Monday, December 30, 2013

A New Year and My One Little Word for 2014



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In 2012, I chose Whisper.  It helped me to focus on speaking softly and listening closer to the spirit.

In 2013, I chose Serve...then swapped it out for Diligent half way through the year because I felt I was losing myself in the service a bit too much... but I think this year just spun off kilter because I've been on the wrong birth control and it made me a different person.  But I do feel like I have learned to be more diligent in my self discipline by the end of this year.  I have renewed my efforts to be a better person and be closer to my Savior then I have been before. (And I got off that stupid stuff.)

Now I'm looking 2014 in the face with a shock because it seemed like yesterday I was just changing 2013's diapers and now he's walking his little hiney out the door and I'm greeted with a new face.  I'm not sure if this face is friendly or not yet.  2014 has some secrets for me that are not going to be revealed right away.  I visualize 2014, not as a newborn baby like 2013 seemed to be.  But as a cloaked stranger, waiting to lower his or her veil to reveal the face of my future.

In 2014, my family will hopefully, fingers-crossed, most likely be starting a new adventure into the unknown land of living with "Law-school Daddy".  Right now, Daddy is sorta the glue that holds Mommy's sanity in check.  So, let's hope "Law-school Daddy" isn't much different.  Or let's hope "Law-school Daddy's Wife" is up to being Full-time-Dedicated-Mom-of-the-Year, because right now she's feeling a little pathetic at the moment.  The trapeze artist needs more balance before she can walk that rope.

2014 may or may not hold a relocation for our family as well.  You see, law school is big fat book laying on my chest with a binding that won't open yet.  Inside this book's pages lies the answer to where we will live during law school.  Whether we will remain here among this loving outstandingly supportive neighborhood... or whether we will move to [somewhere else] where who knows how supportive or unified the neighborhood will be?  This will be somewhere where my oldest will start second grade, and my second child will start kindergarten.  This will be a place we may live for only one year, but nothing is set.  Nothing is planned.  Nothing is made to order.  This to-go box is going to come ready-made, and when it's cooked through we will be given what we're given.  No turning back.  We'll have to eat it.  That's up to 2014.

That's not to say we have no choices to make.  There will be choices.  The hard part is waiting on what those choices will be.  Are we going to have to decide how to get a second vehicle for commuting?  Or will we be deciding how to downsize our belongings to fit into a small apartment?  Will we be installing new carpet and giving our home a new paint job for us to enjoy, or for someone else to enjoy?  Will we be driving across states with a trailer truck that holds everything we own?  Will I be saying goodbye to my small but promising positions with the little local paper, my little piano students, my essential oils friends, and my ward family?  Or will I get to keep it all?  Somehow that seems like too much to expect right now.

So, as I look at 2014's unfamiliar and shadowy face, I am once again asking myself what I will choose as my One Little Word this year?

Outside of all the unknowns, what are the things I really need to work on this year?

I need more patience.
With my kids.  With my life.  With my husband.  With my family members.  With myself.
I need to breathe.
I need to stop myself from speaking, acting, lunging forward, shouting, screaming, interjecting, rescuing...
I just need to stop.
Break.
Breathe.
Pause.


This is my one little word for 2014.
Pause.

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In that crazy out-of-my-mind moment when all day I have been picking up emergency messes in my house, when my children just haven't been listening to me and I feel like a broken record.
Don't do that.  Don't do that again.  Don't do that.  D o n ' t .

Pause.

And in that moment when I'm busy, my mind is focused, I'm feeling as though I'll be finished any minute now.  Just a little longer and I will feel accomplished, and my child interrupts me.  Mom.  Just a minute, I'm busy.  Mom!  Just a minute.  Mom, look!  Hold on a second.  MOM!

Pause.
In that moment when I discover another secret naughty act, after the millions from the day.  That moment when my son looks up at my face with that tiny glimmer of hope in his eyes that maybe if he's just honest with me I won't break.  That moment when I feel like my body is  s h a t t e r i n g  into a million pieces just like that precious heirloom that was happily thrown against the wall earlier that day with a squeal and dashing bare feet.  When I can feel my blood pressure rising and my head begins to pound.

Pause.  B r e a t h e.

I can do all things with the Lord who strengthens me.

This too shall pass.

I'm not perfect, Lord.  Take this cup from me.  Carry my cross for a moment.
I need Thee every hour.
I need Thee, Lord.  Oh, I need Thee.

Tomorrow I will be better.  Tomorrow I'm going to Pause.
Tomorrow will be my jumpstart into 2014, and all the surprises that await.
When if my husband says we will pick up our lives and begin again somewhere new.
Before I react in some unknown way that is now hidden in my subconscious mind where I am not allowing myself to go...
I will Pause.

If when I am given a "golden" opportunity to share my experiences with someone who might "need" it,
Before I voice my opinion
Before I post that comment
Before I interject
I will Pause.

When if I wake up in the night to the sound of little feet shuffling into my room and a groan from the tired man next to me,
Before I roll over and let him deal with it
Before I rush that little body out of the room
I will Pause.
and remember this too shall pass. And do I want it to?

If when I am finding myself distracted by unimportant things and my child is trying to remind me to look them in the eyes again.
Before I brush him off
I will Pause.
and I will see him.

When if I find my kitchen drenched in milk and chocolate chips.
Before I scream.
Before I cry.
Before I fall down dead.
I will Pause.
.... and maybe then I'll find something to laugh about.

Happy New Year!
What's your One Little Word?

2 comments:

  1. I LOVE it!!!!! Very wise. Very ambitious. Very good. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Brin. I always deeply appreciate your comments. My posts sometimes feel like I'm just sending things out into the void. Who knows who reads this stuff. :)

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