A New Year and My One Little Word for 2014

In 2012, I chose Whisper.  It helped me to focus on speaking softly and listening closer to the spirit.

In 2013, I chose Serve...then swapped it out for Diligent half way through the year because I felt I was losing myself in the service a bit too much... but I think this year just spun off kilter because I've been on the wrong birth control and it made me a different person.  But I do feel like I have learned to be more diligent in my self discipline by the end of this year.  I have renewed my efforts to be a better person and be closer to my Savior then I have been before. (And I got off that stupid stuff.)

Now I'm looking 2014 in the face with a shock because it seemed like yesterday I was just changing 2013's diapers and now he's walking his little hiney out the door and I'm greeted with a new face.  I'm not sure if this face is friendly or not yet.  2014 has some secrets for me that are not going to be revealed right away.  I visualize 2014, not as a newborn baby like 2013 seemed to be.  But as a cloaked stranger, waiting to lower his or her veil to reveal the face of my future.

In 2014, my family will hopefully, fingers-crossed, most likely be starting a new adventure into the unknown land of living with "Law-school Daddy".  Right now, Daddy is sorta the glue that holds Mommy's sanity in check.  So, let's hope "Law-school Daddy" isn't much different.  Or let's hope "Law-school Daddy's Wife" is up to being Full-time-Dedicated-Mom-of-the-Year, because right now she's feeling a little pathetic at the moment.  The trapeze artist needs more balance before she can walk that rope.

2014 may or may not hold a relocation for our family as well.  You see, law school is big fat book laying on my chest with a binding that won't open yet.  Inside this book's pages lies the answer to where we will live during law school.  Whether we will remain here among this loving outstandingly supportive neighborhood... or whether we will move to [somewhere else] where who knows how supportive or unified the neighborhood will be?  This will be somewhere where my oldest will start second grade, and my second child will start kindergarten.  This will be a place we may live for only one year, but nothing is set.  Nothing is planned.  Nothing is made to order.  This to-go box is going to come ready-made, and when it's cooked through we will be given what we're given.  No turning back.  We'll have to eat it.  That's up to 2014.

That's not to say we have no choices to make.  There will be choices.  The hard part is waiting on what those choices will be.  Are we going to have to decide how to get a second vehicle for commuting?  Or will we be deciding how to downsize our belongings to fit into a small apartment?  Will we be installing new carpet and giving our home a new paint job for us to enjoy, or for someone else to enjoy?  Will we be driving across states with a trailer truck that holds everything we own?  Will I be saying goodbye to my small but promising positions with the little local paper, my little piano students, my essential oils friends, and my ward family?  Or will I get to keep it all?  Somehow that seems like too much to expect right now.

So, as I look at 2014's unfamiliar and shadowy face, I am once again asking myself what I will choose as my One Little Word this year?

Outside of all the unknowns, what are the things I really need to work on this year?

I need more patience.
With my kids.  With my life.  With my husband.  With my family members.  With myself.
I need to breathe.
I need to stop myself from speaking, acting, lunging forward, shouting, screaming, interjecting, rescuing...
I just need to stop.
Break.
Breathe.
Pause.


This is my one little word for 2014.
Pause.



In that crazy out-of-my-mind moment when all day I have been picking up emergency messes in my house, when my children just haven't been listening to me and I feel like a broken record.
Don't do that.  Don't do that again.  Don't do that.  D o n ' t .

Pause.

And in that moment when I'm busy, my mind is focused, I'm feeling as though I'll be finished any minute now.  Just a little longer and I will feel accomplished, and my child interrupts me.  Mom.  Just a minute, I'm busy.  Mom!  Just a minute.  Mom, look!  Hold on a second.  MOM!

Pause.
In that moment when I discover another secret naughty act, after the millions from the day.  That moment when my son looks up at my face with that tiny glimmer of hope in his eyes that maybe if he's just honest with me I won't break.  That moment when I feel like my body is  s h a t t e r i n g  into a million pieces just like that precious heirloom that was happily thrown against the wall earlier that day with a squeal and dashing bare feet.  When I can feel my blood pressure rising and my head begins to pound.

Pause.  B r e a t h e.

I can do all things with the Lord who strengthens me.

This too shall pass.

I'm not perfect, Lord.  Take this cup from me.  Carry my cross for a moment.
I need Thee every hour.
I need Thee, Lord.  Oh, I need Thee.

Tomorrow I will be better.  Tomorrow I'm going to Pause.
Tomorrow will be my jumpstart into 2014, and all the surprises that await.
When if my husband says we will pick up our lives and begin again somewhere new.
Before I react in some unknown way that is now hidden in my subconscious mind where I am not allowing myself to go...
I will Pause.

If when I am given a "golden" opportunity to share my experiences with someone who might "need" it,
Before I voice my opinion
Before I post that comment
Before I interject
I will Pause.

When if I wake up in the night to the sound of little feet shuffling into my room and a groan from the tired man next to me,
Before I roll over and let him deal with it
Before I rush that little body out of the room
I will Pause.
and remember this too shall pass. And do I want it to?

If when I am finding myself distracted by unimportant things and my child is trying to remind me to look them in the eyes again.
Before I brush him off
I will Pause.
and I will see him.

When if I find my kitchen drenched in milk and chocolate chips.
Before I scream.
Before I cry.
Before I fall down dead.
I will Pause.
.... and maybe then I'll find something to laugh about.

Happy New Year!
What's your One Little Word?

A New Year Begins

Over the last year, I have learned so much!  I'm so grateful for the people and programs that have come into my life over the past year to make me realize how much I had it wrong and how much I could change things to gain more happiness.

Happiness comes from within.  That was the biggest thing I learned this year.  I always knew it.  People had told me this for years.  It was like a cliche I couldn't get away from.  But I never knew how to do it.  I never knew how to create that happiness from within.  Now I do.  That's quite an accomplishment, I'd say!  Happiness comes from within when you truly learn to accept and love yourself.  Look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful" and believe it!  Then, it's going out and letting others enjoy who you are because you're a loveable person.  Giving that love to other people can really make you love yourself even more!  But instead of giving and trying to feel the love from without, it's loving first and then giving and it all expands from there!

I also learned more about hope this year.  I learned that hoping for something is the thread that keeps life moving forward.  All you need is that hope and the day can end and another begins.  I have learned that my Savior loves me.  He has given me everything and can give me more if I just ask.  He will help me with everything and He has the ability to make me strong.  I just have to turn to Him for the strength.  Sometimes it's the turning that's the hardest part.  Just look up!  You'd think it would be an easy thing.

I also learned this year to love my husband (anyway).  :)  I have really grown in this aspect.  I met my husband and I loved him because I love people.  I just do.  I loved him because I love everyone. (No wonder I was so bad at dating! I loved people and couldn't get the difference with anyone special so I'd say "I love you" and get these guys all excited in spite of myself.)  Then I loved him because I felt it was right to marry him.  Then I loved him because he was my husband and it was what I was supposed to do.  Then I denied within myself that it was real love.  Then I kicked myself for giving up on romance.  Then I "loved" him because I had to.  Then I got mad.  I got mad at myself.  I got mad at him.  I think I even got mad at God.  But this year has changed a lot.  This year, I looked at him and remembered the way I felt when we were dating.  I did love him that way!  I had loved him once, and he was still that same person.  He was still the awkward "NCMO" (non-commital make-out) King from college who hunched over his guitar and swung his keys around from his lanyard.  He was just more mature now.  He'd replaced the girls with politics and he replaced the music with sports.  But it was still him.  And I realized I wasn't giving him any credit.  I'd say this is quite the accomplishment for my year too.  I learned that love is not a noun, it's a verb.  I learned that if I don't LOVE my husband (as in, an action verb), then I won't ever love him.  It was a big change in the way I live, and it has changed my level of happiness as well.  Now I feel like I love my husband, not for any of the reasons I've stated before, but I love him because I feel good loving him.  I love him because it's a fun thing to do.  I love him because he deserves it.  I love him because I'm grateful for everything he does for me.  I love him because he's so handsome!  I love him because he's my children's father!  I love him because I'm going to be with him forever!  And forever doesn't sound so bad, actually.  (Especially because after this life, many of our little annoying habits and weaknesses will be much better!)

This year, I have learned to let go of things I cannot control.  I'm learning more about how to deal with the things I can control and trust God.  I have learned that trusting God is the real key to the atonement.  It has helped me to forgive myself.  It has helped me forgive others.  And I have finally been able to put the past firmly in the past!  I no longer stay up nights thinking about that moment in my sophomore high school year, or that day when I was single in college, or that thing I should have said back in my newly-wed days.  It's gone!  And that's such a relief!

Last New Years, I chose one word as my New Years Resolution.  Do you remember what it was?  If you do, I commend you for following my blogs for so long. :)  I'm loved!  :)  Anyway, go back and read that post if you want.  It's short.  Shorter than this one, for sure.  (And I said I wasn't going to have any long posts on this blog....sighs.)  My word for last year was "Whisper" and I think I've gotten SO MUCH better about keeping my voice down with my kids.  I'm far from perfect about it, of course.  But I'm much better.  I don't think I sat and acted like a three-year-old this year.  Maybe once. :)

But I've also gotten better at listening to that Whisper of the spirit.  It has blessed me so much!  Yet another huge lesson I have learned this year!  How to recognize the voice of the spirit and differentiate it from other voices.  I never realized those other voices were even out there! (Thus, the confusion on my listening to the spirit in the past!)  But they are!  The biggest key to listening to the spirit that I have found is this: It's light.  God is light.  Christ is light.  The spirit wouldn't feel heavy, like a brick on my chest trying to get me to do something.  Oh no.  It feels light and as though a burden is lifted from me.  So I started practicing following that light feeling and every time I felt the heaviness creeping up on me, (for example, when I would feel the impulse to be online to waste time) I would turn from it and do something better.  It has made an amazing difference!  Not only do I feel better because I'm making better choices in my daily life, but I'm finding it easier to follow that spirit because I'm actually listening!  Da-da-da DUM!!!  :)  It's been a wonderful thing.

So a New Year has begun.  2013 is upon us and I'm once again contemplating what to choose as my one little word for this year.

I've chosen "Serve" as my New Years Resolution One Little Word.  At the end of 2012, I had a new neighbor move in nearby and it gave me all kinds of opportunities to service.  I let her borrow my vacuum, I helped her unpack into her kitchen, I helped her decorate her kitchen, I stayed to lock up for her during an emergency, I babysat her little boy, I did her dishes, I took her breakfast, I invited her over for dinner, I helped her unpack her little boy's bedroom, I put him to bed for her when her other child was sick and she was busy with her, I've sat with her, I've chatted with her, I've accepted her completely, I've found we have so much in common, and I'm her friend.  From the very beginning, I was drawn to her spiritually.  I was becoming addicted to the beautiful feeling that overwhelmed me as I served her.  I kept finding more opportunities to do so.  And the fierce loyalty between us now is a wonderful reward.  It also brought that special Christmas spirit into my heart in a way I have never felt before.

So over the next year, I play to focus on this one little word.  I'm going to look for more opportunities for me to serve others.  Whether it is in my own home or elsewhere.  I want to keep this special spirit with me.   I want to remember it all throughout the year.

Another new tradition I decided to start is this thing I saw on Facebook.  So I have a jar on my piano now that is marked "Happy Happenings of 2013" and I plan to fill it with little papers containing happy things that happen throughout the year and so we can read and reminisce during next New Years.  I'm pretty excited about it.  So far I've cheated a little and placed the two movie tickets from New Years Eve inside (technically not 2013 but oh well).  We saw Les Miserable together and it was incredible!  Happy New Year, everyone!

(Yes, I'm finally finishing up this insanely long post!)