually and He knows them and can take care of them and guide them to where they need to be.  But it's not up to me.  I also don't believe it's up to any politicians or government officials to decide.  This is why I decided to support marriage equality.

That exploded.

Of course I have many friends who did not see things the same way.  I have friends who did, yes.  But everyone's views are tainted by something and I just felt like I was floating in a bunch of biased articles and information as I continued to research the church's viewpoint as well as what other people said.  Even LDS people.

The more I stuck to what I said, the more horrible I began to feel, the more reading I did...and the further I felt I was pushing something good away.  I hated it.  I didn't want to go back on what I believed in.  I didn't want to betray other beliefs.  I was so conflicted.  Then I had a REALLY BAD day where everything felt upside down and just plane wrong.

I had a visit from a friend that day.  She is not LDS, but she is very devout and believes in true principles.  I expected her to take a side and give me a lecture the same way my Facebook friends had done.  The same way I had been doing to my Facebook friends.  Sadly.

But she didn't.  She stood there listening to me talk about my inner conflict and frustrations and responded with simply saying: It's not between you and your friends or even between you and your church.  It's between you and God, and it looks to me like you need to do some real praying to set things right between you and God.  No one else can tell you that.

I had been afraid to pray.  Actually, sort of avoiding it.  I would say my prayers, and once in a while feel that little push to pray about this subject, but I always would push it away.  Because I was scared of the answers I would receive.  I was afraid that God would tell me I was wrong.  I felt like I had to be right.  My loved ones deserve happiness the same as anyone.

I decided the entire Facebook discussion was driving the spirit away from me.  So I backed down and ended all discussions on the topic on Facebook.  I was not helping anyone by sharing my stubborn spirit with other people.  In fact, I was probably feeding the adversary's plan.  It makes me want to cry to even admit that.

But the truth is, I am right to an extent.  My homosexual friends and family members are indeed children of God and God loves them.  They deserve all happiness.  They deserve to be embraced and loved and fulfilled in life.  But having marriage with someone of the same sex, as much as it may seem to be the answer, will not in fact bring them the happiness they crave.  I wish it were that simple.  I wish they could just find a spouse and get married and live happily ever after.

But that is a fairy tale that doesn't exist.  Even for a straight person!  Marriage was not the happily ever after fairy tale ending for me, and I don't know anyone who would say they had one either when they were married.  It wouldn't be that way for a homosexual either.

I then read this article which helped me see the issue a little clearer from a non-religious perspective.

The entire thing breaks my heart.  Because I truly love these people and I know they are good.  I understand where they are coming from and why they are fighting so hard for the things they want in their lives.  But I honestly feel now that what they are fighting for so hard, while they believe it will bring them happiness, will in fact bring sadness...even at a catastrophic level.

I was being stubborn.  I didn't yield to the spirit.  Now that I have, it feels a lot better.  I'm more at home in my heart.  I will continue to support and love homosexuals.  Because they deserve finding every happiness in their lives.  But sometimes God's plan for that happiness is different then ours.  Sometimes following His will is harder then we can even imagine, because it goes against what we think is the best way.  But He sees all.  HE knows all.  All we have to do is trust in that and stop being stubborn.  Choose humility.  Choose gentleness.  Choose to be patient.  Sue for peace.

A New Year Begins

Over the last year, I have learned so much!  I'm so grateful for the people and programs that have come into my life over the past year to make me realize how much I had it wrong and how much I could change things to gain more happiness.

Happiness comes from within.  That was the biggest thing I learned this year.  I always knew it.  People had told me this for years.  It was like a cliche I couldn't get away from.  But I never knew how to do it.  I never knew how to create that happiness from within.  Now I do.  That's quite an accomplishment, I'd say!  Happiness comes from within when you truly learn to accept and love yourself.  Look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful" and believe it!  Then, it's going out and letting others enjoy who you are because you're a loveable person.  Giving that love to other people can really make you love yourself even more!  But instead of giving and trying to feel the love from without, it's loving first and then giving and it all expands from there!

I also learned more about hope this year.  I learned that hoping for something is the thread that keeps life moving forward.  All you need is that hope and the day can end and another begins.  I have learned that my Savior loves me.  He has given me everything and can give me more if I just ask.  He will help me with everything and He has the ability to make me strong.  I just have to turn to Him for the strength.  Sometimes it's the turning that's the hardest part.  Just look up!  You'd think it would be an easy thing.

I also learned this year to love my husband (anyway).  :)  I have really grown in this aspect.  I met my husband and I loved him because I love people.  I just do.  I loved him because I love everyone. (No wonder I was so bad at dating! I loved people and couldn't get the difference with anyone special so I'd say "I love you" and get these guys all excited in spite of myself.)  Then I loved him because I felt it was right to marry him.  Then I loved him because he was my husband and it was what I was supposed to do.  Then I denied within myself that it was real love.  Then I kicked myself for giving up on romance.  Then I "loved" him because I had to.  Then I got mad.  I got mad at myself.  I got mad at him.  I think I even got mad at God.  But this year has changed a lot.  This year, I looked at him and remembered the way I felt when we were dating.  I did love him that way!  I had loved him once, and he was still that same person.  He was still the awkward "NCMO" (non-commital make-out) King from college who hunched over his guitar and swung his keys around from his lanyard.  He was just more mature now.  He'd replaced the girls with politics and he replaced the music with sports.  But it was still him.  And I realized I wasn't giving him any credit.  I'd say this is quite the accomplishment for my year too.  I learned that love is not a noun, it's a verb.  I learned that if I don't LOVE my husband (as in, an action verb), then I won't ever love him.  It was a big change in the way I live, and it has changed my level of happiness as well.  Now I feel like I love my husband, not for any of the reasons I've stated before, but I love him because I feel good loving him.  I love him because it's a fun thing to do.  I love him because he deserves it.  I love him because I'm grateful for everything he does for me.  I love him because he's so handsome!  I love him because he's my children's father!  I love him because I'm going to be with him forever!  And forever doesn't sound so bad, actually.  (Especially because after this life, many of our little annoying habits and weaknesses will be much better!)

This year, I have learned to let go of things I cannot control.  I'm learning more about how to deal with the things I can control and trust God.  I have learned that trusting God is the real key to the atonement.  It has helped me to forgive myself.  It has helped me forgive others.  And I have finally been able to put the past firmly in the past!  I no longer stay up nights thinking about that moment in my sophomore high school year, or that day when I was single in college, or that thing I should have said back in my newly-wed days.  It's gone!  And that's such a relief!

Last New Years, I chose one word as my New Years Resolution.  Do you remember what it was?  If you do, I commend you for following my blogs for so long. :)  I'm loved!  :)  Anyway, go back and read that post if you want.  It's short.  Shorter than this one, for sure.  (And I said I wasn't going to have any long posts on this blog....sighs.)  My word for last year was "Whisper" and I think I've gotten SO MUCH better about keeping my voice down with my kids.  I'm far from perfect about it, of course.  But I'm much better.  I don't think I sat and acted like a three-year-old this year.  Maybe once. :)

But I've also gotten better at listening to that Whisper of the spirit.  It has blessed me so much!  Yet another huge lesson I have learned this year!  How to recognize the voice of the spirit and differentiate it from other voices.  I never realized those other voices were even out there! (Thus, the confusion on my listening to the spirit in the past!)  But they are!  The biggest key to listening to the spirit that I have found is this: It's light.  God is light.  Christ is light.  The spirit wouldn't feel heavy, like a brick on my chest trying to get me to do something.  Oh no.  It feels light and as though a burden is lifted from me.  So I started practicing following that light feeling and every time I felt the heaviness creeping up on me, (for example, when I would feel the impulse to be online to waste time) I would turn from it and do something better.  It has made an amazing difference!  Not only do I feel better because I'm making better choices in my daily life, but I'm finding it easier to follow that spirit because I'm actually listening!  Da-da-da DUM!!!  :)  It's been a wonderful thing.

So a New Year has begun.  2013 is upon us and I'm once again contemplating what to choose as my one little word for this year.

I've chosen "Serve" as my New Years Resolution One Little Word.  At the end of 2012, I had a new neighbor move in nearby and it gave me all kinds of opportunities to service.  I let her borrow my vacuum, I helped her unpack into her kitchen, I helped her decorate her kitchen, I stayed to lock up for her during an emergency, I babysat her little boy, I did her dishes, I took her breakfast, I invited her over for dinner, I helped her unpack her little boy's bedroom, I put him to bed for her when her other child was sick and she was busy with her, I've sat with her, I've chatted with her, I've accepted her completely, I've found we have so much in common, and I'm her friend.  From the very beginning, I was drawn to her spiritually.  I was becoming addicted to the beautiful feeling that overwhelmed me as I served her.  I kept finding more opportunities to do so.  And the fierce loyalty between us now is a wonderful reward.  It also brought that special Christmas spirit into my heart in a way I have never felt before.

So over the next year, I play to focus on this one little word.  I'm going to look for more opportunities for me to serve others.  Whether it is in my own home or elsewhere.  I want to keep this special spirit with me.   I want to remember it all throughout the year.

Another new tradition I decided to start is this thing I saw on Facebook.  So I have a jar on my piano now that is marked "Happy Happenings of 2013" and I plan to fill it with little papers containing happy things that happen throughout the year and so we can read and reminisce during next New Years.  I'm pretty excited about it.  So far I've cheated a little and placed the two movie tickets from New Years Eve inside (technically not 2013 but oh well).  We saw Les Miserable together and it was incredible!  Happy New Year, everyone!

(Yes, I'm finally finishing up this insanely long post!)

Loving Me

I had a conversation yesterday that really opened my eyes to the way I look at myself and my life.  I've heard commonly the cliche that (and I'm using quotations very loosely) "If you don't love yourself first, others can't love you and you can't love others." and I knew this was true.  But until yesterday I never really took it in completely.


Here's an example for you (that may sound familiar, because it's not uncommon).  For the sake of ease, let's call this woman Rachel.  Rachel doesn't feel love toward herself.  So she's constantly trying to find love from others outside herself.  She gives to others, trying to be a selfless person, but it never seems like what she does is really appreciated.  She wants to love other people.  She tries to do services for others, but it never makes her happy because it never seems like other people return her services.  It doesn't even seem like what she does is appreciated.  She then tells herself she must just be unlovable.  Rachel goes through life feeling like she can't be loved.  She looks in the mirror and thinks she could be pretty but she can't think that about herself because it would be selfish.  She won't take compliments because there is no way any of the compliments could be true.  People are just saying those things to make her feel better.

Sound familiar?  Maybe Rachel is like someone you know.  Or maybe Rachel is like you.

I really feel bad for Rachel.  I pity her because she is trying so hard!   But she never can REALLY love others and she never can REALLY be loved by others.  She can't.  Because she doesn't love herself.

Yesterday, I was getting ready for the day after this conversation I had, and I looked at myself and thought, It's OK to like myself!  It's OK to LOVE myself!  I CAN think I am beautiful, and I can be proud of the way I look and who I am!  In fact, doing this is BETTER!  Feeling this way about me won't make other people think I'm cocky or mean.  Feeling love for myself doesn't bring others down, but it will lift others up!  It will actually help others to love me!  It will help me to love others!

It felt so freeing to look at myself and think this way.  It feels so good to say "I love me!" and mean it.  Really loving myself, feeling that glow inside for myself, helps me feel that glow inside for others.  It helps me to want to just give to others and love them, no matter what they do in return.  No matter how others feel, I can be happy!  Because I love me!

The Priesthood

I recently picked up the conference issue of the Ensign that just came out, and randomly opened it up, deciding to read whatever talk I turned to first.

This was it, and I so appreciated it.  When I first began reading I didn't think I was going to get anything that new.  After all, isn't the priesthood something that doesn't concern me so much, besides the fact that I should be supportive?  Well, reading this talk made me change my mind.

These words struck me closely.  I never really knew what it meant to "be supportive" to priesthood holders.  I've heard people say it means to give them the opportunity to use their priesthood by asking for blessings and things, but I didn't realize it's more than that.

I should look at my husband differently.  Because he is a priesthood holder, he is different and special.  I should look at him and treat him with a special respect because of the holy power he has been given.  Supporting the priesthood means seeing him as a man with that gift, and wanting to tap into it whenever I can.  Also, it means encouraging him in every moment to feel worthy of that power.  It made my love for him feel a bit more transformed.  It never ceases to amaze me how love can keep growing and changing through the years.

Then further, I was thinking about my boys.  When they grow older they should understand this as well; so when they receive the priesthood they will know that they are different and, in turn, should act differently.

I am so grateful for conference talks and the clarity they bring when you are seeking the words of God.

Keeping the Right Spiritual Feeling

I never applied keeping the spirit in my relationships quite like I have been lately and it's been GRAND!  I've heard it said that when you are married, you should love your spouse emotionally, physically, and SPIRITUALLY.  I couldn't quite understand how one loves spiritually.  But I think I'm beginning to understand it.  Bonding spiritually is a beautiful thing and I'm seeing how it really glues you together as a couple to add that special touch.

Someone asked me how you could find this kind of love.  My answer?  You can't.  This kind of love isn't found at all.  It's something achieved after hard work.  You can begin to love someone emotionally.  You can begin to love someone physically.  Maybe you could begin loving someone spiritually, hey, it's possible.  But to have the kind of love where all three exist and harmonize tremendously, it takes years of being together and working through the rough spots.  It takes patience with each others' faults and each others' weaknesses.  It takes acceptance and love for each other the way the Savior would love.

You wouldn't realize that your spouse could be difficult to love sometimes, but it's true!  No one is perfect.  If you are waiting for that perfect someone, you may never marry!  If you are feeling stuck to someone you don't think is good enough, look again.  People say to look back at the reasons why you married that person in the first place.  Well, in my case that doesn't help because I wasn't drop dead in love when I got married.  It just depresses me to look back and the hard times I had in those first months of marriage when we both struggled with failed expectations and the challenge of change.  So instead, I look at us now and I look at the future.


People say not ever to settle when you get married.  Sometimes people wonder if they DID settle for their spouse.  (I think every married person asks themselves if they did- if you haven't yet, you will at some point.  If you never do, well I congratulate you on defying the odds.)  The thing is, no one settles for a person.  Everyone settles for their idea of what their relationship is going to be like forever.  If you think "This is the way our relationship is and it will always be this way." well, it will always be that way.  I got married and thought this way.  I thought it was good enough.  I wondered at one point if I had settled.  I wondered if I would ever find happiness.  I thought if I left, it would still be impossible to be happy anyway so I might as well stay.  Then someone told me (my bishop, actually) that love is NOT something that is JUST THERE OR IT'S NOT like they say about chemistry in the movies.  Love is something that grows as you work on it and as you give service.

You know why I married my husband?  Because, even though I could see he was not perfect, I could see he was the type of guy who would do whatever it takes to make our relationship work.  He would never give up.  That's all I needed.

Cleave [kleev]: To adhere closely; stick; cling.

Today I was reading on this page about mainly efforts in some wards to more adequately approach sexuality amongst church members, and I came upon this section (Item #6 Intimacy by President Dean E. Criddle - Young Married Couples) where it talked about intimacy in a marriage.  I wasn't looking for advice on my marriage while reading this stuff - I was interested in the messages on sexuality.  But sometimes the Lord sneaks in those lessons that we need most at times we don't expect.

Anyway, this section talked about the scripture that says one should "cleave" unto our spouse.  While most of the time, we approach this scripture focused on the negative (don't cheat on your spouse), in this reading Criddle (I'm assuming) points to the more positive approach of this subject (what we SHOULD do).  I'll just quote here.

"The promise is not simply to avoid cleaving to someone else. It also includes the affirmative covenant to cleave to the chosen spouse. I believe this is a covenant to be pro active in both giving and receiving emotional and physical intimacy – including a covenant to do our best to receive emotional and physical intimacies offered by our chosen spouse.

This can be a challenge.....sometimes... it [is] difficult or even impossible for husbands to be proactive in sharing emotional and physical intimacy with their wives...Sometimes... it [is] challenging for wives to offer or to be willing to accept intimacies offered by their husbands. This can lead to emotional distance and difficulties in sharing other levels of intimacy between husband and wife as well.

Even when there are no specific or dramatic intervening biological or emotional circumstances, the challenges of daily life can and do create wedges between husbands and wives. Whether these wedges are large or small, they can and do make it difficult for spouses to be affirmative in “cleaving unto” each other. I believe this is an issue grappled with by every single couple who has been married for any period of time. It cuts a broad swath especially through the ranks of recently married couples in this Stake, leaving sadness, disappointment and sometimes bitterness and deep grief. This is an “elephant in the living rooms” of even the most committed, self-sacrificing and generous married couples."

 I was struck by this because I had never applied this scripture to my marriage in quite this way.  I have always known it would be better in my marriage if we were sharing both the emotional and physical side of intimacy to each other, but I never connected it to the commandment to "cleave" unto ones spouse.  It made me think more about how my husband and I could work more on being "pro active" in our "cleaving". :)  I then put it aside in my mind and mostly forgot it.

But just now I was looking at my Dictionary.com app on my phone at the word of the day.  It happened to be "Cleave."  I think God is trying to send me a message today.  I better go downstairs now and share a conversation with my husband. :) Happy cleaving, you married people, you.

The Right Perspective

Today I contemplated about married life and single life in a different way then I ever have before.

When I got married, I sadly said goodbye to single life. I don't know why I was sad and felt I'd miss being single because being single was never so wonderful to me. I hardly had the chance to enjoy it with all the hideous relationships I had with people I shouldn't have had relationships with. I thought of being single as the fun days I would miss out on more then the ones I'd miss because I hadn't really had it the way I wanted it. I envisioned being single and confident and enjoying myself. Then, being married, I thought of that alter-reality of "what-ifs" as though being single was glorified in my mind and wished for.

Today I looked at it differently. I realistically thought about what my life would be like today if I had never gotten married. I wouldn't be having a blast, free and fun, confident and dating all the time. I would most likely be a lonely sad girl who wished for more attention then she was getting and therefore finding herself in more hideous relationships that she shouldn't be in.

With this in mind, I looked over at my husband. Then I looked at my kids.

I am blessed.
I have people in my life I couldn't live without.

So I told my hubby in that moment (because he deserves to know), "I don't think I could live without you."

Because it's true.

Learning Unconditional Love

Last night we were watching Inspetion (which has nothing to do with the subject of this post, by the way - but hey, great movie!) and Jimmy paused it a moment to go upstairs. I was holding my baby and waiting, and I began to think about the love I feel for this little child and how I can't wait to get to know him. It sunk in that I don't really even know his personality or who he will be someday, but I love him so much anyway.

Jimmy always talks about how amazed he is that he can love all his children the same. With each new baby that comes, he can't comprehend loving another as much as the one he already has but it somehow happens. It just does, and he loves all his kids so much - and the same. Even though there are different things we like most about each child (like how silly goof-ball Jameson is or how sweet and gentle Zachy is) we still love them the same.

Then I thought about my love for this new child, Chili, and how I love him just as much but I don't know anything about him really. It sunk in slowly that with each child my capacity to love is growing more and more. I love them so much and a new child is born and I love that one just as much so my capacity must be growing immensely.

I thought about God's love and how He loves all of His children the same. He loves every one of us so much, and I'm sure there are some things He likes better about one then the other because of the gifts or talents we possess (gifts He gave us), but He still loves us all the same.

So being a parent is giving me the opportunity and training me to become more like my Heavenly Father. I am becoming more loving and more capable of love with each child. I'm learning how to be patient with my children and love them no matter what happens, just as God loves us.

Then my thoughts took another step.

Learning to love like this doesn't stop with my own children or family. Learning to love my children unconditionally, without even really knowing them, can also teach me how to love others. God love ALL people this way - and so should I. I looked up at the tv screen at Leonardo DiCaprio's face just then and thought - even him! Celebrities included - like Lady Gaga. (haha) It's hard for me to imagine loving Leonardo DiCaprio in the same way that I love this baby in my arms, but that's how God sees us, and someday I hope I can look at all people and love them that much. Without knowing anything about them.