As I said in the last post, things have been rougher over the last month and I couldn't exactly put my finger one what changed since Christmas. I know, we have been sick and then better and sick again, but it's been more then that to me. I've just not been as happy or as focused on good things.
Then this weekend I stayed home from church feeling sick and thought to myself that I would still try to think about spiritual things anyway while my family attended church. But I didn't do much but watch a TV show that was completely unrelated to spiritual things, and quite worldly actually. At the time I rationalized, but later in the evening I was feeling guilty and sad because I knew I had given up on something better during that day.
The next day, I was still brooding over the way I felt. I hadn't really be "in touch" like I was before Christmas and I wasn't sure what it was, but I kept wondering to myself if I needed to eliminate watching TV shows like the one I mentioned above altogether. I kept questioning whether it was really something I should allow, or if it was bad "enough" which I hate thinking about.
I hate looking at everything in the media and trying to figure out what is really too bad or what isn't that bad or what is good enough or really good. When something is really good, it's obvious and same with when it's really bad. But the majority of the fun things to indulge in around me are things that are good and enjoyable, but still worldly. I want to be uplifted, and sometimes I think I am. But then why was I feeling like this?
I started talking to my husband about the way I felt while we made dinner together that evening. Then finally it hit me. It wasn't about whether or not the show was "good enough" or "wasn't that bad", it is about my priorities. It's about if I am giving up something way better for something that is only "not that bad". (Like that conference talk not too long ago...Good, Better, Best?) I realized that what was bothering me was that I hadn't put the Lord first on the Lord's day. I had shut Him out, and done everyday things. Yes, I was sick, but it was still the Sabbath. And if I don't treat the Sabbath as the Sabbath, when else am I going to give Him that quality time?
I took myself into my bedroom to pray. Of course, the moment I knelt down there was that little passing thought saying "You don't have to pray, He knows already. Don't waste your time." But I prayed anyway, and I said I was sorry. The results from this prayer brought me back to where I want to be. The spirit returned into my heart and I felt the love in the Lord's forgiveness. I also felt His approval for these types of activities as long as they aren't taking the place of greater things: like taking care of my family and enriching my spirituality. Those things should come first.
At that point, I also realized that I had been slacking off on things that I had previously been feeling so passionate about. I must return to the habit of praying first thing in the morning. If I put the Lord first in my day, it's easier for me to remember to put Him first throughout the day. I find myself putting down the Facebook on my phone to read a book to my kids, or playing a conference talk on my computer before turning on Pandora.
It's in those little things that I feel I either feel enriched and happy and spiritual and right or I start to feel blase and lose focus. It's a very delicate balance in this busy world we live in. But I am recommitting myself now to put the Lord first every day.