It's been quite the journey for me since I started this blog. I look back and can remind myself of things I've learned. Because then I have to again...relearn, and relearn again. I guess that's where the "Repeat" comes in on the title of this blog. I'm not perfect. Far from it.
It's the reason I need all of this stuff. Because I am not perfect, I have to rely on the Lord so much. I have to really put in the effort every single day, to put Him first and to rely on his guidance. If I don't my day goes to mush.
I'm the type of person who talks about everything I'm going through. I talk it out and it sorts out my thoughts and feelings. But lately it feels like I can't do that as much. Lately, I have been realizing some things I can't just tell people. Some people shouldn't be told things. I'm not usually one to hold it in. I don't like keeping my own secrets. Other people's business is their own and it's not mine to tell, but my own secrets are another matter to me. I'd rather just lay it all out there and be completely honest and open with everyone I meet and if they don't like it, it hurts, but I'd rather they knew me. I'd rather know what they really think of me.
But lately I can't do that. It's not mine to tell, as much, I guess. That's the problem. But I'm so connected with it I want to talk about things. I want to blurt my pains and feelings out to the world and sort things out. I need a friend to talk to. I want to just cry, but I don't want to cry alone.
The only one I can really put my trust in is the Lord. My savior is the only one. The scriptures say I shouldn't rely on the arm of the flesh, and this includes friends, my spouse, my family even;...the world has it wrong.
It seems like every time everything is going wonderfully something has to happen to make it crash down. Balance in trials and blessings I guess.
The point is, I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I have to take care of my own spiritual place. I have to keep praying and studying the scriptures to get through this.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Putting the Lord First
As I said in the last post, things have been rougher over the last month and I couldn't exactly put my finger one what changed since Christmas. I know, we have been sick and then better and sick again, but it's been more then that to me. I've just not been as happy or as focused on good things.
Then this weekend I stayed home from church feeling sick and thought to myself that I would still try to think about spiritual things anyway while my family attended church. But I didn't do much but watch a TV show that was completely unrelated to spiritual things, and quite worldly actually. At the time I rationalized, but later in the evening I was feeling guilty and sad because I knew I had given up on something better during that day.
The next day, I was still brooding over the way I felt. I hadn't really be "in touch" like I was before Christmas and I wasn't sure what it was, but I kept wondering to myself if I needed to eliminate watching TV shows like the one I mentioned above altogether. I kept questioning whether it was really something I should allow, or if it was bad "enough" which I hate thinking about.
I hate looking at everything in the media and trying to figure out what is really too bad or what isn't that bad or what is good enough or really good. When something is really good, it's obvious and same with when it's really bad. But the majority of the fun things to indulge in around me are things that are good and enjoyable, but still worldly. I want to be uplifted, and sometimes I think I am. But then why was I feeling like this?
I started talking to my husband about the way I felt while we made dinner together that evening. Then finally it hit me. It wasn't about whether or not the show was "good enough" or "wasn't that bad", it is about my priorities. It's about if I am giving up something way better for something that is only "not that bad". (Like that conference talk not too long ago...Good, Better, Best?) I realized that what was bothering me was that I hadn't put the Lord first on the Lord's day. I had shut Him out, and done everyday things. Yes, I was sick, but it was still the Sabbath. And if I don't treat the Sabbath as the Sabbath, when else am I going to give Him that quality time?
I took myself into my bedroom to pray. Of course, the moment I knelt down there was that little passing thought saying "You don't have to pray, He knows already. Don't waste your time." But I prayed anyway, and I said I was sorry. The results from this prayer brought me back to where I want to be. The spirit returned into my heart and I felt the love in the Lord's forgiveness. I also felt His approval for these types of activities as long as they aren't taking the place of greater things: like taking care of my family and enriching my spirituality. Those things should come first.
At that point, I also realized that I had been slacking off on things that I had previously been feeling so passionate about. I must return to the habit of praying first thing in the morning. If I put the Lord first in my day, it's easier for me to remember to put Him first throughout the day. I find myself putting down the Facebook on my phone to read a book to my kids, or playing a conference talk on my computer before turning on Pandora.
It's in those little things that I feel I either feel enriched and happy and spiritual and right or I start to feel blase and lose focus. It's a very delicate balance in this busy world we live in. But I am recommitting myself now to put the Lord first every day.
Then this weekend I stayed home from church feeling sick and thought to myself that I would still try to think about spiritual things anyway while my family attended church. But I didn't do much but watch a TV show that was completely unrelated to spiritual things, and quite worldly actually. At the time I rationalized, but later in the evening I was feeling guilty and sad because I knew I had given up on something better during that day.
The next day, I was still brooding over the way I felt. I hadn't really be "in touch" like I was before Christmas and I wasn't sure what it was, but I kept wondering to myself if I needed to eliminate watching TV shows like the one I mentioned above altogether. I kept questioning whether it was really something I should allow, or if it was bad "enough" which I hate thinking about.
I hate looking at everything in the media and trying to figure out what is really too bad or what isn't that bad or what is good enough or really good. When something is really good, it's obvious and same with when it's really bad. But the majority of the fun things to indulge in around me are things that are good and enjoyable, but still worldly. I want to be uplifted, and sometimes I think I am. But then why was I feeling like this?
I started talking to my husband about the way I felt while we made dinner together that evening. Then finally it hit me. It wasn't about whether or not the show was "good enough" or "wasn't that bad", it is about my priorities. It's about if I am giving up something way better for something that is only "not that bad". (Like that conference talk not too long ago...Good, Better, Best?) I realized that what was bothering me was that I hadn't put the Lord first on the Lord's day. I had shut Him out, and done everyday things. Yes, I was sick, but it was still the Sabbath. And if I don't treat the Sabbath as the Sabbath, when else am I going to give Him that quality time?
I took myself into my bedroom to pray. Of course, the moment I knelt down there was that little passing thought saying "You don't have to pray, He knows already. Don't waste your time." But I prayed anyway, and I said I was sorry. The results from this prayer brought me back to where I want to be. The spirit returned into my heart and I felt the love in the Lord's forgiveness. I also felt His approval for these types of activities as long as they aren't taking the place of greater things: like taking care of my family and enriching my spirituality. Those things should come first.
At that point, I also realized that I had been slacking off on things that I had previously been feeling so passionate about. I must return to the habit of praying first thing in the morning. If I put the Lord first in my day, it's easier for me to remember to put Him first throughout the day. I find myself putting down the Facebook on my phone to read a book to my kids, or playing a conference talk on my computer before turning on Pandora.
It's in those little things that I feel I either feel enriched and happy and spiritual and right or I start to feel blase and lose focus. It's a very delicate balance in this busy world we live in. But I am recommitting myself now to put the Lord first every day.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Good Intentions
It's been a rocky first month for me this year. I keep trying and feeling like I'm not doing as much as I want to. But I've been feeling sick off and on every since Christmas. That or one of my kids (or more then one) is sick. I feel like over the last couple days, being incredibly sick again, I've sort of given up. I'm throwing in the towel.
At least until I feel like I can get my life back from these germs.
Sometimes I wish I could find a friend who's my twin who wouldn't make me feel guilty if they came over and cleaned my house for me or watched my kids for me. I'd do it for her, ya know.
I've got such a short fuse when I'm sick. Probably a good thing that I'm so hoarse that I sound like a bird when I try to yell. Since I'm trying to yell more often and so suddenly without much cause. Whisper? Yeah...don't remind me.
Yesterday I woke up kind of hazy. (Surprising when I have a sinus headache? No.) Through the hazy it was a dreamy way to wake up and I found myself having poetic thoughts. I have to say, I think somewhere in my subconscious the origination of this idea is somewhere linked with this blog post, since it resonated with me so deeply. Honestly, that post is probably a million times better then mine will be. Mine is quite weird, actually, but bare with me. If you don't like it, just go back over to her link and read her post again. Yeah. It's that good.
So in my dreamy poetic haziness yesterday morning, I grabbed a pen to write some of it down on my notebook. Many of my best poems can be born this way. This one was quite scattered so I've needed to do some organizing from the first segments of that morning. I don't exactly know what to do with it. Prose poetry? Poetry? I don't know, but I thought I'd record it nonetheless. Work in progress.
Catching Raindrops, Raining Upward
I'm placed on this space,
bucket in my hands.
Memories gone, purpose unknown,
I begin walking
and the rain begins falling.
The urge bursts inside,
a pitted cherry for a heart,
and I am catching droplets.
Running
I splash into trillions, scattering.
Surrounding impossibility.
The raindrops keep falling
and I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them.
And I am soaked.
Hair damp, clothes
wet, heavy hanging
Rubber legs pull
shoes slosh and slow
down
up
Weight shifts, and my hair hangs high
droplets creeping up my back
up and off my hair's tips above me
My stories climb the back of my throat
as dew collides and
I cry as failures fly
and I find I am coming dry
from the drips but
it hurts
clinging, a painful escape
but I am inadvertently
glad.
Once they are gone, I am
weightless.
All for the drops in my bucket.
They are an anvil
pulling at my arm,
heaviness growing
I drop it to the ground
and they are golden.
Golden droplets rise from within
drop by drop, a translucence yields
to memories:
A hug I gave a child.
A spill I cleaned from the floor.
A smile I gave a stranger.
The cookies I left at her door.
A meal I gave the needy.
A blanket I gave the cold.
A kiss I placed on his cheek.
A friendship to a lonesome old.
An hour I spent to listen.
A dollar I spent to give.
A gift from the heart to another.
A hope for ones will to live.
The drops kept on rising
joy-filled beauty inside
spilling over onto my face
in weightless tears.
And a voice from the light around me stated
"You did the best you could, my child. Every drop counts."
At least until I feel like I can get my life back from these germs.
Sometimes I wish I could find a friend who's my twin who wouldn't make me feel guilty if they came over and cleaned my house for me or watched my kids for me. I'd do it for her, ya know.
I've got such a short fuse when I'm sick. Probably a good thing that I'm so hoarse that I sound like a bird when I try to yell. Since I'm trying to yell more often and so suddenly without much cause. Whisper? Yeah...don't remind me.
Yesterday I woke up kind of hazy. (Surprising when I have a sinus headache? No.) Through the hazy it was a dreamy way to wake up and I found myself having poetic thoughts. I have to say, I think somewhere in my subconscious the origination of this idea is somewhere linked with this blog post, since it resonated with me so deeply. Honestly, that post is probably a million times better then mine will be. Mine is quite weird, actually, but bare with me. If you don't like it, just go back over to her link and read her post again. Yeah. It's that good.
So in my dreamy poetic haziness yesterday morning, I grabbed a pen to write some of it down on my notebook. Many of my best poems can be born this way. This one was quite scattered so I've needed to do some organizing from the first segments of that morning. I don't exactly know what to do with it. Prose poetry? Poetry? I don't know, but I thought I'd record it nonetheless. Work in progress.
Catching Raindrops, Raining Upward
I'm placed on this space,
bucket in my hands.
Memories gone, purpose unknown,
I begin walking
and the rain begins falling.
The urge bursts inside,
a pitted cherry for a heart,
and I am catching droplets.
Running
I splash into trillions, scattering.
Surrounding impossibility.
The raindrops keep falling
and I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them all.
I cannot catch them.
And I am soaked.
Hair damp, clothes
wet, heavy hanging
Rubber legs pull
shoes slosh and slow
down
up
Weight shifts, and my hair hangs high
droplets creeping up my back
up and off my hair's tips above me
My stories climb the back of my throat
as dew collides and
I cry as failures fly
and I find I am coming dry
from the drips but
it hurts
clinging, a painful escape
but I am inadvertently
glad.
Once they are gone, I am
weightless.
All for the drops in my bucket.
They are an anvil
pulling at my arm,
heaviness growing
I drop it to the ground
and they are golden.
Golden droplets rise from within
drop by drop, a translucence yields
to memories:
A hug I gave a child.
A spill I cleaned from the floor.
A smile I gave a stranger.
The cookies I left at her door.
A meal I gave the needy.
A blanket I gave the cold.
A kiss I placed on his cheek.
A friendship to a lonesome old.
An hour I spent to listen.
A dollar I spent to give.
A gift from the heart to another.
A hope for ones will to live.
The drops kept on rising
joy-filled beauty inside
spilling over onto my face
in weightless tears.
And a voice from the light around me stated
"You did the best you could, my child. Every drop counts."
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A New Year Begins
Over the last year, I have learned so much! I'm so grateful for the people and programs that have come into my life over the past year to make me realize how much I had it wrong and how much I could change things to gain more happiness.
Happiness comes from within. That was the biggest thing I learned this year. I always knew it. People had told me this for years. It was like a cliche I couldn't get away from. But I never knew how to do it. I never knew how to create that happiness from within. Now I do. That's quite an accomplishment, I'd say! Happiness comes from within when you truly learn to accept and love yourself. Look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful" and believe it! Then, it's going out and letting others enjoy who you are because you're a loveable person. Giving that love to other people can really make you love yourself even more! But instead of giving and trying to feel the love from without, it's loving first and then giving and it all expands from there!
I also learned more about hope this year. I learned that hoping for something is the thread that keeps life moving forward. All you need is that hope and the day can end and another begins. I have learned that my Savior loves me. He has given me everything and can give me more if I just ask. He will help me with everything and He has the ability to make me strong. I just have to turn to Him for the strength. Sometimes it's the turning that's the hardest part. Just look up! You'd think it would be an easy thing.
I also learned this year to love my husband (anyway). :) I have really grown in this aspect. I met my husband and I loved him because I love people. I just do. I loved him because I love everyone. (No wonder I was so bad at dating! I loved people and couldn't get the difference with anyone special so I'd say "I love you" and get these guys all excited in spite of myself.) Then I loved him because I felt it was right to marry him. Then I loved him because he was my husband and it was what I was supposed to do. Then I denied within myself that it was real love. Then I kicked myself for giving up on romance. Then I "loved" him because I had to. Then I got mad. I got mad at myself. I got mad at him. I think I even got mad at God. But this year has changed a lot. This year, I looked at him and remembered the way I felt when we were dating. I did love him that way! I had loved him once, and he was still that same person. He was still the awkward "NCMO" (non-commital make-out) King from college who hunched over his guitar and swung his keys around from his lanyard. He was just more mature now. He'd replaced the girls with politics and he replaced the music with sports. But it was still him. And I realized I wasn't giving him any credit. I'd say this is quite the accomplishment for my year too. I learned that love is not a noun, it's a verb. I learned that if I don't LOVE my husband (as in, an action verb), then I won't ever love him. It was a big change in the way I live, and it has changed my level of happiness as well. Now I feel like I love my husband, not for any of the reasons I've stated before, but I love him because I feel good loving him. I love him because it's a fun thing to do. I love him because he deserves it. I love him because I'm grateful for everything he does for me. I love him because he's so handsome! I love him because he's my children's father! I love him because I'm going to be with him forever! And forever doesn't sound so bad, actually. (Especially because after this life, many of our little annoying habits and weaknesses will be much better!)
This year, I have learned to let go of things I cannot control. I'm learning more about how to deal with the things I can control and trust God. I have learned that trusting God is the real key to the atonement. It has helped me to forgive myself. It has helped me forgive others. And I have finally been able to put the past firmly in the past! I no longer stay up nights thinking about that moment in my sophomore high school year, or that day when I was single in college, or that thing I should have said back in my newly-wed days. It's gone! And that's such a relief!
Last New Years, I chose one word as my New Years Resolution. Do you remember what it was? If you do, I commend you for following my blogs for so long. :) I'm loved! :) Anyway, go back and read that post if you want. It's short. Shorter than this one, for sure. (And I said I wasn't going to have any long posts on this blog....sighs.) My word for last year was "Whisper" and I think I've gotten SO MUCH better about keeping my voice down with my kids. I'm far from perfect about it, of course. But I'm much better. I don't think I sat and acted like a three-year-old this year. Maybe once. :)
But I've also gotten better at listening to that Whisper of the spirit. It has blessed me so much! Yet another huge lesson I have learned this year! How to recognize the voice of the spirit and differentiate it from other voices. I never realized those other voices were even out there! (Thus, the confusion on my listening to the spirit in the past!) But they are! The biggest key to listening to the spirit that I have found is this: It's light. God is light. Christ is light. The spirit wouldn't feel heavy, like a brick on my chest trying to get me to do something. Oh no. It feels light and as though a burden is lifted from me. So I started practicing following that light feeling and every time I felt the heaviness creeping up on me, (for example, when I would feel the impulse to be online to waste time) I would turn from it and do something better. It has made an amazing difference! Not only do I feel better because I'm making better choices in my daily life, but I'm finding it easier to follow that spirit because I'm actually listening! Da-da-da DUM!!! :) It's been a wonderful thing.
So a New Year has begun. 2013 is upon us and I'm once again contemplating what to choose as my one little word for this year.
I've chosen "Serve" as my New Years Resolution One Little Word. At the end of 2012, I had a new neighbor move in nearby and it gave me all kinds of opportunities to service. I let her borrow my vacuum, I helped her unpack into her kitchen, I helped her decorate her kitchen, I stayed to lock up for her during an emergency, I babysat her little boy, I did her dishes, I took her breakfast, I invited her over for dinner, I helped her unpack her little boy's bedroom, I put him to bed for her when her other child was sick and she was busy with her, I've sat with her, I've chatted with her, I've accepted her completely, I've found we have so much in common, and I'm her friend. From the very beginning, I was drawn to her spiritually. I was becoming addicted to the beautiful feeling that overwhelmed me as I served her. I kept finding more opportunities to do so. And the fierce loyalty between us now is a wonderful reward. It also brought that special Christmas spirit into my heart in a way I have never felt before.
So over the next year, I play to focus on this one little word. I'm going to look for more opportunities for me to serve others. Whether it is in my own home or elsewhere. I want to keep this special spirit with me. I want to remember it all throughout the year.
Another new tradition I decided to start is this thing I saw on Facebook. So I have a jar on my piano now that is marked "Happy Happenings of 2013" and I plan to fill it with little papers containing happy things that happen throughout the year and so we can read and reminisce during next New Years. I'm pretty excited about it. So far I've cheated a little and placed the two movie tickets from New Years Eve inside (technically not 2013 but oh well). We saw Les Miserable together and it was incredible! Happy New Year, everyone!
(Yes, I'm finally finishing up this insanely long post!)
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I Can Dream
Too often when we get married ... or maybe it's when we have children, we lose ourselves in that role. I'm a wife now. I'm a mother now. Somehow being a mother makes us decide everything else doesn't matter at all and we forget our dreams. We forget who we were once.
I started thinking about the things my husband wants and my kids need or want. It's good to care about these things. They are important things to care about. It's good to value what other people want. But don't lose yourself in it! I got to the point where I would feel guilty for buying a bottle of fingernail polish for $2 because it wasn't important enough. It was a waste of money. I had to ask my husband's permission first. Was it him that made me feel this way? No, it was me.
Although it is not right to completely and selfishly disavow responsibilities for dreams, it is ok to dream! It really is.
So sit down and remember who you were before you were married. Remember what you cared about, what you dreamed about every day. Remember what you aspired for.
Before I was married, I loved to sing. I liked doing my hair. I liked being with people and learning from them. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to be a mother someday, but I also wanted to travel. I wanted to see Paris. I wanted to see Prince Edwards' Island. I wanted to meet celebrities. I loved art. I wanted to create it, but felt I couldn't do it well enough. I loved climbing our willow trees. I loved dreaming about love and romance. I liked creating heartfelt gifts for other people. I liked going places with friends. I had a curiosity for being rebellious but never really was. I admired rebels. :) I liked to drive. Just drive until I got lost and then found myself again.
That's still me. I can still dream about these things. Of course, I shouldn't strive for those dreams at the expense of what is most important to me, my family, but I can still dream of these things and remember who I am. I can still remember what I used to care about, even if my husband doesn't care about those things so much. It's ok to do that. It's not selfish.
So go write down the things you value and dream about. Just you. Not what your kids like. Not what your husband wants. Just what you want. It's ok to buy that bottle of fingernail polish once in a while. It's ok to dream.
I started thinking about the things my husband wants and my kids need or want. It's good to care about these things. They are important things to care about. It's good to value what other people want. But don't lose yourself in it! I got to the point where I would feel guilty for buying a bottle of fingernail polish for $2 because it wasn't important enough. It was a waste of money. I had to ask my husband's permission first. Was it him that made me feel this way? No, it was me.
Although it is not right to completely and selfishly disavow responsibilities for dreams, it is ok to dream! It really is.
So sit down and remember who you were before you were married. Remember what you cared about, what you dreamed about every day. Remember what you aspired for.
Before I was married, I loved to sing. I liked doing my hair. I liked being with people and learning from them. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to be a mother someday, but I also wanted to travel. I wanted to see Paris. I wanted to see Prince Edwards' Island. I wanted to meet celebrities. I loved art. I wanted to create it, but felt I couldn't do it well enough. I loved climbing our willow trees. I loved dreaming about love and romance. I liked creating heartfelt gifts for other people. I liked going places with friends. I had a curiosity for being rebellious but never really was. I admired rebels. :) I liked to drive. Just drive until I got lost and then found myself again.
That's still me. I can still dream about these things. Of course, I shouldn't strive for those dreams at the expense of what is most important to me, my family, but I can still dream of these things and remember who I am. I can still remember what I used to care about, even if my husband doesn't care about those things so much. It's ok to do that. It's not selfish.
So go write down the things you value and dream about. Just you. Not what your kids like. Not what your husband wants. Just what you want. It's ok to buy that bottle of fingernail polish once in a while. It's ok to dream.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I Can Be a Tool in God's Hands
As I was preparing for Sunday, I was getting ready to teach my 11-year-old class and the lesson was on the destruction of the Jaredites in end of the book of Ether. It's a crazy horrific scene of a bloody war with millions of people getting killed, bodies everywhere, and it all comes down to two guys (Coriantumr and Shiz) fighting each other and fainting because of blood-loss until finally one of them kills the other one. Ether watches it all from a cave, and isn't sure if the last guy even survived, really. Pretty crazy rated-R stuff to be talking to 11-year-old girls about. But Coriantumr lives and happens to be the one that in an earlier chapter remembered the words of Ether, the prophet, and repented but had no power to help the rest of the people stop fighting. He is mentioned earlier in the Omni, actually, which I thought was interesting. Omni 1:20-21 says he lived with the people of Zarahemla for the space of "nine moons."
But anyway, the point in the lesson was that Ether had been preaching to these people multiple times, trying to get them to stop it! He had gone down and told them to repent, to love each other, to follow the commandments of God and be kind again. But they were too angry. The spirit of the Lord no longer dwelt with them, as the scriptures said, and so Satan had full power over them. So the lesson's focus was more on obedience to God's laws. As I pondered this, I thought about how people often think of God's laws as rules that hold them back. People want to have freedom, and this is often the case with teenagers - the world these girls are about to enter. But the truth is, freedom is found in following God's laws. His laws help us to be happy because as we do what is right, are choices have good consequences that make us happy. Choices that are bad lead to bad consequences, unhappiness, and bondage. So, even though a rule may seem like shackles, it is actually what helps us to be free.
As I pondered this lesson, I thought of a kite and found myself writing a poem! It felt inspired and so I wanted to share it. I gave the poem to the girls as a hand-out.
I didn't make many edits to the thing. It was like it just poured out of me. It's simple, for one of my poems, but it served the purpose I wanted it to. Then, while I was giving my lesson, we read this scripture together:
Ether 12:4
"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with asurety bhope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which chope cometh of dfaith, maketh an eanchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in fgood works, being led to gglorify God."
The word "anchor" caught my attention here. Because it is the very word I use negatively in the poem to describe the lack of freedom the kite feels. But here in the scripture, it is using the word to describe a safety and peace. If we keep that anchor there, and hold to our faith in it, we will be sure and steadfast, always doing what is right and finding happiness!
This really testified to me that God loves the girls in my class. Even though I rarely have more then two students at a time! I have a very small class! But these girls are so special, and when I really pay attention and try to follow the spirit as I prepare my lessons, the Lord will work through me. It made me so excited to feel like I was being used as a tool in His hands to bring this message to these beautiful girls. I learned from it too!
It made me also rededicate myself as a teacher. I'm going to try to invest myself more in the future in the lessons I teach so I can keep the spirit with me during my lessons and so we can learn and be uplifted by His words.
But anyway, the point in the lesson was that Ether had been preaching to these people multiple times, trying to get them to stop it! He had gone down and told them to repent, to love each other, to follow the commandments of God and be kind again. But they were too angry. The spirit of the Lord no longer dwelt with them, as the scriptures said, and so Satan had full power over them. So the lesson's focus was more on obedience to God's laws. As I pondered this, I thought about how people often think of God's laws as rules that hold them back. People want to have freedom, and this is often the case with teenagers - the world these girls are about to enter. But the truth is, freedom is found in following God's laws. His laws help us to be happy because as we do what is right, are choices have good consequences that make us happy. Choices that are bad lead to bad consequences, unhappiness, and bondage. So, even though a rule may seem like shackles, it is actually what helps us to be free.
As I pondered this lesson, I thought of a kite and found myself writing a poem! It felt inspired and so I wanted to share it. I gave the poem to the girls as a hand-out.
The Disobedient Kite
by Danielle Palmer
I once went flying with my master
He took me out on a windy day
He let me grow higher and higher
As the wind pulled me up and away
I pulled on the string he had tethered
Wishing to climb greater heights
I beckoned him softly as to whether
He’d give me my freedom in flight.
He shook his head at my imploring
Stating the string held me up
‘But the string just anchors my exploring!’
So I asked again, I wouldn’t let up.
Finally he said he would show me
The value in rules he had set
And he cut at the string from below me
Exulted, I leaned, the wind swept
But the soaring expected then faulted
And broken, I began the fall
For the connection I’d found as a burden
Was what held me up high after all.
Ether 12:4
"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with asurety bhope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which chope cometh of dfaith, maketh an eanchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in fgood works, being led to gglorify God."
The word "anchor" caught my attention here. Because it is the very word I use negatively in the poem to describe the lack of freedom the kite feels. But here in the scripture, it is using the word to describe a safety and peace. If we keep that anchor there, and hold to our faith in it, we will be sure and steadfast, always doing what is right and finding happiness!
This really testified to me that God loves the girls in my class. Even though I rarely have more then two students at a time! I have a very small class! But these girls are so special, and when I really pay attention and try to follow the spirit as I prepare my lessons, the Lord will work through me. It made me so excited to feel like I was being used as a tool in His hands to bring this message to these beautiful girls. I learned from it too!
It made me also rededicate myself as a teacher. I'm going to try to invest myself more in the future in the lessons I teach so I can keep the spirit with me during my lessons and so we can learn and be uplifted by His words.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Loving Me
I had a conversation yesterday that really opened my eyes to the way I look at myself and my life. I've heard commonly the cliche that (and I'm using quotations very loosely) "If you don't love yourself first, others can't love you and you can't love others." and I knew this was true. But until yesterday I never really took it in completely.
Here's an example for you (that may sound familiar, because it's not uncommon). For the sake of ease, let's call this woman Rachel. Rachel doesn't feel love toward herself. So she's constantly trying to find love from others outside herself. She gives to others, trying to be a selfless person, but it never seems like what she does is really appreciated. She wants to love other people. She tries to do services for others, but it never makes her happy because it never seems like other people return her services. It doesn't even seem like what she does is appreciated. She then tells herself she must just be unlovable. Rachel goes through life feeling like she can't be loved. She looks in the mirror and thinks she could be pretty but she can't think that about herself because it would be selfish. She won't take compliments because there is no way any of the compliments could be true. People are just saying those things to make her feel better.
Sound familiar? Maybe Rachel is like someone you know. Or maybe Rachel is like you.
I really feel bad for Rachel. I pity her because she is trying so hard! But she never can REALLY love others and she never can REALLY be loved by others. She can't. Because she doesn't love herself.
Yesterday, I was getting ready for the day after this conversation I had, and I looked at myself and thought, It's OK to like myself! It's OK to LOVE myself! I CAN think I am beautiful, and I can be proud of the way I look and who I am! In fact, doing this is BETTER! Feeling this way about me won't make other people think I'm cocky or mean. Feeling love for myself doesn't bring others down, but it will lift others up! It will actually help others to love me! It will help me to love others!
It felt so freeing to look at myself and think this way. It feels so good to say "I love me!" and mean it. Really loving myself, feeling that glow inside for myself, helps me feel that glow inside for others. It helps me to want to just give to others and love them, no matter what they do in return. No matter how others feel, I can be happy! Because I love me!
Here's an example for you (that may sound familiar, because it's not uncommon). For the sake of ease, let's call this woman Rachel. Rachel doesn't feel love toward herself. So she's constantly trying to find love from others outside herself. She gives to others, trying to be a selfless person, but it never seems like what she does is really appreciated. She wants to love other people. She tries to do services for others, but it never makes her happy because it never seems like other people return her services. It doesn't even seem like what she does is appreciated. She then tells herself she must just be unlovable. Rachel goes through life feeling like she can't be loved. She looks in the mirror and thinks she could be pretty but she can't think that about herself because it would be selfish. She won't take compliments because there is no way any of the compliments could be true. People are just saying those things to make her feel better.
Sound familiar? Maybe Rachel is like someone you know. Or maybe Rachel is like you.
I really feel bad for Rachel. I pity her because she is trying so hard! But she never can REALLY love others and she never can REALLY be loved by others. She can't. Because she doesn't love herself.
Yesterday, I was getting ready for the day after this conversation I had, and I looked at myself and thought, It's OK to like myself! It's OK to LOVE myself! I CAN think I am beautiful, and I can be proud of the way I look and who I am! In fact, doing this is BETTER! Feeling this way about me won't make other people think I'm cocky or mean. Feeling love for myself doesn't bring others down, but it will lift others up! It will actually help others to love me! It will help me to love others!
It felt so freeing to look at myself and think this way. It feels so good to say "I love me!" and mean it. Really loving myself, feeling that glow inside for myself, helps me feel that glow inside for others. It helps me to want to just give to others and love them, no matter what they do in return. No matter how others feel, I can be happy! Because I love me!
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