Beginning to Understand the Atonement

I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting on the atonement this past Sunday...for seven minutes.  I found this to be a challenge because how could I even begin to introduce the atonement in such a short time.  However, I felt inspired as I prepared to speak, and afterward when I had people come forward to express their appreciation for my talk I'm glad I did it.  I just know there could have been so much more to say. :)

But I thought I would go ahead and post a summary of my talk here for you.

When I told my husband the bishop had asked me to speak on the atonement, he told me, "You'll do fine.  You've got plenty of experience."  And I said, "Thanks....I think."  But in all seriousness, he's right.  I do have plenty of experience using the atonement because I've got problems.  But who doesn't?  Everyone needs the atonement and if you haven't used it yet, you need it too.  But most of us have heard that before.  We know we need to use the atonement, but how do we do it?

Many of us have heard of the steps of repentance before.  I like to think put things into analogies and metaphors in order to better understand them, so let's talk about doing dishes and breaking a plate.  So the sin is I broke the plate.  The first step is to recognize that and take responsibility.  "I broke this plate."  No excuses.  It was no one else's fault.  It wasn't because of anything else.  My hand slipped.  Perhaps it was the water.  But the reasons don't matter.  "I did it."  Sometimes this is the hardest step to take.  But I'll get into that further in a minute.  Next we must feel sad about what we've done.  "I'm sorry that I broke the plate because it was a nice plate."  Then we forsake the sin. "I won't brake any more plates."  And confess the sin, "Mom (or whoever else) I broke this plate."  Then make restitution.

Making restitution is the reason I use the broken plate analogy with my boys.  If one hurts his brother, he has to do more then say he's sorry.  I often tell him, "The plate is still broken."  You can apologize all you want, but until you make restitution for your mistake, nothing changes and nothing gets fixed.  You have to find some glue and put the plate back together the best you can.  Of course, the plate won't ever be the same, but the effort of making things better means a lot more then just saying you're sorry.  So you need to make an honest effort to fixing what you've done.

After this, you forgive yourself and you forgive others.  Lastly, you continue to keep the commandments.  If you break the plate again, it all starts over, and that plate would be a lot harder to mend.

I think when contemplating these steps of repentance, the first part gets skipped over sometimes but I feel like that first step can be the hardest part.  It can be very difficult to first recognize our sins and shortcomings, not because we don't know right from wrong, but because bad habits sometimes become somehow precious to us and hard to let go.  So in order to keep them, we hide them even from ourselves.  The natural man within us makes excuses and justifications for our behavior to satisfy our conscience and deny our own guilt.  Because really looking at our own imperfections can be painfult.  It hurts to take responsibility.  But there is a purpose in that pain.

Our body feels physical pain to warn us.  It's like our body is telling us, "Stop.  Don't do that."  The same with spiritual pain.  Our spirit is warning us, "Stop!  Don't do that again!"  We also have to remember that there is godly sorrow and then there is worldy sorrow.  Godly sorrow is feeling guilty for a wrongdoing, whereas worldy sorrow is when we feel shame for self.  Only godly sorrow is the Lord's way to heal.

The first step to be completely honest with ourselves is about swallowing pride and accepting the fact that we are not perfect and that we have a problem we need help fixing because we cannot overcome our problems on our own.  One of Satan's biggest lies is when we tell ourselves we're fine.  We can do it on our own.  We don't need help.  The truth is, we need the Lord's help and He's always there to help us!

As Ammon puts it in Alma 26:11-12, "I know I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things."  If we humble ourselves and realize we are powerless against our sins and bad habits, we find that we must put our faith and trust in the Lord's help to give us the help we need.

One way I've learned to begin to use the atonement in my everyday life is by keeping a journal daily and studying the scriptures daily to really give myself an honest reflection of my life.  How am I doing?  Every day I ask myself this question.  I look at both the good and bad in my life to find patterns in my behavior and so I can find my strengths and my weaknesses and how I define myself.  Also, by praying to the Lord he will help you recognize things you need to acknowledge.  He will help you with one at a time.

When we are talking about our own nothingness we also need to acknowledge our great worth.  In order to illustrate this concept better, I compare myself to a little child, and the Lord to our earthly parents.  A child must rely on his parents for everything.  That child learns how to take care of himself through his parents.  He must rely on his parents to provide him food, shelter and safety, and to teach him everything he needs to know in order to live his life.  In this way, the child is nothing compared to his parent.  He is powerless.  But in the eyes of his parent, that child has worth that stretches beyond what words can express.  This is how I must see myself in comparison with the Lord.  I am nothing as in my abilities, my knowledge, or my power.  But I am still worth so much to Him and I know He loves me more then words.

After acknowledging the sin, feeling sorry and forsaking the sin sometimes follows quite naturally.  If they don't, they can be prayed for.  The other step I wanted to focus a little attention on is confessing.  I can be one thing to acknowledge our sin to ourselves, and the next hardest is to admit it to another person.

President Spencer W. Kimball said: "Repentance can never come until one has bared his soul and admitted his actions without excuses or rationalizations.  Those persons who choose to meet the issue and transform their lives may find repentance the harder road at first, but they will find it the infinitely more desirable path as they taste of its fruits."  After confession, there is no longer anything to hide.  It's our outward demonstration to our inward commitment to give away our sins.

I read recently in the book called Hard Questions, Prophetic Answers by Daniel K. Judd, that often in temple recommend interviews members find it hard to answer the question of whether they are worthy.  Often people respond with something like "I have a lot of weaknesses and I am far from perfect, but I guess I feel okay about answering yes to the question."

The book reads:  "I am always touched by the sincerity and humility of their reply, but I generally probe just a little to make sure they understand the doctrine of the atonement of Christ.  If they understand that doctrine, have accepted Christ, and are sincerely trying to follow Him, they have no need to be shy about declaring their worthiness, because worthiness is so much more about "the righteousness of the Redeemer" than it is about us.  ...The Savior as our advocate with the Father will indeed plead our cause, but instead of putting forth our personal righteousness as evidence of our worthiness to enter the celestial kingdom, He will declare that the righteousness that allows us to enter therein is HIS righteousness--not ours.  We can claim His righteousness as our own by taking upon ourselves His name, always remembering Him, and keeping His commandments, for we must realize that 'it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do."

I really liked that perspective that when we are being asked about our worthiness, if we are taking advantage of His atonement, we can claim His worthiness as our own, and rely on Him.

To close, I want to share this quote I thought of after further contemplating the atonement.  It's from Bruce C. Hafen in April 1990.

"Some church members feel weighed down with discouragement about the circumstances of their personal lives, even when they are making sustained and admirable efforts.  Frequently, these feelings of self-disappointment come not from wrongdoing, but from stresses and troubles for which we may not be fully to blame.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ applies to these experiences because it applies to all of life.  The Savior can wipe away all our tears, after all we can do...The Savior's Atonement is...the healing power not only for sin, but also for carelessness, inadequacy, and all mortal bitterness.  The Atonement is not just for sinners."

I testify that the atonement is real.  I have felt its power in my own life.  I also testify that I know that when I am actively turning toward my Savior in my daily life and relying on His power and influence to guide me, I am strengthened in ways I cannot explain in any other way but that the Lord takes away my burden.  And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Escaping My Nevers

Things get so busy during the summer I haven't posted as much, but I had some deep thought lately I thought would be post worthy.

As you may have gathered already, I am prone to self-evaluation and examination on a regular basis.  Sometimes this gets to the point of obsession and some people would probably see it as a bit exhausting.  But it's what I do because it's who I am.  I've seen it in personality types, actually.  So I was once again thinking about the way I think.  Which sounds incredibly dull but it's not, it's pretty deep.

I realized in recent months that I am a dreamer in more then just the sense of the words.  Usually when one says "I am a dreamer." People take it as a positive thing, like someone who has a great imagination or someone who thinks big things and does them.  But I haven't been that kind of dreamer.  I am trying to become that kind of dreamer because I see that kind of dreamer as much more healthy then the way I have been for the majority of my life.  I don't dream about what ifs.  I don't dream about somedays.  I found that throughout my life I've dreamed about alter-realities that I think of as nevers.  Because I have accepted within myself these dreams are nevers, I sort of contented myself with a lesser reality and escaped my reality by dreaming.

I recently read a phrase posted on Facebook that said: Your imagination should be used not to escape reality, but to create it.
True dat.

I looked back on my life as a hopeless dreamer and realized something rather tragic.  Because I dreamed in this way, I gave up on reality ever being at all dreamy.  I gave up the hope of a realistic romance or an amazing life.  I told myself things like that only happened on television or only happened to other people.  So of course they never happened to me.  This mindset made me settle so hard in real life and then I would live in my dreams because that was where I felt happy.  But it wasn't real, and I wasn't really happy.  So my depression grew with my disappointment with the gap between real life and my dreams.  But whoever told me my dreams weren't realistic?  Why didn't I think I was good enough for the dream-boat dark and tall to sweep me off my feet?  I think I saw opportunities sometimes and let them pass by because those things don't happen to me.  This mindset really messed up my dating life back in the day.

Over the last year or so I have been focusing on the real more.  I've escaped the dreaming for a while and it's like my head has been lifted out of the deep water.  I took a stroll down the street this summer and it felt like I was seeing my neighborhood clearly for the first time.  I'd walked down that street multiple times in past years but I always did it in a fog of dreams.  I also wasn't taking advantage of my children realistically either.  Instead of seeing the blessings right before my eyes I was dreaming about the blessings I felt I never realistically could have.

Then I opened my eyes to the reality of my blessings.  I am married to a great guy who not only helps cook and clean when he gets home, but he's incredibly responsible and a hard-worker and he cares deeply about me and our children even if he can't express it sometimes in the way I wish he would.  Men are being shaped into emotional cripples...it's an epidemic that must be stopped.  I could write a whole other post on that, but I'll stop there.  I love my husband.  When I get my head out of the clouds of alter-reality and nevers, I find the nows and the this-is-happenings and realize what I have been SO taking for granted like an idiot.

I am also the mother of some great little boys.  I thought I was investing everything into my children as a good mother should.  I feel guilty all the time as most mothers would because every single day something is not done that should be.  But I've got to learn that the list of to-dos and to-dones will always be lop-sided and priorities must be variable and what I didn't get done today can always be done tomorrow.  And life doesn't end because of my not-done-yet list.  What is most important is that I watch my kids in the now.  I see them today because of course everyone knows the cliche, tomorrow comes too soon.  But the first step is opening my eyes and stop dreaming about nevers because with my kids the possibilities are endless and I know of one never to embrace: I NEVER want my kids to think of their dreams as nevers!

This world I live in is a beautiful place with lots of good.  I'm going to start seeing it for how it truly is, because dreams are founded upon realities.  People really do great things.  Great things really do happen to good people.  Instead of losing myself in my dreams I can work for my dreams to be realities.  I'm going to create and stop escaping.  Because honestly what's real is too good to try to escape.

Just Venting This Time...Well, as Much as I Can

It's been quite the journey for me since I started this blog. I look back and can remind myself of things I've learned.  Because then I have to again...relearn, and relearn again.  I guess that's where the "Repeat" comes in on the title of this blog.  I'm not perfect. Far from it.

It's the reason I need all of this stuff.  Because I am not perfect, I have to rely on the Lord so much.  I have to really put in the effort every single day, to put Him first and to rely on his guidance.  If I don't my day goes to mush.

I'm the type of person who talks about everything I'm going through.  I talk it out and it sorts out my thoughts and feelings.  But lately it feels like I can't do that as much.  Lately, I have been realizing some things I can't just tell people.  Some people shouldn't be told things.  I'm not usually one to hold it in.  I don't like keeping my own secrets.  Other people's business is their own and it's not mine to tell, but my own secrets are another matter to me.  I'd rather just lay it all out there and be completely honest and open with everyone I meet and if they don't like it, it hurts, but I'd rather they knew me.  I'd rather know what they really think of me.

But lately I can't do that.  It's not mine to tell, as much, I guess.  That's the problem.  But I'm so connected with it I want to talk about things.  I want to blurt my pains and feelings out to the world and sort things out.  I need a friend to talk to.  I want to just cry, but I don't want to cry alone.

The only one I can really put my trust in is the Lord.  My savior is the only one.  The scriptures say I shouldn't rely on the arm of the flesh, and this includes friends, my spouse, my family even;...the world has it wrong.

It seems like every time everything is going wonderfully something has to happen to make it crash down.  Balance in trials and blessings I guess.

The point is, I have to keep going.  I have to stay strong.  I have to take care of my own spiritual place.  I have to keep praying and studying the scriptures to get through this.

I Can Dream

Too often when we get married ... or maybe it's when we have children, we lose ourselves in that role.  I'm a wife now.  I'm a mother now.  Somehow being a mother makes us decide everything else doesn't matter at all and we forget our dreams.  We forget who we were once.

I started thinking about the things my husband wants and my kids need or want.  It's good to care about these things.  They are important things to care about.  It's good to value what other people want.  But don't lose yourself in it!  I got to the point where I would feel guilty for buying a bottle of fingernail polish for $2 because it wasn't important enough.  It was a waste of money.  I had to ask my husband's permission first.  Was it him that made me feel this way?  No, it was me.

Although it is not right to completely and selfishly disavow responsibilities for dreams, it is ok to dream!  It really is.

So sit down and remember who you were before you were married.  Remember what you cared about, what you dreamed about every day.  Remember what you aspired for.

Before I was married, I loved to sing.  I liked doing my hair.  I liked being with people and learning from them.  I wanted to write a book.  I wanted to be a mother someday, but I also wanted to travel.  I wanted to see Paris.  I wanted to see Prince Edwards' Island.  I wanted to meet celebrities.  I loved art.  I wanted to create it, but felt I couldn't do it well enough.  I loved climbing our willow trees.  I loved dreaming about love and romance.  I liked creating heartfelt gifts for other people.  I liked going places with friends.  I had a curiosity for being rebellious but never really was.  I admired rebels. :)  I liked to drive.  Just drive until I got lost and then found myself again.

That's still me.  I can still dream about these things.  Of course, I shouldn't strive for those dreams at the expense of what is most important to me, my family, but I can still dream of these things and remember who I am.  I can still remember what I used to care about, even if my husband doesn't care about those things so much.  It's ok to do that.  It's not selfish.

So go write down the things you value and dream about.  Just you.  Not what your kids like.  Not what your husband wants.  Just what you want.  It's ok to buy that bottle of fingernail polish once in a while.  It's ok to dream.

Loving Me

I had a conversation yesterday that really opened my eyes to the way I look at myself and my life.  I've heard commonly the cliche that (and I'm using quotations very loosely) "If you don't love yourself first, others can't love you and you can't love others." and I knew this was true.  But until yesterday I never really took it in completely.


Here's an example for you (that may sound familiar, because it's not uncommon).  For the sake of ease, let's call this woman Rachel.  Rachel doesn't feel love toward herself.  So she's constantly trying to find love from others outside herself.  She gives to others, trying to be a selfless person, but it never seems like what she does is really appreciated.  She wants to love other people.  She tries to do services for others, but it never makes her happy because it never seems like other people return her services.  It doesn't even seem like what she does is appreciated.  She then tells herself she must just be unlovable.  Rachel goes through life feeling like she can't be loved.  She looks in the mirror and thinks she could be pretty but she can't think that about herself because it would be selfish.  She won't take compliments because there is no way any of the compliments could be true.  People are just saying those things to make her feel better.

Sound familiar?  Maybe Rachel is like someone you know.  Or maybe Rachel is like you.

I really feel bad for Rachel.  I pity her because she is trying so hard!   But she never can REALLY love others and she never can REALLY be loved by others.  She can't.  Because she doesn't love herself.

Yesterday, I was getting ready for the day after this conversation I had, and I looked at myself and thought, It's OK to like myself!  It's OK to LOVE myself!  I CAN think I am beautiful, and I can be proud of the way I look and who I am!  In fact, doing this is BETTER!  Feeling this way about me won't make other people think I'm cocky or mean.  Feeling love for myself doesn't bring others down, but it will lift others up!  It will actually help others to love me!  It will help me to love others!

It felt so freeing to look at myself and think this way.  It feels so good to say "I love me!" and mean it.  Really loving myself, feeling that glow inside for myself, helps me feel that glow inside for others.  It helps me to want to just give to others and love them, no matter what they do in return.  No matter how others feel, I can be happy!  Because I love me!

Aware That the Lord Is Aware

On Friday, we decided to ride our bikes to school.  Jameson started kindergarten that week and it was the first day all week that didn't have the sun blaring down in scorching heat.  So we got our gear together (the littlies riding in my bike trailer) and rode our bikes to school.  Livin' the dream! :)  He left his little two-wheeler outside with the pile of bicycles from other kids and went in with an excited grin.  I have been so happy with the way he's transitioned to this new way of life.  Actually, yesterday his uncle asked him about how starting kindergarten felt and told him he saw his picture from his first day of school and he replied with, "Oh, that was back when I was little."  :)  A week ago.  Kindergarten really makes you grow up, I guess.

Anyway, in the afternoon, it started drizzling.  I knew it might be a little rainy that day but I would take riding my bike in the rain far over riding my bike in the scorching sun!  So I didn't let it bother me too much.  I left early to be sure I was there on time and rode in a slight drizzle.  But as soon as I got to the school, it came down in buckets.  We took shelter in between the front doors until it let up right before the bell rang for Jameson to get out of school.  (Good thing I left early, right?)  We then headed back for home.  By this time, Jimmy had texted me letting me know he got home early.  I texted back asking if he wanted to rescue us, but he missed the text somehow.  In any case, we didn't need rescuing, we were being watched over.  As soon as we made it home, strapped the younger littlies out of the bike trailer and got in the house, it came down again just as it had before.

Coincidence?

Well, I've been reading this book lately, Embracing Coincidence by Carol Lynn Pearson, in which she relays many small stories of ways the Lord can touch her life or teach her little lessons or give her reminders every day in just little synchronicities or coincidences.  Since I'd been reading her cute little stories, I thought this was one example in my own life of a tender mercy shown to me by the Lord.  I think these things are often taken for granted.  So many things happen every day without our noticing.  I decided to notice more often.  So I began paying attention more carefully after that.

We were leaving for the long holiday weekend to go visit my sister.  So we got everything ready and headed out about 5:30.  On the way out of town we saw a big hawk dive down in front of the car.  It was beautiful and daring.  Simply breathtaking.  I took note of it.  Later as we were nearing the freeway, it happened again!  Another hawk, a little larger then the first, dove down in front of the car in almost the exact fashion.  I thought, wow.  That's quite the synchronicity.  But I wasn't sure what the message behind these hawks might be.  Perhaps they were reminders for me to watch the road and drive carefully.  That thought felt boring to me, so I kept trying to think up some other reason these hawks were putting on their show.  Because then after we were on the freeway, we were stuck in traffic (and of course I didn't stress out about it- remember my last post?) because of an accident up ahead and there it was!  A third hawk was flying along to the left of our car in the stop and go traffic.  It would sore to a great height and just hover there in the air as though it were suspended on a string.  I sat in awe to watch it and was grateful for the moment to be stuck in traffic at a standstill so we could watch the hawk do its tricks.  Still, I wasn't sure what kind of message I could gain from this beautiful synchronicity, so I kept paying attention.

The rest of the trip went on normally.  We stopped to get sandwiches from Arby's for dinner, and continued on.  Before we knew it, the sun had gone down and we were getting off the freeway.  I went to the allotted corner and turned to drive down the little road out into the countryside next to the town.  My sister lived a short way out of town.  There's a little blue building along the way which has longtime memories for me.  My grandparents also live down this road an have for generations.  The little blue building is the electric building where my grandfather worked and I remember always pointing it out in my childhood when we were excited that we were nearly there after the long roadtrip.

As I was approaching the blue building, I suddenly felt a small panicky feeling inside that told me I was driving too fast.  I was still in "freeway mode" and had begun to speed so I looked down at the speedometer and began to slow carefully.  But in the next moment, I looked up and noticed a long trail of lights to my right a short distance away.  I was approaching the intersection where the blue building stood on the corner and a semi truck was coming fast on the road perpendicular to mine.  The feeling increased as I realized this truck was not slowing!  He was approaching his stop sign with as much speed as I was approaching my throughway.  I had already begun to slow, but I had no idea how I would be able to stop.  I know I made some kind of explanation as we neared the intersection but I can't remember what it was.  I only remember coming to a halt just in time to see the semi whip it's way past in front of us, and I still have no idea how I stopped in time.

I was melted to the seat with my heart throbbing in my toes and my throat choking on air.  Somehow, we were still alive and unharmed.  I inched at about 25 to 30 miles per hour the rest of the way, thanking the Lord we were ok.

In the moment, I could only think about the moment.  But afterward I was given more understanding.  In an event like this, every second counts.  If I hadn't noticed I was speeding and slowed down to begin with, it would have been too late.  My entire little family was in that vehicle and any other result...well, the very thought makes me cringe away and I cannot imagine.

I am so grateful for the awareness of the Lord in my life.  I know it wasn't just me.  The story doesn't end here.

Yesterday as we were getting ready to leave my sister's and head home, my youngest littlie and baby boy nudged a 4 by 6 mirror and it felt right on him, shattering to pieces.  I was calm, but my sister felt it necessary to take him in to be checked for glass and I agreed that it would be the best thing to do.  He only ended up with a few superficial scratches on his head, face, and hand.  They appear almost like cat scratches, but finer.  There was one wider mark on his head that they ex-rayed to be sure there was no glass and all was well.  We noticed later that he had been next to the coffee table and must have fell flat down and so the mirror hit the table first and broke there to shower him with bits of glass.  He he had been between the table and the mirror, it would have been much worse.  Again, I am so grateful it was the way it was.

My sister told me stories, and I'm sure anyone reading this has their own, of people who have died in random ways.  Getting caught in just the right way between two solid objects or hit in just the right spot to be fatal.  So it goes both ways.  We talk about how sometimes these sad circumstances that end in deaths are just such flukes it's incredible.  However, we are so fragile in this life!  The fluke isn't that any of us die, it is that we are all still alive!  That's the fluke!  In every day of our lives, in every moment, there are things that could kill us.  We are fragile beings in this world that are faced with close calls at every tern.  That may seem to sound kind of paranoid, but it's not.  Because I know the reason why I am still alive.  I know the reason why we are all kept alive in this world.  And that reason is because there is someone all-knowing and all-loving who is watching over us.  When it is our time to go, it will be our time.

I know my time wasn't yesterday.  I don't know when my time may be.  So for the moment, I am going to live in this fragile life in a way that I know I will be proud of and in a way I won't have regrets.  I'm going to forgive a little quicker.  I'm going to allow a little more.  I'm going to smile longer.  I'm going to hold my children closer.  Because every moment is a blessing.  And I am so grateful for the Lord's protection in these moments.

Stuck in Traffic

Have you ever been stuck at a stand-still on the freeway?

How did you react?

Were you alone and booming the radio, muscles tense for action when nothing is happening?  Did you have a car full of sweaty impatient people tapping your shoulder telling you to go when you have no way to obey their orders?  Did you have a bunch of whiny thirsty kids repeating the sing-song "Are we there yet?" at the top of their lungs?

Well, let me tell you a story.

We took a long trip recently up through Idaho, Oregon, back through Idaho to Montana, and then back to Utah.  It was a long trip and we had three small children the entire time.  Guess what happened?  We got stuck in traffic in the middle of the desert in southwestern Idaho.  Nowhere to go.  We sat there wondering what to do and then something happened.

People got out of their cars.  They were conversing around us, having a good ol' time, being friendly and making the best of the situation.  One of them was a trucker and probably found out through his radio what the hold-up was.  The man from the car in front of us came to our window and told us there had been a chemical spill up ahead and the wait would probably be a couple of hours.

What would you do?

He informed us that he knew a back road off the last exit we passed and was going to go back to it and we were welcome to follow him.  So we followed him driving along the median against traffic until we could cross over to the opposite side to continue back toward the last exit and then followed him through some small towns to get back to the freeway.

It was so kind of this man.  And a positive experience!  How often do we have horrible experiences because of traffic?  Let me tell you, I can't imagine something like this happening in Utah.  Everyone is too bent on where they need to be and how someone else offended them personally because they needed to get into their lane.  "How DARE they get right in front of me when I can't go anywhere anyway!"

Come on, people.

Makes me miss the laid back friendly attitude people can have in smaller places.  It's why Idaho is that way - most places in Idaho are small.  Well, everywhere is small compared to other states.  Anyway, it just made me realize how much we freak out about little things.  When these little things can actually turn into something fun if we just have a good attitude about them.  Try it.

I also was thinking about how this could be a metaphor for all life.  Sometimes we want to get somewhere, and get there fast.  Sometimes we hit something that gets in our way and then we have a choice.  We can just sit there and whine, we can throw a fit, we can stress every muscle in our bodies until we're sore, or we can take a deep breath and look around for something worthwhile.  Some things are just beyond our control.  Like being stuck in traffic.  And when something is beyond your control, there is nothing you can do about it, and pouting never helps anyone.  So using these people from my experience as an example: what did they find to do that was worthwhile?  They looked around and saw there were other people on the road who were also stuck.  Instead of glaring and trying to inch ahead of the next guy (with no real meaning to it anyway) they got out of their cars and took a moment to get to know each other, make friends, and uplift.  The man in front of my car even took the time to help us.

So when I'm "stuck in traffic" in my life, instead of getting depressed and self-involved, maybe I should look around at the other people around me and find out that there are opportunities everywhere to help other people.  And maybe if I step out of my own world for a moment I will realize how insignificant my problems really are.  Maybe I'll step out of my "vehicle" to talk to, uplift, or help another person, and turn around and see that it's just that.  A vehicle.  Stuck in traffic.  For a moment.  And that moment is my opportunity.  I should take advantage of it.

In the Middle

I recently read this talk by Uchtdorf and I thought it was amazing timing for me.

I had just had a conversation a couple weeks ago with my sister about our minds being present, and therefore wise.  She said a counselor told her that we live in different minds at different times.  There's our emotional mind (when we ride a roller coaster or are in some way emotionally involved), and our logical mind (when we are balancing our checkbook or in some way concentrated on logic).  Then there is our wise mind.  This is when we are using both our emotional mind and our logical mind.  It was sorta hard for me to think of an example.  She asked me when there is a time that I am both emotional and logical and I finally thought of when I go to play the piano.  I am logically thinking about how to play, but also emotionally involved in the music and just letting go.  It's a relief.  I go there to enter my wise mind.  I go there to be present and let go of everything else.

She told me we can be there all the time.  All we have to do is focus on the now.  Any moment.  Driving in the car, instead of worrying about the future, or regretting the past, think about now.  Focus on the temperature at the moment, how your body feels, what the steering wheel feels like in your hands, and then you are in the moment.  Or in the middle of a crazy day with the kids, start thinking about the moment.  This is the stage my kids are in right now.  This is what they are learning right now.  Suddenly I feel more grateful for my life.  Suddenly I am entering the eternal perspective and forgetting the things that are not as important.  I'm also forgetting to worry about things beyond my control.  It forces me to be more connected with things in my control and let go of things that the Lord will take care of for me.

Be present.

As Uchtdorf quotes in his talk, "Forever--- is composed of Nows." Emily Dickenson

One Little Word

So I've been thinking a lot about the new year.  Of course, my priorities are getting fixed after the semester of crazy and I'm going to try to focus on the more important things this year.  My family is at the top.  I'm going to try to live it up with Jameson around as much as possible because he'll be starting kindergarten in the fall and then...well...he'll grow up even faster!  So I'm going to treasure the moments right now.

That being said, if I wrote down EVERYTHING in a list of New Year's Resolutions, I would get overwhelmed quickly.  So besides getting my priorities straight, I thought I would do this one little word thing.

I stole this idea from my cousin.

She got it here.

So what's my one little word?

WHISPER

 I've been working on getting my sub-teaching certification for my new job and it is talking a lot about positive reinforcement and such.  This stuff works on your own kids, it says.  Of course it does, if I can keep myself under control in my own home.  People say kids behave the worst for their parents.  Well, you know what the reason for that is, I think?  The parents have to deal with these kids all the time and their patience gets warn out so they reinforce bad behavior by acknowledging the bad more then the good, and frankly acting just as bad themselves!

I am feeling more and more like a little kid throwing a tantrum lately whenever I let my temper get the better of me or I lose patience.  So I'm going to practice taking a deep breath and talking even QUIETER whenever I feel like yelling.

This goal began yesterday morning.

I yelled yesterday.

Let's hope I do better today.  But, really, my goal is for the whole year!  I'm posting this here to remind me that by next New Years, I should be doing pretty well with this word.

WHISPER

And then I can choose a new word.  If I've failed by next New Years, well, I'll have to keep it.  So let's hope I get past it and can move on to something else by then.  Or next year, my post might be kinda boring. :)


ALSO!  Another way this word can be applied is by thinking about spiritual things too.  If I'm quieter, what will I be able to hear more of that I couldn't pay attention to before?

Happy New Year everyone!

Getting Past That Wall

Sometimes when trying to receive inspiration or revelation, whatever you'd like to call it, you might hit a wall. And it's invisible. You don't even know there's a wall there, so you continue to smack into it over and over again until you finally think, "Oh!" and decide walking AROUND might better. Yeah.

This is what I've done lately.

I'm returning to school this fall and have been stressing (morbidly) over daycare arrangements. My two oldest weren't a problem. I was just trying so hard to keep my baby at the campus daycare which could only watch him half the time I needed.

What soon ensued? Hair-raising, scream-inducing, tear-overflowing, maddening stress. Should I also bother mentioning that little thing called postpartum depression that I've been trying to avoid?

I tried finding people I trust who might be on campus at that time. I tried going through the ward, going through friends, and I was about to go through the single's wards down on campus to see if there was someone there (who I didn't know). I had nightmares about baby snatchers.

Finally...I noticed the wall I've been insanely bumping into, causing headaches (which turned out to be self-induced).

Let me tell you a story.

My mom bought a new house when I was a pre-teen. The only thing she didn't like so much was that there was this wall separating the kitchen from the front room. Those two places need to be more unified these days because people eat so much in this world. And because of this, there's always someone stuck in the kitchen to prepare food (usually mom) and why shouldn't this person be involved in the conversations going on too?

Also, this wall used to have a stove attached that had a chimney. It had been removed, leaving an ugly scar on the wall that needed patching. My mom worked and worked for hours and hours on that patch on the wall trying to make it look better. Hours. Days.

Finally she realized - hey! I don't want this wall here anyway! And they tore it out.

Sometimes we get so focused and stubborn about one thing, we go to great lengths to keep it there. It can cause all kinds of complications and make our life so hard. But until we realize it's all for that one little thing and it's ok to let that little thing go, we're stuck behind that wall.

My wall? Not being willing to use a dang bottle for a couple hours.

The thought hadn't even seriously occurred to me. I've never used a bottle. Nothing against those who do, I just never had the need to do so or wanted to for that matter. But would it hurt for me to pump a few hours on only two days a week? No. So now it's all been settled and he can be taken care of. That's what is most important.

So when you're in some kind of stressful predicament, take a step back. You may just be beating against a wall that doesn't need to be there at all.

The Right Perspective

Today I contemplated about married life and single life in a different way then I ever have before.

When I got married, I sadly said goodbye to single life. I don't know why I was sad and felt I'd miss being single because being single was never so wonderful to me. I hardly had the chance to enjoy it with all the hideous relationships I had with people I shouldn't have had relationships with. I thought of being single as the fun days I would miss out on more then the ones I'd miss because I hadn't really had it the way I wanted it. I envisioned being single and confident and enjoying myself. Then, being married, I thought of that alter-reality of "what-ifs" as though being single was glorified in my mind and wished for.

Today I looked at it differently. I realistically thought about what my life would be like today if I had never gotten married. I wouldn't be having a blast, free and fun, confident and dating all the time. I would most likely be a lonely sad girl who wished for more attention then she was getting and therefore finding herself in more hideous relationships that she shouldn't be in.

With this in mind, I looked over at my husband. Then I looked at my kids.

I am blessed.
I have people in my life I couldn't live without.

So I told my hubby in that moment (because he deserves to know), "I don't think I could live without you."

Because it's true.