Feeling My Imperfections

I read D&C 50:40-42 lately and rewrote it to personalize it to myself.

"I am a little child and I can't bear all things now; I must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth...Fear not, little child, for I am His and He has overcome the world...and none of us, that the Father hath given to Christ, shall be lost."

I can find strength in this scripture because when I am discouraged I must remember NOT to try to bear everything all at once.  I must give myself the time and patience I deserve to grow.


I keep having to learn the same lessons over and over again and I get tired.
I'm tired!

I want to be able to live joyfully from day to day, doing my mediocre tasks happily and spending worthwhile time with my children.  Far too often my kids seem to be wasting away their time while I am elsewhere wasting away mine.  I want to be the kind of mom that cherishes every moment and takes advantage of it because I know it passes far too quickly.  But I'm tired.  Moments pass and I don't cherish them.  I don't hold my kids close enough.  I can't hold them close enough to stop time.  I can't, and they wouldn't appreciate it if I tried.

I want to be a different kind of mom.  But I'm only me.  And so I must look to God to build up the best of "me" there is and add to it.  Otherwise I truly feel I will fail.  So, Lord, help me.

I'm Stubborn...What Are the Desires of My Heart?

I was struggling with received criticism lately.  I kept thinking to myself that I hadn't really done anything wrong and the person who had approached me may have been the only one offended and it was her fault.  There is no reason for me to explain why that wasn't sitting well on my conscience and I kept dwelling on it.  That stubborn streak within me has come out a few times lately, actually.

I went to the temple shortly after receiving this criticism.  Which was, actually, really good timing for me, even though it wasn't my own plan and others just happened to push me in that direction.  As I sit in the chapel area waiting for sessions to begin, I've created the habit to read in the scriptures they usually have available.  So I did this.  I knew I wasn't feeling close to the spirit at the moment and needed to make things feel right again somehow.  At times like that, I like to open the book up randomly and let it just speak to me.  So that's what I did.

The word "peace" jumped off the page at me, but I was being stubborn, like I said, so I thought...hm...how about the other page.  I'll begin reading over there.  (Kind of dumb, huh...but *sighs* that's me.)  So I read the next page all the way to the bottom, then went back to the first page and read from the top.  I still hadn't really gotten anything that spoke to my soul until I once again came to the verse containing the word "peace" in it.  I finally conceded.

It was D&C 105:38-41 (I had read section 106 first...)
This is an indirect quote:
Sue for peace, not only to those who've smitten [me] but to all.  Proclaim peace! Propose peace...according to the voice of the spirit and all things shall work together for my good.  Therefore, be faithful and behold and lo, I am with you even unto the end.

I had been wanting to lash out to protect myself in a some sort of fight of flight knee-jerk reaction.  Now in reading this, I decided I needed to just let it go, and so I could return to a good state of mind and acceptance to the person who'd hurt me.  Immediately when I did this, it opened my eyes to the truthfulness in the criticism I'd received!  Now I can take it for what it's worth, learn from it, and move forward productively.

Later, I was studying Alma 7:23
"I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive"

It struck me that these godlike traits and qualities: humility, patience, gentleness are CHOICES first.  I think perhaps all godlike qualities begin that way. Because we are not godly, of course, because naturally we are manlike and the natural man is far from being godlike.  So, if we want to develop qualities like that, we have to begin with the choice to be that way.  It isn't easy because it isn't natural.  It takes practice to develop these things into habit and then hopefully it can become a talent.

Last week, I was being truly harrowed up by things going on in the world right now.

I love people.  I just do.  It's maybe a godlike quality I was blessed with as a talent that just came with me.  I've been blessed and burdened with charity for others, and having that is something I value very much, but sometimes I've found it can handicap my judgement about some things.  I've been hurt, and sometimes I've been very wrong.

Facebook exploded with things about marriage equality lately.  It had been something I'd been contemplating about for over a year.  I struggle with it because my church does not support marriage equality.  I understand why the church doesn't.  I believe in what my church believes in.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, and is a beautiful and sacred thing in the eyes of God.  However, I love my friends and family members who want to be loved and have relationships and cannot do so without leaving the church behind.  It's been a struggle for me from the very beginning.

I know from personal experience that these people are good and God loves them because there would be no way He possibly would not.  I believe they have a place and it's beyond my mortal understanding.  But I know God has a place for them.

I believe in letting others find their place by whatever means they choose.  I am not in charge of other people.  God is.  He knows each person individually and He knows them and can take care of them and guide them to where they need to be.  But it's not up to me.  I also don't believe it's up to any politicians or government officials to decide.  This is why I decided to support marriage equality.

That exploded.

Of course I have many friends who did not see things the same way.  I have friends who did, yes.  But everyone's views are tainted by something and I just felt like I was floating in a bunch of biased articles and information as I continued to research the church's viewpoint as well as what other people said.  Even LDS people.

The more I stuck to what I said, the more horrible I began to feel, the more reading I did...and the further I felt I was pushing something good away.  I hated it.  I didn't want to go back on what I believed in.  I didn't want to betray other beliefs.  I was so conflicted.  Then I had a REALLY BAD day where everything felt upside down and just plane wrong.

I had a visit from a friend that day.  She is not LDS, but she is very devout and believes in true principles.  I expected her to take a side and give me a lecture the same way my Facebook friends had done.  The same way I had been doing to my Facebook friends.  Sadly.

But she didn't.  She stood there listening to me talk about my inner conflict and frustrations and responded with simply saying: It's not between you and your friends or even between you and your church.  It's between you and God, and it looks to me like you need to do some real praying to set things right between you and God.  No one else can tell you that.

I had been afraid to pray.  Actually, sort of avoiding it.  I would say my prayers, and once in a while feel that little push to pray about this subject, but I always would push it away.  Because I was scared of the answers I would receive.  I was afraid that God would tell me I was wrong.  I felt like I had to be right.  My loved ones deserve happiness the same as anyone.

I decided the entire Facebook discussion was driving the spirit away from me.  So I backed down and ended all discussions on the topic on Facebook.  I was not helping anyone by sharing my stubborn spirit with other people.  In fact, I was probably feeding the adversary's plan.  It makes me want to cry to even admit that.

But the truth is, I am right to an extent.  My homosexual friends and family members are indeed children of God and God loves them.  They deserve all happiness.  They deserve to be embraced and loved and fulfilled in life.  But having marriage with someone of the same sex, as much as it may seem to be the answer, will not in fact bring them the happiness they crave.  I wish it were that simple.  I wish they could just find a spouse and get married and live happily ever after.

But that is a fairy tale that doesn't exist.  Even for a straight person!  Marriage was not the happily ever after fairy tale ending for me, and I don't know anyone who would say they had one either when they were married.  It wouldn't be that way for a homosexual either.

I then read this article which helped me see the issue a little clearer from a non-religious perspective.

The entire thing breaks my heart.  Because I truly love these people and I know they are good.  I understand where they are coming from and why they are fighting so hard for the things they want in their lives.  But I honestly feel now that what they are fighting for so hard, while they believe it will bring them happiness, will in fact bring sadness...even at a catastrophic level.

I was being stubborn.  I didn't yield to the spirit.  Now that I have, it feels a lot better.  I'm more at home in my heart.  I will continue to support and love homosexuals.  Because they deserve finding every happiness in their lives.  But sometimes God's plan for that happiness is different then ours.  Sometimes following His will is harder then we can even imagine, because it goes against what we think is the best way.  But He sees all.  HE knows all.  All we have to do is trust in that and stop being stubborn.  Choose humility.  Choose gentleness.  Choose to be patient.  Sue for peace.

Putting the Lord First

As I said in the last post, things have been rougher over the last month and I couldn't exactly put my finger one what changed since Christmas.  I know, we have been sick and then better and sick again, but it's been more then that to me.  I've just not been as happy or as focused on good things.

Then this weekend I stayed home from church feeling sick and thought to myself that I would still try to think about spiritual things anyway while my family attended church.  But I didn't do much but watch a TV show that was completely unrelated to spiritual things, and quite worldly actually.  At the time I rationalized, but later in the evening I was feeling guilty and sad because I knew I had given up on something better during that day.

The next day, I was still brooding over the way I felt.  I hadn't really be "in touch" like I was before Christmas and I wasn't sure what it was, but I kept wondering to myself if I needed to eliminate watching TV shows like the one I mentioned above altogether.  I kept questioning whether it was really something I should allow, or if it was bad "enough" which I hate thinking about.

I hate looking at everything in the media and trying to figure out what is really too bad or what isn't that bad or what is good enough or really good.  When something is really good, it's obvious and same with when it's really bad.  But the majority of the fun things to indulge in around me are things that are good and enjoyable, but still worldly.  I want to be uplifted, and sometimes I think I am.  But then why was I feeling like this?

I started talking to my husband about the way I felt while we made dinner together that evening.  Then finally it hit me.  It wasn't about whether or not the show was "good enough" or "wasn't that bad", it is about my priorities.  It's about if I am giving up something way better for something that is only "not that bad".  (Like that conference talk not too long ago...Good, Better, Best?)  I realized that what was bothering me was that I hadn't put the Lord first on the Lord's day.  I had shut Him out, and done everyday things.  Yes, I was sick, but it was still the Sabbath.  And if I don't treat the Sabbath as the Sabbath, when else am I going to give Him that quality time?

I took myself into my bedroom to pray.  Of course, the moment I knelt down there was that little passing thought saying "You don't have to pray, He knows already.  Don't waste your time."  But I prayed anyway, and I said I was sorry.  The results from this prayer brought me back to where I want to be.  The spirit returned into my heart and I felt the love in the Lord's forgiveness.  I also felt His approval for these types of activities as long as they aren't taking the place of greater things: like taking care of my family and enriching my spirituality.  Those things should come first.

At that point, I also realized that I had been slacking off on things that I had previously been feeling so passionate about.  I must return to the habit of praying first thing in the morning.  If I put the Lord first in my day, it's easier for me to remember to put Him first throughout the day.  I find myself putting down the Facebook on my phone to read a book to my kids, or playing a conference talk on my computer before turning on Pandora.

It's in those little things that I feel I either feel enriched and happy and spiritual and right or I start to feel blase and lose focus.  It's a very delicate balance in this busy world we live in.  But I am recommitting myself now to put the Lord first every day.

Learning from Bees

One synchronicity I failed to write about was about bees.

I recently read the novel, The Secret Life of Bees, which is fantastic!  Yes, it's the book that they based the Dakota Fanning movie on.  And then general conference happened at the beginning of October and Ballard spoke about how bees work together and what it means to us, if we tried to apply them to the way we live.  He even talked about the health benefits of honey, which is something mentioned many times in the novel I had just read. :)

I was just taken in completely by his talk as he related it to our lives.  Bees are such intriguing creatures in the way they work so hard and keep helping each other.  The novel mentioned often about the gender roles of bees because it's a book that focuses quite a lot on the feminine, as well as race issues, of course.  But Ballard also talked about the amount of work it takes to make one pound of honey.  How much?  Going to check?

I'll wait....
...
...

...
...
Got it?

Yeah, that's right!  A hive of 20,000 to 60,000 bees must travel about the equivalent of two times around the world, visiting millions of flowers!  And this is done all the time!  I mean, how many pounds of honey did you see on the shelves at the store today?  It's fascinating!

But even more is the amount of honey that would equal one bee's contribution.  Did you see it?  That's right... one twelfth of a teaspoon.  One twelfth!  One might think, that's so miniscule it would be easy to give up and say it wouldn't make that much difference.  But bees never do that.  Each bee always makes their contribution to the best of their ability.  Maybe it's instinct or something, but we have a lesson to learn from them.  Maybe I should remember that even if the difference I make is a small one, if we can all work together in a common goal, we can do huge things.

I admired the bees represented in the novel I was reading and how they symbolically played a part in the entire novel.  The writing was genius!  It's a novel I'm glad I own now because I would want to read it again and again because of the way it uses language and makes you think about life.

I think there has to be more for me to learn from this synchronicity, and I'll keep watching out for it.

Getting Clarity of Thought

It's crazy how some inspirations come at the oddest moments where it seem like everything may just be random.  But in truth, it's all part of God's meticulous plan.  I am sitting in a very spiritual meeting when it dawns on me that my book could begin in a different way then I previously had written.  Ding!  Funny.

Next to that, I was thinking about how much praying vocally helps clarify things.  And even more, how much writing things down clarify things even more.  Keeping a journal is not just good advice, it's inspired advice.  It may be hard to begin writing down all the thoughts you have - even things you are ashamed of - but it is freeing and really clarifies things.  I mean, sometimes my thoughts can get all muddled and start going in circles until I sit down and just write it out.  Somehow, writing things down slows down your brain process enough to really give more meaning in the concepts.  And talking helps too.  Something about forming the words into some kind of language, instead of just letting the concepts whirl in your head, can really clarify everything.  Sometimes I am having really deep thoughts and I simply HAVE to call someone and talk about them before I explode.

Maybe I'm just strange that way.  But this makes good, trustworthy, nonjudgmental friends a necessity.  Usually I call my best friend and other times I call my mother.  Lately, I also have the ability to call someone I know strictly on a first name basis to keep anonymity and that really creates a new venue!  But I don't use it as often.  I'm blessed to have a good genuine connection with my best friend and mother, where there is no fear involved in admitting the worst part of myself without any kind of reprehension or repression.  I'm guessing I'm pretty blessed to have that, because the more that I see of the world the more I realize how lonely so many people are because of the people that push them away, or that they have pushed away....

Anyway, this post has too many tangents.  Can you tell I journal?  Haha!  Journalling is all about tangents because it's mainly stream-of-thought type writing.  Really gets those juices flowing so I can really write.

The point I was going to get to about writing things down and praying aloud, though, is this.  Where do you think that extra clarity comes from?  A philosophy teacher of mine would argue that language is everything.  Our words create meaning and we don't have any comprehension of specific concepts until we have the words to describe them.  I think this is in many cases true - as in the studies of the man without a language that was done, it shows this to be accurate (which is completely fascinating!), but I want to think more about the spiritual side of this idea.

Truth with a capital T comes from God.  People way say that truth is epistemic, or created by the knowledge of something.  But I believe in a truth beyond the knowledge of man.  God's knowledge.  Clarity of thought comes from within.  (Wow, this is getting deep!  Let me get to the point already!)  Where do we get God's knowledge to testify within our hearts of the truth of things?  From the Holy Ghost, from the power of the spirit of God.  The Holy Ghost can hear our thoughts and He knows the intents of our hearts, though.  So, why is it that when we write things down or speak them aloud we gain more clarity?

This is where things get a little more grey in the "doctrinal" side of things, and goes more toward my opinion and what I feel spiritually is true, for myself.  I believe that our ancestors, and other angels watching over us, are present when we are writing things down or praying aloud.  They cannot know the thoughts of our hearts.  But they can read our writing and they can hear us speak.

Have you ever felt like there's someone reading over your shoulder as you're writing?  I have.   :)

But they wouldn't be judging you for what you are writing.  They would be helping you feel of their presence and helping you feel that they understand.

Ok, this may seem too weird for some of you to understand or believe, but it's something that I take very seriously.  I know that writing and praying aloud help me find more clarity of thought.  The next time you have muddled thoughts, try writing them down.  Whether the angels are reading it or not, it's been recommended by all kinds of therapists too. :)