I Am Already Amazing

 
For Christmas I got a couple books and so today I began reading a book by Holley Gerth called You're Already Amazing.  It's been quite refreshingly inspiring for me to begin reading a book like this.  I should read more books like this.

Anyway, so far the part that really caught my eye today was a section called "Most People Don't".  She gives examples of the kind of self-talk that can be destructive.  When we sit and think about how most people don't do what we are doing...like sitting in front of a computer screen writing for hours on end.  Then it becomes things like "What's the matter with you?  Why can't you be more like most people?"

"Most people don't...wear themselves out in the kitchen because they believe a meal feeds hearts and fills bellies.  Most people don't...throw off their entire schedule because they take time to listen to the stranger in the grocery store who's having a hard day....
...It's true.  Most people don't do what you do, love what you love, feel the kind of passion you feel about that thing.  I started thinking about this recently and I realized we're in pretty good company if we feel like we're not like most people.  After all:
Most people don't build an ark.
Most people don't lead people through the desert to the Promised Land.
Most people don't die on a cross to save the world.
But aren't we glad one person did each of these things?
If most people don't do what you do, and you're passionately pursuing Jesus with your life, then it's probably not just a human plan.  The heartbeat of God is probably somewhere within it.  We need you, just you, to fulfill that purpose, complete that project, bring that gift to the world in a way no one else can.
Most people don't...but you do."

This really struck me.   Because I am constantly giving myself crap about the way I spend my time.  I try to do what I need to do and not just what I want to do because everybody needs priorities.  But my leisure time is always questioned in my mind.  "Is this important enough?"  or "Does any other mother do this in their spare time?"  What spare time?

My sister said something over Thanksgiving that I keep reminding myself too.
"Don't should'a on yourself."
Meaning, don't ever look back with regrets, but instead, think forward.  I'm trying my best to do just that.  Because what I'm doing is good enough.

I don't have to do more to be good enough.  I don't have to do more to be loved.  I am already.  I really am amazing already.

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but ^aChrist ^bliveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the ^cfaith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Family Introspection

 Disclaimer:  This post may be a bit of a downer post.  My apologies.

I just drove away from another family reunion with my immediate family this year.
And I cried.
Again.

I started crying at the end of my family reunions for the first time a few years ago and it seems like it's become an annual trend.  At first I just said, well, I missed my family.  That was easy and understandable enough.  But I felt it didn't quite hit the mark on the expanse of my emotions.

I'm the youngest child in a family of 8 kids.  I grew up looking at my older sisters and brother as though they had godlike perfection.  I wanted to be just like them.  All of them.  (Sounds possible right?)  I wasn't aware of their mistakes or flaws until much later in life and it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks at first.  I thought "Oh wait, they aren't perfect?" and then of course the afterthought followed, "No of course they aren't perfect."  But this still didn't stop me from admiring their every trait.

As tears sprung once again as I was driving away from this year's family reunion, I began to honestly dissect the reason for my tears.  Yes, I miss my family.  I don't get to see them near as much as I'd like to especially since I became an adult.  I used to be the last one left living with my parents so everyone would come to my house to visit.  Now that I am married with kids I have to go there to visit and ALSO go simultaneously with other family members in order to visit them.  Or make the effort to connect with them at their homes or mine, but this often doesn't go any further then stating "We really should do something sometime."

So the family reunion comes in the summer and the anticipation to see these godlike creatures again in their glory consumes me.  Then I spend a couple days in their presence and am reminded of how much I don't know them as well as I want to know them, and how much I don't think they know me as well as I want them to.  Then it also hits me that I am now the adult I used to fantasize about being someday sans these fantastic traits I love in my older siblings.

I look at sister number 1 and see strength and contentment.  Sister number 2, and her all-consuming happiness and optimism.  Sister number 3 and her healthy respect, let alone her gardening and mothering skills.  Sister number 4 and her joy and enthusiasm with life.  My brother comes next with his unique humor and style.  Sister number 5 adds on the contentment and confidence.  Then of course sister number 6 has always been perfect beyond my ability to understand.  There are traits and beautiful things about each one of these amazing people that I admire so much.  As a kid I used to dream I'd be just like them.  I expected to be, because I was their family.  So I'd inherit these things, right?  But every year I'm reminded that now I'm adult and I still haven't amounted to those things I thought I would.  The biggest thing that seems to run in my family is everybody's innate contentment and resolution to life.  Somehow I skipped that gene.  It takes a lot of work for me to hunker down and get happy about my place in life.

Then I find myself thinking...each one of my siblings has something that stands out as their best quality.  She's good at organizing.  She's good at being positive.  She's supermom and green thumb.  She's fix-it lady and storyteller.  He's the cool, confident quirky one.  She's the cook and awesome mom.  She's the one that's always right.  So......what about me?

I'm the...messy mom with good intentions?

I think the reason I cry after the family reunion every year is because I'm disappointed.  I get so excited to reconnect and never feel like I have reconnected to the extent that I'd be satisfied.  I'm disappointed with myself for not living up to the expectations of who I wanted to become -my siblings.  I'm disappointed that I don't even know what my niche is.  I'm just the youngest.  The observer.  The silent one in conversations that awkwardly speaks up at the wrong time to try to fit in my own story.

People shouldn't compare themselves to other people.  But growing up in a big family of people I've idolized made that really hard for me not to do.  I have lots of good people to compare myself to, and I fall short.

Putting the Lord First

As I said in the last post, things have been rougher over the last month and I couldn't exactly put my finger one what changed since Christmas.  I know, we have been sick and then better and sick again, but it's been more then that to me.  I've just not been as happy or as focused on good things.

Then this weekend I stayed home from church feeling sick and thought to myself that I would still try to think about spiritual things anyway while my family attended church.  But I didn't do much but watch a TV show that was completely unrelated to spiritual things, and quite worldly actually.  At the time I rationalized, but later in the evening I was feeling guilty and sad because I knew I had given up on something better during that day.

The next day, I was still brooding over the way I felt.  I hadn't really be "in touch" like I was before Christmas and I wasn't sure what it was, but I kept wondering to myself if I needed to eliminate watching TV shows like the one I mentioned above altogether.  I kept questioning whether it was really something I should allow, or if it was bad "enough" which I hate thinking about.

I hate looking at everything in the media and trying to figure out what is really too bad or what isn't that bad or what is good enough or really good.  When something is really good, it's obvious and same with when it's really bad.  But the majority of the fun things to indulge in around me are things that are good and enjoyable, but still worldly.  I want to be uplifted, and sometimes I think I am.  But then why was I feeling like this?

I started talking to my husband about the way I felt while we made dinner together that evening.  Then finally it hit me.  It wasn't about whether or not the show was "good enough" or "wasn't that bad", it is about my priorities.  It's about if I am giving up something way better for something that is only "not that bad".  (Like that conference talk not too long ago...Good, Better, Best?)  I realized that what was bothering me was that I hadn't put the Lord first on the Lord's day.  I had shut Him out, and done everyday things.  Yes, I was sick, but it was still the Sabbath.  And if I don't treat the Sabbath as the Sabbath, when else am I going to give Him that quality time?

I took myself into my bedroom to pray.  Of course, the moment I knelt down there was that little passing thought saying "You don't have to pray, He knows already.  Don't waste your time."  But I prayed anyway, and I said I was sorry.  The results from this prayer brought me back to where I want to be.  The spirit returned into my heart and I felt the love in the Lord's forgiveness.  I also felt His approval for these types of activities as long as they aren't taking the place of greater things: like taking care of my family and enriching my spirituality.  Those things should come first.

At that point, I also realized that I had been slacking off on things that I had previously been feeling so passionate about.  I must return to the habit of praying first thing in the morning.  If I put the Lord first in my day, it's easier for me to remember to put Him first throughout the day.  I find myself putting down the Facebook on my phone to read a book to my kids, or playing a conference talk on my computer before turning on Pandora.

It's in those little things that I feel I either feel enriched and happy and spiritual and right or I start to feel blase and lose focus.  It's a very delicate balance in this busy world we live in.  But I am recommitting myself now to put the Lord first every day.

A New Year Begins

Over the last year, I have learned so much!  I'm so grateful for the people and programs that have come into my life over the past year to make me realize how much I had it wrong and how much I could change things to gain more happiness.

Happiness comes from within.  That was the biggest thing I learned this year.  I always knew it.  People had told me this for years.  It was like a cliche I couldn't get away from.  But I never knew how to do it.  I never knew how to create that happiness from within.  Now I do.  That's quite an accomplishment, I'd say!  Happiness comes from within when you truly learn to accept and love yourself.  Look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful" and believe it!  Then, it's going out and letting others enjoy who you are because you're a loveable person.  Giving that love to other people can really make you love yourself even more!  But instead of giving and trying to feel the love from without, it's loving first and then giving and it all expands from there!

I also learned more about hope this year.  I learned that hoping for something is the thread that keeps life moving forward.  All you need is that hope and the day can end and another begins.  I have learned that my Savior loves me.  He has given me everything and can give me more if I just ask.  He will help me with everything and He has the ability to make me strong.  I just have to turn to Him for the strength.  Sometimes it's the turning that's the hardest part.  Just look up!  You'd think it would be an easy thing.

I also learned this year to love my husband (anyway).  :)  I have really grown in this aspect.  I met my husband and I loved him because I love people.  I just do.  I loved him because I love everyone. (No wonder I was so bad at dating! I loved people and couldn't get the difference with anyone special so I'd say "I love you" and get these guys all excited in spite of myself.)  Then I loved him because I felt it was right to marry him.  Then I loved him because he was my husband and it was what I was supposed to do.  Then I denied within myself that it was real love.  Then I kicked myself for giving up on romance.  Then I "loved" him because I had to.  Then I got mad.  I got mad at myself.  I got mad at him.  I think I even got mad at God.  But this year has changed a lot.  This year, I looked at him and remembered the way I felt when we were dating.  I did love him that way!  I had loved him once, and he was still that same person.  He was still the awkward "NCMO" (non-commital make-out) King from college who hunched over his guitar and swung his keys around from his lanyard.  He was just more mature now.  He'd replaced the girls with politics and he replaced the music with sports.  But it was still him.  And I realized I wasn't giving him any credit.  I'd say this is quite the accomplishment for my year too.  I learned that love is not a noun, it's a verb.  I learned that if I don't LOVE my husband (as in, an action verb), then I won't ever love him.  It was a big change in the way I live, and it has changed my level of happiness as well.  Now I feel like I love my husband, not for any of the reasons I've stated before, but I love him because I feel good loving him.  I love him because it's a fun thing to do.  I love him because he deserves it.  I love him because I'm grateful for everything he does for me.  I love him because he's so handsome!  I love him because he's my children's father!  I love him because I'm going to be with him forever!  And forever doesn't sound so bad, actually.  (Especially because after this life, many of our little annoying habits and weaknesses will be much better!)

This year, I have learned to let go of things I cannot control.  I'm learning more about how to deal with the things I can control and trust God.  I have learned that trusting God is the real key to the atonement.  It has helped me to forgive myself.  It has helped me forgive others.  And I have finally been able to put the past firmly in the past!  I no longer stay up nights thinking about that moment in my sophomore high school year, or that day when I was single in college, or that thing I should have said back in my newly-wed days.  It's gone!  And that's such a relief!

Last New Years, I chose one word as my New Years Resolution.  Do you remember what it was?  If you do, I commend you for following my blogs for so long. :)  I'm loved!  :)  Anyway, go back and read that post if you want.  It's short.  Shorter than this one, for sure.  (And I said I wasn't going to have any long posts on this blog....sighs.)  My word for last year was "Whisper" and I think I've gotten SO MUCH better about keeping my voice down with my kids.  I'm far from perfect about it, of course.  But I'm much better.  I don't think I sat and acted like a three-year-old this year.  Maybe once. :)

But I've also gotten better at listening to that Whisper of the spirit.  It has blessed me so much!  Yet another huge lesson I have learned this year!  How to recognize the voice of the spirit and differentiate it from other voices.  I never realized those other voices were even out there! (Thus, the confusion on my listening to the spirit in the past!)  But they are!  The biggest key to listening to the spirit that I have found is this: It's light.  God is light.  Christ is light.  The spirit wouldn't feel heavy, like a brick on my chest trying to get me to do something.  Oh no.  It feels light and as though a burden is lifted from me.  So I started practicing following that light feeling and every time I felt the heaviness creeping up on me, (for example, when I would feel the impulse to be online to waste time) I would turn from it and do something better.  It has made an amazing difference!  Not only do I feel better because I'm making better choices in my daily life, but I'm finding it easier to follow that spirit because I'm actually listening!  Da-da-da DUM!!!  :)  It's been a wonderful thing.

So a New Year has begun.  2013 is upon us and I'm once again contemplating what to choose as my one little word for this year.

I've chosen "Serve" as my New Years Resolution One Little Word.  At the end of 2012, I had a new neighbor move in nearby and it gave me all kinds of opportunities to service.  I let her borrow my vacuum, I helped her unpack into her kitchen, I helped her decorate her kitchen, I stayed to lock up for her during an emergency, I babysat her little boy, I did her dishes, I took her breakfast, I invited her over for dinner, I helped her unpack her little boy's bedroom, I put him to bed for her when her other child was sick and she was busy with her, I've sat with her, I've chatted with her, I've accepted her completely, I've found we have so much in common, and I'm her friend.  From the very beginning, I was drawn to her spiritually.  I was becoming addicted to the beautiful feeling that overwhelmed me as I served her.  I kept finding more opportunities to do so.  And the fierce loyalty between us now is a wonderful reward.  It also brought that special Christmas spirit into my heart in a way I have never felt before.

So over the next year, I play to focus on this one little word.  I'm going to look for more opportunities for me to serve others.  Whether it is in my own home or elsewhere.  I want to keep this special spirit with me.   I want to remember it all throughout the year.

Another new tradition I decided to start is this thing I saw on Facebook.  So I have a jar on my piano now that is marked "Happy Happenings of 2013" and I plan to fill it with little papers containing happy things that happen throughout the year and so we can read and reminisce during next New Years.  I'm pretty excited about it.  So far I've cheated a little and placed the two movie tickets from New Years Eve inside (technically not 2013 but oh well).  We saw Les Miserable together and it was incredible!  Happy New Year, everyone!

(Yes, I'm finally finishing up this insanely long post!)

I Can Dream

Too often when we get married ... or maybe it's when we have children, we lose ourselves in that role.  I'm a wife now.  I'm a mother now.  Somehow being a mother makes us decide everything else doesn't matter at all and we forget our dreams.  We forget who we were once.

I started thinking about the things my husband wants and my kids need or want.  It's good to care about these things.  They are important things to care about.  It's good to value what other people want.  But don't lose yourself in it!  I got to the point where I would feel guilty for buying a bottle of fingernail polish for $2 because it wasn't important enough.  It was a waste of money.  I had to ask my husband's permission first.  Was it him that made me feel this way?  No, it was me.

Although it is not right to completely and selfishly disavow responsibilities for dreams, it is ok to dream!  It really is.

So sit down and remember who you were before you were married.  Remember what you cared about, what you dreamed about every day.  Remember what you aspired for.

Before I was married, I loved to sing.  I liked doing my hair.  I liked being with people and learning from them.  I wanted to write a book.  I wanted to be a mother someday, but I also wanted to travel.  I wanted to see Paris.  I wanted to see Prince Edwards' Island.  I wanted to meet celebrities.  I loved art.  I wanted to create it, but felt I couldn't do it well enough.  I loved climbing our willow trees.  I loved dreaming about love and romance.  I liked creating heartfelt gifts for other people.  I liked going places with friends.  I had a curiosity for being rebellious but never really was.  I admired rebels. :)  I liked to drive.  Just drive until I got lost and then found myself again.

That's still me.  I can still dream about these things.  Of course, I shouldn't strive for those dreams at the expense of what is most important to me, my family, but I can still dream of these things and remember who I am.  I can still remember what I used to care about, even if my husband doesn't care about those things so much.  It's ok to do that.  It's not selfish.

So go write down the things you value and dream about.  Just you.  Not what your kids like.  Not what your husband wants.  Just what you want.  It's ok to buy that bottle of fingernail polish once in a while.  It's ok to dream.

Loving Me

I had a conversation yesterday that really opened my eyes to the way I look at myself and my life.  I've heard commonly the cliche that (and I'm using quotations very loosely) "If you don't love yourself first, others can't love you and you can't love others." and I knew this was true.  But until yesterday I never really took it in completely.


Here's an example for you (that may sound familiar, because it's not uncommon).  For the sake of ease, let's call this woman Rachel.  Rachel doesn't feel love toward herself.  So she's constantly trying to find love from others outside herself.  She gives to others, trying to be a selfless person, but it never seems like what she does is really appreciated.  She wants to love other people.  She tries to do services for others, but it never makes her happy because it never seems like other people return her services.  It doesn't even seem like what she does is appreciated.  She then tells herself she must just be unlovable.  Rachel goes through life feeling like she can't be loved.  She looks in the mirror and thinks she could be pretty but she can't think that about herself because it would be selfish.  She won't take compliments because there is no way any of the compliments could be true.  People are just saying those things to make her feel better.

Sound familiar?  Maybe Rachel is like someone you know.  Or maybe Rachel is like you.

I really feel bad for Rachel.  I pity her because she is trying so hard!   But she never can REALLY love others and she never can REALLY be loved by others.  She can't.  Because she doesn't love herself.

Yesterday, I was getting ready for the day after this conversation I had, and I looked at myself and thought, It's OK to like myself!  It's OK to LOVE myself!  I CAN think I am beautiful, and I can be proud of the way I look and who I am!  In fact, doing this is BETTER!  Feeling this way about me won't make other people think I'm cocky or mean.  Feeling love for myself doesn't bring others down, but it will lift others up!  It will actually help others to love me!  It will help me to love others!

It felt so freeing to look at myself and think this way.  It feels so good to say "I love me!" and mean it.  Really loving myself, feeling that glow inside for myself, helps me feel that glow inside for others.  It helps me to want to just give to others and love them, no matter what they do in return.  No matter how others feel, I can be happy!  Because I love me!